[Sherryanne]

I need someone to validate my experience. I know my T has done it, She's said it over and over again that I was abused and I have every right to be affected by it. But I want to hear it from my family.

My mom says, well she didnt have sex with you, so that isnt abuse. My sister says you should have got over it by now. My dad said that it just what sibling do sometimes. Noone has said yes, a bad thing happened to you. I dont want them to hate my sister but I want them to hate what she did to me

Am i the only one longing for validation and am I ever gonna get it?

[lifelesstraveled]

((((sherryanne))))

I can't give you much useful advice as I haven't even been able to come to terms with my own experiences i am still in a lot of denial that it was abuse, even though my T tells me over and over that it was a form of abuse and neglect. maybe your family doesn't want to accept it for what it was and how it affected you. Maybe they dont want to believe that your sister could've treated you in such a way??? I know you are looking for validation from your family, BUT that might not happen from what you described....For now at least....they seem (from what youve described) pretty set in their opinions and thoughts about what happened to you. That's not to say you're never going to get it, but for me, if I went to my family and tried to tell them that what happened to affected me in a,b,c ways they'd probably deny it and I wouldnt try to fight it. I just dont have they energy. If they deny it then they deny it. I don't want to waste my time fighting this battle with them right now. I need to work on myself...I have never had any type of validation from them regarding anything and wouldnt expect it NOW...but that's just my experience.

What has your T said about you wanting validation from your family? has she encouraged you to try and get it from them?if so, have you told her the difficulities you are having with getting it? If so, what is her advice or what are her thoughts of you trying to get validation?? I feel like you are going to keep getting hurt if you try to get validation and I dont want that for you...

[Sannah]

SherryAnne, it isn't surprising that your family isn't supportive. Families where sexual abuse occurs are not healthy families. These same unhealthy families are going to respond in an unhealthy way to the revelation of sexual abuse. A family member who would sexually abuse another member never learned boundaries and they never learned to think of anyone but themselves. These are things that are learned in healthy families. I am sorry. We all believe you here though. I am sorry that this happened to you. You can heal from this. I am glad that you are in therapy.

[Sherryanne]

Thanks for your responses. I took the day off from work today because I was in so much emotional pain and I just felt like I could not deal with the stress of work.

For a long time I avoided the topic in therapy thinking that it was too painful to deal with. When we do talk about my T has tried me to see that it is very unlikely that I will get the validation that i seek from my family or from my abuser. My family has always had that facade of being the perfect family and when I came out about my abuse it threatened that facade. I was quickly shut down and told to forget about it.

Last night I tried to open up to my sister but you could see she didnt want to talk about it. I just need to be heard, I need someone other than a trained professional to understand.

My T says that my healing should be dependant on me and noone else but its so hard to do that when I am so emotionally intertwined with my family.

The fact that they are not supporting me in this is making it even harder. I have to go back to work tomorrow and I dont even know how Im going to do it.

[mlpHolmes]

I was thinking of the principle of "Accepting" reality, (part of DBT skills). From your family's reactions I don't think you're going to get the type or amount of validation you are hoping for. "Accepting" that you will not receive their empathy, or validation may free you of a lot of suffering. Accepting does not mean agreeing! or that the abuse didn't happen or down play the event - no indeed. It is the acknowledgment of what happened. "Acceptance" is a choice, it's your decision.

Let yourself go of this inner pain & conflict. Let go of fighting reality & trying to change your family. Pain only creates suffering when we refuse to ACCEPT the pain.

Peace & Love to You,
Holmes

[ashsoccergirl]

Your story sounds anawful like mine. I wish my family would believe me but i know that they dont and never will so why bother trying? Accepting that has helped me a bit. im not saying i forgot what happened, but i know what happened and am trying to get help so that is all that matters. i think you should try the same thing. so heres my story to show you that your not alone. you are cared about and believed here at pc.
I am 15 years old and my brother is 19 years old. He was the last person that i ever believed would hurt me but i was wrong. when i was 8 he started molesting me and it never stopped. when i was 13 a teacher found out and there was an investigation. my mom didnt believe me and turned everyone against me. soon after, the investigation was closed and nothing happened. and he kept molesting me. a year later i had this teacher that i became real close with. she became like a mother to me and i became like another daughter to her. with her and her family i finally felt safe and happy. shes the first person i trusted since the abuse started and i felt like i could talk to her about anything. so one day i told her what happened to me. after i told her i was in tears and she just huged me and wiped away my tears and said everything was gunna be ok. there was another investigation and she was with me every step of the way. i ended up testifying for the grand jury but nothing happened after that but the investigation closing. my mom later made me and her cut all contact but atleast i had some relief for a liitle bit of time when i was with her. he then continued molesting me and someone found out but i refused to say anything because i knew nothing would happen. it hasnt happened in a while and im happy but i know its only a matter of time. i now have a phsychiatrist and an in home counselor but no matter how much i want to say something nothing comes out. the only way i could ever tell what happened to me was through wrighting but with my teacher i actually talked to her about what happened. this all has left me ashamed, afraid mad and confused. i hate him for what he did to me but at the same time i blame myself for not trying harder or stopping him. i dont know what to do anymore! i cant take waking up everyday and having to see him enjoying life. i awake everynight with nightmares of him, i cant focus now, i often have thoughts of hurting myself or someone else and my skin is constantly crawling all because of him. what am i supposed to do now? my life is over but i can never seem to end it. i hate asking for help because that makes me weak and i cant even kill myself because im a coward

[AAAAA]

I'm so sorry that your family isn't being supportive. Perhaps they only way they can deal with it is being in denial. A bad thing did happen to you, and they SHOULD hate it.

When I was very young my parents and their best friends would go out every weekend, they would alternate houses for the baby sitter to watch us. I'd known the babysitter my whole life, I used to live upstairs from them and would frequently spend the night at their house just because. After many months she finally asked me why I got up in the middle of the night, woke my brother and walked all the way across town at 3 in the morning. Looking back, this should sent some alarms up in my parent before a 16 year old girl. My father was a police officer for crying out loud! Anyway I was young and stupid so I told her, she promised not to tell anyone, but it bothered her so much she told the man's wife.

There's no doubt in my mind she believed me, she just felt she had to do something about it. Well I ended up in trouble, had to promise not to say anything so this "didn't get around town." That man ended up molesting my younger cousin as well.

I tell you the long story to make this point. Now, 30 years later, my mother has decided she "hates" that man. Suddenly she's all concerned about the things he did to me when I was a child (again, I was severely punished "for making this up" but she doesn't remember that part of the story). When she makes a comment now about him it only makes me angry. She wasn't there when I needed her, didn't stand up for me when it was hard. I'm an adult now, I don't need her to stand up for me. So in my opinion, better late than never does not apply. I don't think anything will make up for them not being there when you needed it.

[madisgram]

sherryanne, i believe you. i know your feelings are valid. i noticed your signature on your post. i believe you and your T can make that happen. i also believe that you are right...you are not going to get the validation from your family. they are incapable of acknowledging it due to theit distorted way of viewing and living their life.
you however can be validated by us and your T. i know it hurts that your family won't acknowldge the violation you experienced. i have had to accept that i will not get it either from my family....yes, it hurts but i can't change the way they are. but i can change me about the abuse....and you can change you.
keep us posted on how you are doing, k? you are very courageous to post about your feelings here at pc and having a therapist in your life to help you gain tools to cope and validate what has taken place.

[PLEASE_STOP]

Originally Posted by Sherryanne

I need someone to validate my experience. I know my T has done it, She's said it over and over again that I was abused and I have every right to be affected by it. But I want to hear it from my family.

My mom says, well she didnt have sex with you, so that isnt abuse. My sister says you should have got over it by now. My dad said that it just what sibling do sometimes. Noone has said yes, a bad thing happened to you. I dont want them to hate my sister but I want them to hate what she did to me

Am i the only one longing for validation and am I ever gonna get it?

Ya know what? By the answers your getting from your T and family, your gonna have to do this on your own. I was abused as a child and it made me stronger. I never took crap from anyone growing up. (I got my butt kicked a lot)

Turn all the bad stuff that happened to you around and get stronger from it. Say "SCREW THAT"!

Best Of Luck.........