[linalina]

So this is my first time ever posting a thread. Im just so scared and alone i dont know what to do anymore. I use to think of myself as a strong person but these days i just feel so alone and weak. I guess it all started when i found my mom's dead body. I was 10 at the time. I never got any help for seeing my mom dead bod, my dad didnt think we needed it. Then like 6 months later my dad starts to touch me. I would tell him i dont think you should touch my breast but he would just say you dont have any. At this time i was wearing a tranning bra. Or he would sit me on his lap. I would tell him i dont want to sit on your lap something hard is poking me and he would just say shut up there is nothing. I remember this on night i asked him to put body cream on my back and i remember him rubbing it on my butt so i just acted like i was sleeping and i could feel him touch me. There was another night where i remember my leg up and with him behind me trying to put it in but i justed moved as if nothing had happen. I always knew it was wrong but i never told. I think it was because i wanted to keep my family together even if he was hurting me. Rmemeber I justed lost my MOM she was not just my mom she was my best friend. Then i turend to drugs. I was in to them for along time. Ive been clean now for almost 7 years. I have a good boyfriend now but i just cant let myself get that close. And when i feel myself getting closer to him i just push away.I hope someone could help me see things in another way.I try talking to him but he just dont get it so if anyone out there can give me some advice please respond back thanks.

[aaaaAAAHHHHH!!!]

Sorry about your pain. I'm NOT a doctor or professional counselor but I am a sexual abuse survivor. I'm 40 yrs old and I was molested by my Grandfather when I lived with him for about 3 yrs (from 15 to 18).

As far as your boyfriend issues and your not being comfortable being intimate, it sounds like a normal post traumatic stress response after what you went through. That said, unfortunately it doesn't help your boyfriend to understand. Spouses/boyfriends/lovers aren't always comfortable or willing to help abuse survivors work through their problems. They didn't live it so they just want you to get over it so they can have you in a relationship. Selfishness is human nature. So you need to look out for YOURSELF, explain your needs and fears, let him know when you feel unsafe. That's pretty much all you can do. And if he doesn't respond they way you want, then you have to consider letting this guy go so you can heal in peace. Turning to dangerous substances like booze, drugs or sex addiction is often just self-medication to numb the wounded soul. Even though your problems started when you were 7, it will probably live with you for the rest of your life, especially if you've never dealt with it by therapy, meditation, yoga, something.

I tell you this because I've done a bit of weird strange life-altering things as a result of the abuse. I'm celibate & haven't had sex in almost 20 years. As a result, I don't have any kids, even though I'd love to be a Mom. I have OCD which means I do things 8 times before I can go to bed or leave a door, because it makes me feel safe. I am constantly suicidal. I did cutting.

Anyway, not processing the conflicts of your past can be devasting to your future. All I can say is, LOVE YOURSELF. I guess I chickened out when it came to relationships/sex because I got tired of explaining why I had "issues" and sometimes I got really offended or hurt if people were nonchalant about it. Acknowledge & Honor your pain, if not, the pain will manifest itself in another more self-destructive manner.

GOOD LUCK!!!!!!

[Sannah]

Lina, are you in therapy?

[chaotic13]

Lina, welcome to PC. If you don't have a T, I recommend you consider finding one. Intimacy issues are very tough to deal with on your own. I tried for 30 years. Its only been in the last 2 that I've realized how poorly I had "dealt" with things.

[Lee ann]

I don't know how to help you look at it in a different way but all I can say is now that you are grown, you can take steps to protect yourself. I waited until two months ago to stop things and I'm 28, it's hard, I know, but things won't get better unless you grieve for the things you lost, like a childhood, a real relationship with your dad, and things like that. Then you come to "How do I move on" and the next stages. Do you still have a relationship with your dad? I'm sorry for all that you've been through but you are not alone, just know that.

[linalina]

Thanks for all the comments. I do need to go seek therapy but i dont have the money. But i am looking in to it. I just dont know how to get over my moms death. I never had a female close to me i wish i did. My boyfriend is understanding of how i feel ive been when him for 7 years, he wants me to go find help to feel me from these demonds in my head. I still see my dad once in away but its on my terms. We never talked about what had happen we just act like there is nothing wrong. I am thankful for all of your comments it means alot. It kinda feels like i have someone to talk to. And on top of all this crazyness in my head i have no real life friends to talk to, atleast i have my boyfriend. He saved me, hes the one that got me off the drugs and helped me stop my sex addiction.

[ashsoccergirl]

Im so sorry that youve been through what you have because u didnt deserve to bee hurt like that. i cant even imagine what it felt like finding ur mothers dead body but i do kno what its like to be hurt by someone you loved and cared about. I still live with my mom but we dont talk or get along and i dont get to see my dad anymore because he wont talk to me. but i still have to wake up everyday and see my brother and his life is still full of joy while mine is destroyed because of him. i didnt tell for years either because i didnt know it was wrong at first but then because i was afraid of him but at the same time i didnt want to get him in trouble either. i knew that no one would believe me and that it would tear my family apart and all my predictions came true. anyways, your not alone. there are plenty of people out there that know what its like and that care about you. all the feelings ur feeling are completely normal considering what uve been through. i choose to distance myself from relationships and other people to keep myself from being hurt again. but if you get help there is still hope for you. i have help but its no use. i cant really give u any usefule advice because im barely surviving but listen to what everyone else has said and you should do good.it may not seem like it but u have the strength deep down inside of you that u need to survive. so heres my story.
I am 15 years old and my brother is 19 years old. He was the last person that i ever believed would hurt me but i was wrong. when i was 8 he started molesting me and it never stopped. when i was 13 a teacher found out and there was an investigation. my mom didnt believe me and turned everyone against me. soon after, the investigation was closed and nothing happened. and he kept molesting me. a year later i had this teacher that i became real close with. she became like a mother to me and i became like another daughter to her. with her and her family i finally felt safe and happy. shes the first person i trusted since the abuse started and i felt like i could talk to her about anything. so one day i told her what happened to me. after i told her i was in tears and she just huged me and wiped away my tears and said everything was gunna be ok. there was another investigation and she was with me every step of the way. i ended up testifying for the grand jury but nothing happened after that but the investigation closing. my mom later made me and her cut all contact but atleast i had some relief for a liitle bit of time when i was with her. he then continued molesting me and someone found out but i refused to say anything because i knew nothing would happen. it hasnt happened in a while and im happy but i know its only a matter of time. i now have a phsychiatrist and an in home counselor but no matter how much i want to say something nothing comes out. the only way i could ever tell what happened to me was through wrighting but with my teacher i actually talked to her about what happened. this all has left me ashamed, afraid mad and confused. i hate him for what he did to me but at the same time i blame myself for not trying harder or stopping him. i dont know what to do anymore! i cant take waking up everyday and having to see him enjoying life. i awake everynight with nightmares of him, i cant focus now, i often have thoughts of hurting myself or someone else and my skin is constantly crawling all because of him. what am i supposed to do now? my life is over but i can never seem to end it. i hate asking for help because that makes me weak and i cant even kill myself because im a coward.

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by linalina

And on top of all this crazyness in my head i have no real life friends to talk to, atleast i have my boyfriend.

Maybe this is where you currently are....doesn't mean you have to say here. The progress you've decribed so far sound like you are moving in the right direction. Use PC as a way to get stuff out for now. Things in real life will likely change as you start exploring different ways to help yourself heal.