what was it? (possibly triggering)

This is somewhat complicated. I talked this over once with my current therapist when I first started seeing her because I needed to know that she could deal with it but we haven't talked about it since. I haven't been able to put a name to it. I don't know if it was just kids playing or if it was abuse or what. I wasn't able to put the name of abuse to the emotional abuse I suffered at home until I was away at college. I don't know what this was though.

When I was five or six a neighbor girl (a year or two older than me, and I'm also female) and I touched each other. We found a book about sex in her mother's room. We tried out what we saw. I continued going over to her house even though I was uncomfortable with it, and knew it was going to happen. I think I might have even asked her to touch me at one point. I don't know if this makes me bad for asking for it to happen. We were often left home alone. I know that it felt good or I wouldn't have asked her to touch me again. It seems like I was complicit in the behavior and I don't know what that makes this. Was it just two kids playing around or what? I'm really embarrassed about it now. What if I wanted it? Does that make it my fault? If it wasn't my fault, I don't know that it was her fault either. I couldn't tell anyone then, and when my mom asked why I had stopped going over to her house, I just started going again so I wouldn't have to explain.

Can someone tell me what it was?

Hi there. Well, to me, it sounds like two little girls being curious about their bodies. Many, many people have experiences of exploring their bodies like this during childhood. Sometimes alone, sometimes with others of the same or opposite sex.
It sounds like you have a tremendous amount of guilt about it. Were you taught that touching your own - or somebody else's - body was wrong? or dirty? Is the guilt because it was with another girl?

Young children of that age are fascinated with their bodies, and naturally explore them. (Imagine if they didn't, and their 'nether regions' were completely foreign to them until adulthood!) I guess in your situation, you and the neighbor girl found something that took your exploration a little further than you would have gone without that input of adult information. Were you 'bad' for asking the girl to touch you? Nah. Were you bad for *liking* it? Nah. Sexual touching feels good. Even for five year olds. You were a normal, curious five or six year old girl, doing nothing more than what countless other normal, curious five year old girls would have done under the same circumstances. (I work in a preschool - trust me. I have *seen* things!)

If you ever have a five year old girl of your own it might pay to try to keep any sex books out of her way tho, eh? Your exploration in itself was perfectly normal, but the book likely took you and the other girl into a realm that no five year old is ready for.

hi googley,

i think luce's response is a good one. it doesn't sound to me like it was 'abuse' - just something that kids do. but just because it wasn't abuse, doesn't mean you can't feel confused about it. like luce asked - what are your reasons for thinking it is wrong now?

xo deli

our bodies are innately sexual; we were made this way. however, the book you discovered was inappropriate information for your age and stage. it pushed you farther than you would have gone in just the actions of a small child, even a small child who was playing "doctor" with a friend.

the distress and guilt you feel are enough to make me ask you, is there more to your story than this? were there other experiences before this time, sexually, that increased your awareness or interest in sex.

when i was 3 years old, at the most 4, i acted out some sexual behavior with my little friend and when i looked up and saw that we were being observed a jolt of fear and shame hit me like a lightening bolt. i was being and had been sexually abused since infancy and so i had a precocious knowlege and experience of sex with a twist to it that i never should have had. as a small child i was not responsible or guilty but those who gave me premature information and experience were responsible and wrong.

i would encourage you to talk to someone you are certain you can trust to see about help to work this guilt out in a healthy way. if you all had had better supervision and direction in your play you may have never had enough time and aloneness to get into so much sexual behavior. you were just two little girls with curiosity and time on your hands. i would urge you to let go of the guilt or see if you can find some help to work it out until you can let it go. hugs,

leslie and the pixie chicks

Thank you all for your responses. It has made me feel more relaxed about it.

There is more behind it in the sense that even at that young age I knew about rape as my mom was sexually abused by her father and I found out about this at an extremely young age (I don't remember a point at which I didn't know.) In my family there was definitely the idea that anything sexual was wrong and bad. Sex along with my mom's psychiatric hospitalizations was just something we knew we weren't allowed to talk about. I always saw it as something that was bad as it had hurt my mom.

I was sexually assaulted in high school (and didn't tell my parents till my third year in college) and lately the feelings of shame have been bad.

I'm in my mid twenties and started having sexual feelings again and am now in my mid twenties. Every time that happens I feel ashamed about it feeling good.

Whenever I ran across the questions in depression questionnaires about libido they always seemed ridicules as I have never had one to go away. I hate being touched. I have had to go on a few flights recently and ever time I end up have to be patted down when I go thorough screening. It just ends up reminding me of how uncomfortable I am with all this and how it seems like I'm always going to be uncomfortable with being touched.

Thanks for the hugs.