Relationships with abuser after the abuse

My abuser and I have a very atypical relationship. She's my sister and I love her unconditionally. For most of my teenage years I never remembered my abuse and when I finally did she didnt admit to it initially. For the times when I didnt remember, my sister and I were very close, she was my best friend and I would do anything for her. When I started to remember, at first, I would not speak to her and every time I did I would get very upset.

But soon enough our families forced us back together and I had no other choice but to co exist. We went from co existing back to ole pals.

Now as Ive started to work through the abuse in the past couple of days it has become more difficult to hear her voice. (She lives in another country.)

And the thing is I feel guilty for not talking to her. She called tonight and I quickly said that I was tired but you could hear the disappointment in her voice at not talking to me.

Its such a difficult thing for me, to love her and hate her all at the same time. I dont think many people continue having relationships with their abuser in their adult life, but I do and right now I dont know what to do. I feel guilty for being mad at her, but the sound of her voice is so triggering for me right now that I cant stand to hear it.

It hurts

Hi Sheryanne. I'm new here and to this kind of talk so I don't know if I'm doing it right or if I'd better shut up... I'm a bit embarassed to start every sentence by "I" but I don't know what else to say.

Relationships with the abuser afterwards are not so uncommon, are they? I'd never thought about the others before but I imagine that many people are not able to face what happened, to tell other people, and keep on seeing the abuser.

I've got the same kind of hate/love relationship with mine. There's so much anger, so many awful memories and questions. How could he do this to me? On the other side, he feels so guilty, he's done his best to change, he loves me so much, he gave me so much... I can't totally hate him. I feel a very unhealthy kind of love for him.
Yes, it hurts so much. I often feel it won't stop before his death but I also can't imagine my life after his death.

Don't feel guilty for being mad at her, that is so normal you are. Don't force yourself to call her, it can be good to take a break. I feel the same about his voice... I broke my phone, we only use msn now.

Good luck to you

My sisters husband was my abuser and she didnt believe me, no one spoke to her for many years over it, then my dad was dieing of cancer and she was welcomed back into the family with opened arms (not him) however after my dad died, she continued to talk to the family including me, then she started to phone him in front of me, then it was him picking her up outside the house while I was there, then he would phone the house to talk to her, things just escalated and my mum told me to be quiet as it was nice the family was talking to each other after so many years, so my depression grew and grew and the arguments with my mum grew too, untill I snapped and ended up in hosptial.

I told them all to piss off as I wanted nothing to do with any of them including my mum, she apolagised and said she had been wrong, the rest of the family spoke to me but also spoke to her one of them my brother even went to france on a day trip with her and HIM ! I cut him off. From that day on I have had nothing to do with my sister (who has since left him and re married, I dont care she knew and stayed with him she is as bad as him as far as I am concerned) and I have never felt better ! I feel liberated and my family accept that I want nothing to do with her and the reason why ....

We just dont talk about it anymore and she is never mentioned, once I showed strength they shut up and left me alone to get on with things my own way.

i still live in the same house as the people who abused me. i'm 24, so more than capable of having moved out by myself by now.

there was a period a while back when i went through being very angry at them, and couldn't bear to have a normal conversation with them, i just hated them so much. so i just gave myself some space (stayed in my room a lot, said i was sick, whatever) and worked through some of my anger until i felt ok again.

neither of them have acknowledged what they did to me as wrong, but i love them anyway. i think it is normal for you to want space from your sister at the moment, and that is ok. just tell her you're going to be very busy over the next week/month and that you'll call when you're able to again. there is nothing to feel guilty about in taking care of your own needs first.

I am still very angry with my dad. I moved out when I was 17-18. My dad now is really my only support. He has done alot of work on himself too. We did alot of therapy together, it helped having someone to mediate.

When I am angry with him, he knows it. Sometimes we are able to talk about it, sometimes I will not bring it up. I still have never brought up "the major events" with him, and don't know if it needs to be. I find it embarrassing and very emotional. I know he knows what he did, even though he seems to negate what I say, when talking about smaller issues I had with him when I was younger. Because he makes allowances for things, and helps me out alot with things.

I'd say we are very close, but have a love/hate relationship.

I think it is good to take time from your sister. Maybe you could send her an email saying why. I don't know if you'd have to. Maybe you could just let her know that now is a sensitive time for you.

Also maybe you could try some talk therapy later on down the road with the both of you... Or just by yourself first, and write questions down that you may have for her?

Sometimes it helps if it's not all you, you, you when talking to someone, if she doesn't feel like she is being attacked, she may have an easier time understanding your needs right now.

I understand that she was the abuser than, but since for however long you've been talking now, it may just seem confusing for her, if you just cut connection without letting her know.

Take Care

Hi Sherryanne,

I've had sort of the same issues in dealing with my older brother, who was one of two of my childhood abusers. He left home very young, as did I. He lived out of state for most of our adult lives, but we woud see each other sometimes at xmas and other family gatherings through the years.

I was always afraid to say what happened because he was kind of physically abusive, had a very bad temper, when we were children. And even as an adult he seems angry. My exhusband, many years ago, told my mother about the sexual abuse when we were going through a divorce. I never wanted her to know about it for several reasons. And up until recently I never told my other siblings or other family members about it either. Most still don't know.

After my first suicide attempt in my 20's, my brother did come to see me and apologized for what he did. That at least validated my feelings that it happened and that he was at fault. But we never have spoken much about it beyond that, I really don't want to.

Several years ago he moved about a half hour away from where I live. He works there but his family still lives in another nearby state. I had always felt it was my responsibility to try and make peace with him, "for the sake of the family." (And because of some misguided feeling on my part that I'm not a "good" person if I don't forgive and do my absolute best to have the "absolute best" relationships with everyone in my life.)

I'm finally beginning to realise that is not my job: doing mine and everyone else's work in a relationship. His wife knew what happened before they married. I believe she was the first person I told about it. She was a teenager then and trying to be friends with me, I'm several years younger than them, because of her interest in my brother.

I have forgiven my brother and wish him well. But I really don't feel entirely comfortable around him or his family. We have very different values and interests. His wife and children don't like me. I used to feel guilty about all that, because I did keep my distance from them, off and on, because of my feelings about what happened.

I'm taking the long way to saying to you that I think you should respect your feelings. And also like others have mentioned here, since you do/did have a close relationship with her, you might consider telling her the simple truth about your feelings right now. You don't have to make any promises about the future, one way or the other. Just that for the time being YOU NEED to have some separation from her. If she can't understand that, gets hurt or angry or whatever, those feelings are HER PROBLEM, not yours. She did what she did and has to take responsibility for it and not expect more from you than you are capable of at any point in time. Take care of yourself.