He is coming back...........................

Oh god, can't breathe, ****

he may be moving back, he may be coming back
I can't..no
**** no

I can't stay here, can't stay here, if he comes back, have to leave..have to get out..want to get out NOW..........

so scared...what going to do..if he comes back?

think good thoughts ((sparrow)), breathe, know you are with friends now...

Want to run, get across the ocean...jump a boat, hell I will swim as long as it is away from him...

one phone call..is all it would take..and I could be out of here...just one phone call, have somewhere to run to...somewhere that is far from here...a good day and a half away..

Just..so..scared. trying not to go into panic, trying not to make any rash decisons..
but..hard not to, hard to focus, and I have classes all ****ing day, will be at the campus until almost 10pm tonight..

Just, stupid, I was stupid to think..I was safe, stupid to believe..that noone could ever hurt me again, I lied to myself, I lied to myself...

((((((((((((((silver))))))))))))) Deep breaths honey. It's good that you do have a plan, but you are right, no rash decisions, do nothing without thinking it through and talking to someone about it. You are in my thoughts and prayers, hon.

Silver, this is your mom's brother? How about telling your mom what happened???????? What does your T think about this?

NO I CAN'T TELL.

Yes, it's my mom's half brother...this all happened this morning, on the way to school, he called her asking about oil riggin jobs, because the mines up there where slowing down..and he has noone up there....just, freaking, nothing is set in stone yet, but..I really think he will move back..and I CAN'T stay here if he come back, even if he is hours away, I cannot be in the same state as him I just can't..for my saftey and his, because I will snap and I will seek vengence...and don't think I won't...

just, in full panic mode, I am going NUTS, absoutley freaking out, while trying to remain composed..

((sparrow))) while trying to remain composed..

keep breathing, slowly in and out as best you can, try to think of calming things, like warm days (or cold if you prefer) ... spend a few minutes with yourself and let your thoughts clear out.... take it easy, k? we are concerned for you

Posting again, because I am going NUTS, it feels like everyone is staring at me, so on edge, I just want to snap, SNAP, I feel like everyone is staring at me and plotting against me, yes I know, they aren't really, but I can't help it, it's how I am feeling, pariond, pariond pariond........

Silver, you are safe now and you can keep yourself safe. You are an adult now. You can protect yourself. You can get help if needed. You are not that child anymore who couldn't protect herself.

((((((SS)))))) i can totally understand your fears because his possibly coming back is a big trigger for you. BUT, your physical reaction right now is based on the past, not NOW. it's like you're on auto-pilot. can you grasp the 'here and now" and try to think this thru? intellectually you know you can protect yourself now. emotionally you don't feel that. for once i'd say go with the intellect. for it is truth. you can and will be safe. as sannah said, you are no longer that child. let that empower you to know you are going to be ok. by allowing yourself to be in total fear of him you are giving him the power. the power is YOURS, now, not his anymore.

What will stop him....
Nothing stopped him back then
4,5,6,15

What is my number in years going to stop him?

I am snapping, I spent an hour wondering my back yard, talking to trees....had a lovely conversation with a pine tree, they seem to hold the best conversations..

yes god, wow, i know, brain fried...ABSOLUTLEY FRIED

I just feel like laughing for no reason, just ****ing laughing till my ribs crack ahahhhaahhahahha

Wish I had some alcohol, wish I had some pills, wish I had a razor blade, just want to bury myself in the backyard, hahahaha, like a reversed ostrich..

I dont' know, how I am holding on, even if he doesn't come back, it doesn't matter, this is all that was needed to push me overboard..I was doing so good, telling myself such pretty little lies, such pretty little lullabys, sooo pretty and sweet they where..hahah and now they are all gone, bye bye...

bye bye..bye bye..

I don't...know..what..is..wrong with me? this is ridicilous, damnit!!!!!!!!!!!!

can't sleep, can't sleep, the dreams, the dreams..the DREAMS..

((Sparrow)))) i dont mean to sound like everything is so simple... i hear you that you are very afraid, frightened, even angry... you cant live like this and it is not your time to pass from this place yet either...

i know you are working very hard on all matters and stress levels are going thru the ceiling... you can see the need to gain control of this as much as possible...

you need to find a safe place for yourself, first in your mind, then in your physical location... how are you doing?

(((((((((((((((((((everyone))))))))))))))))))

I am drained today, I think I have finally gained a level head and am able to look at my options, and how I am going to handle this.

Nothing is set, he may not be coming back, I think I automatically went into panic mode...but sadly chances are high he will move back down here, my hopes and prayers are that it is in in a few years, so that way I will be gone out of state by that point. The problem is...what if I am not? And my second fear is..what if he does to someone else in our family what he did to me for so many years..I SWEAR to God above, if he ever lays a hand on my sister...

So I am struggling, I feel like, IF he comes back...
I should tell my family..about..what..he has done to me...
I wouldn't be able to live with myself, if he came back and hurt anyone else...
I really wouldn't, because I wasn't the first one he ever hurt, he hurt my half aunt when they we're growing up....and noone believed her..
What if they don't believe me?

I am numb at the moment, defense mechanisms up, the topic gets brought up and I numb out..which is good, I am not snapping and wandering my yard at 2am talking to pine trees.

My second option for if he makes his return, is to RUN LIKE HELL. I have somewhere to go, and it's very far from my current location. I really, the more I think about it, I don't want to do that, it would cause so much chaos, involve me to tell so many lies, and possibly destroy the relationship I have with my parents (which has improved), force me to readjust everything, and I'm not ready for that yet...not yet..but if I have to readjust I can and will. A new life with new beginnings..

I am torn, and I know I shouldn't be working myself into a frenzy, but it's all things to look over, and something that eventually will have to be dealt with. Either to keep running or turn around and face it....
I think I should face it. Talk to T, maybe set up a group session with my parents...or something, I can't hide forever....

I don't know anymore, all I know is that I am grateful for all the hugs and all the care and responses, I need them right now, I can't do this alone..

Sending lots of peaceful thoughts and hugs
Sparrow

((Sparrow))) i can not express how in awe i am at your ability to regain your sense of balance even though it may appear to you that the earth is spinning wildly out of your control... it is the kind of inner strength i am indebted towards and it deserves a generous measure of gratitude for your momentous inspiration...

it is best for you to remain in a simple state of suspended calm as you explore all options now...

remember a few simple and basic things tho... that you are in control of certain actions which belong only to you.... i can almost feel completely your fear and sense of intense concentration on the problem you are facing...

i refer to a great human being in times as this and sometimes it gives me just enough to keep me holding on....

in your studies you might have read about an inspiring 'someone' ... what would they say to you right now?

hoping for the best always

((((SS))))) have you contacted your T about this recent situation? have you been working in therapy about ways to cope with what happened to you as a chiild? at this time that seems to be the key to your getting the help you need. then your family may become a part of this. but first you need to see your T and discuss how you have been feeling about this AGAIN, imho.

Silver, I so agree with NWTR, you have gone beyond regaining your composure. You are being very level headed about this now. I like your idea of talking it over with your T and possibly setting up a joint meeting with your parents. Have you ever discussed this with your aunt, getting together and making a plan for exposing him? There are others who he abused too. When you were 16 you were sedated and you couldn't protect yourself. Plus you are at a completely different place now than when you were 16. You are empowered now! I am so glad that you see the value of facing things rather than running . Running keeps you scared and gives you the message that you are powerless. Facing things gives the message that you have power and facing things decreases fear. Good work!

[quote=madisgram;955805]((((SS))))) have you contacted your T about this recent situation? have you been working in therapy about ways to cope with what happened to you as a chiild?

I have yet to talk to T about the situation, I am new to therapy and don't know when it is important to call or not, T has been out involved in a court case where she is testifying. And we have been working on what happened to me as a child, we are going to start work on a recovery workbook for sexual abuse victims this summer, she didn't want to throw me for a loop while I was in school. ((((((((Madisgram)))))))

as for inner strength, thank you nwtr, but I can't take full credit for that, I was a wreck last night and was pretty suicidal, I wouldn't be this strong if I didn't have my good friends. Thanks goes to DragonofPain and Free902 for being there for me all day yesterday and always being there, and Coil too, wouldn't be this strong if I didn't have people and my friends, they are my support and bring me back to earth when this bird starts to fly to far off track. I love my dragon brother and my brother bird, and my dear friend Free, I am entierly in gratitude to them for helping me get through the shock of yesterday. ((((Nwtr)))) and thank you for your words of wisdom and your concern, it means a lot and I am always here for you too.

((((((((Sahannah)))))))) I am trying to remain level headed, and I am working on keeping myself open to ideas and options, this is a long fight, and I am making stragties and preparing myself mentally, even at this point if he doesn't move back, it has awakend a healthy dose of fear into me, and it has helped me open my eyes to the fact I hold to much in and hide to much, which in turn helps me poision my relationship with my parents and sister, and other close irl friends that I have kept my story hidden from.

In general I am just coasting, kinda of moving ahead, but numb, very numb, but not in a bad way, just in a way that is keeping me safe and levelheaded, overall I feel good, I have a lot of hope for the future, no matter what happens, and I am grateful for my life, I have people that need me, and I can't give up on them, and I cant' give up on my life, everything is a learning experince, and everything that happens shapes me as the person I am. No matter how bad the storm I will fly through it to the sunlight, I am blessed to have the friends I have, to have the family I have, the biological and the family I have created on my own. and I am forever in debt to this community, I wouldn't be where I was, if I hadn't had found PC, it has blessed me in so many ways, by the people it has brought into my life.

I am scared, and I am weak, but I have strength underneath it all, I am in control, not him, NEVER AGAIN, will he hurt me, or anyone I love, I will be sure of that, and if that means going public, filiing charges (I have unitl I am 23 to do so), or just letting my family know what has happend to me, then I will do it. I am not going to run anymore, I am done running, it is time I stand and fight, in which ever way is appropriate......

Sending peaceful thoughts and hugs to all
Sparrow

Wow, Sparrow, you are amazing!