It is a long story, but I was with my first T for 2 1/2 yrs. and it progressed more into a social relationship than a professional one. We saw each other maybe 2 or 3 times a week at the gym where much flirting took place. During termination, things got really personal and the flirting at the gym increased a lot. But the thing is when things get personal, his objectivity was lost on me, and he hurt me by telling me that he didn't care about me, if I died he wouldn't come to my funeral, etc. I fired him that day and started with another T a couple days later.

Well it turned out it was one of friends and this T, although did help me in ways, never could validate what my 1st T did to me, he protected him instead. When I terminated with him he admitted it was hard to hear my story because he was in a similar situation with a client several years ago.

So now I have a lady T, who has been so awesome. She has kept tight boundaries with me, and it has made me feel safe because my other T's had very loose boundaries and I got hurt from that. Well my session this week she told me that my 1st T needed some humiliation for what he did to me, he crossed over so many ethical boundaries. I admit I liked the attention he was giving me, and it felt good to be made "special". But I would take it all back, to not feel the hurt I still feel 2 years later.

But I guess I am still blaming myself for what happened, I am trying to believe my T that it was my T's fault, he should have known better, and that I was taken advantage of.

I am a child abuse survivor and somewhere in growing up I figured it was my mom who was the bad one, to abuse me the way she did, I don't feel responsible. But for my T to do what he did, while I was an adult it is hard not to feel responsible. But I was vulnerable and he was in a position of authority of me, even if the relationship turned personal.

I am glad I fired him and got away from when I did, I do feel our relationship was going down the slippery slope into a sexual relationship. But it is hard to give up that he was the responsible one, and it wasn't my fault.
I am trying to believe my T, I know intellectually she is right , but emotionally it is hard to accept it right now.
How do I not make myself not feel guilty or responsible for what he did to me?

[isb63]

Originally Posted by exoticflower

It is a long story, but I was with my first T for 2 1/2 yrs. and it progressed more into a social relationship than a professional one. We saw each other maybe 2 or 3 times a week at the gym where much flirting took place. During termination, things got really personal and the flirting at the gym increased a lot. But the thing is when things get personal, his objectivity was lost on me, and he hurt me by telling me that he didn't care about me, if I died he wouldn't come to my funeral, etc. I fired him that day and started with another T a couple days later.

Well it turned out it was one of friends and this T, although did help me in ways, never could validate what my 1st T did to me, he protected him instead. When I terminated with him he admitted it was hard to hear my story because he was in a similar situation with a client several years ago.

So now I have a lady T, who has been so awesome. She has kept tight boundaries with me, and it has made me feel safe because my other T's had very loose boundaries and I got hurt from that. Well my session this week she told me that my 1st T needed some humiliation for what he did to me, he crossed over so many ethical boundaries. I admit I liked the attention he was giving me, and it felt good to be made "special". But I would take it all back, to not feel the hurt I still feel 2 years later.

But I guess I am still blaming myself for what happened, I am trying to believe my T that it was my T's fault, he should have known better, and that I was taken advantage of.

I am a child abuse survivor and somewhere in growing up I figured it was my mom who was the bad one, to abuse me the way she did, I don't feel responsible. But for my T to do what he did, while I was an adult it is hard not to feel responsible. But I was vulnerable and he was in a position of authority of me, even if the relationship turned personal.

I am glad I fired him and got away from when I did, I do feel our relationship was going down the slippery slope into a sexual relationship. But it is hard to give up that he was the responsible one, and it wasn't my fault.
I am trying to believe my T, I know intellectually she is right , but emotionally it is hard to accept it right now.
How do I not make myself not feel guilty or responsible for what he did to me?

I had a similar experience, except it did get physical. I blamed myself for a long time--I was raped when I was 5, so I had no "boundaries", and when my T did what he did, I thought it was to help me. Fianlly I figured out what he was doing was wrong, and only for self gratification. IT WAS ONLY FOR HIS SELF GRATIFICATION. tRY TO UNDERSTAND THAT--THAT IS NOT your FAULT HE WAS UNETHICAL. yOU DID NOT KNOW ANY BETTER--hE WAS THE ONE IN CHARGE, AND IT MOST LIKELY WAS AGAINST THE LAW (DEPENDING). aGAIN---not your fault!!!!!

Thank you Isb,

Was there a defining moment when you went from blaming yourself to blaming him? My T is working so hard on me not to accept the responsibility for his actions, I am about 25% there.. we are using EMDR with those thoughts to rewire my brain and thinking.

[bluenarciss]

Hello exoticflower,

maybe you should consider to include the thought what could be your personal lessons out of this experience for your future.

Generally, I think it takes two to flirt. So you had a certain part in it. No doubt, the bahavior of your T was unethical and maybe even abusive.

So you should ask yourself what made you go along with a process that seems to have hurt or damaged you. I assume you were not or not fully aware of the consequences when it started. This is the first important point. If you know that there is no inner voice warning you, you should try to find techniques that can help in such "critical" moments, to keep your head clear and train your intuition before going into action. Talk with your T about that, I would propose.

Another proposal is to define and set up your personal boundaries. There will be situations when no T is actually at your side, and generally you should be enabled to sufficiently care for yourself. This is something that can be learned and trained. Maybe you still right now have no clear view of what you can allow and what not, since your boundaries were kind of destroyed and therefore need "reconstruction". So I would propose to arrange with your T to make that a prior topic, too.

Best wishes,
bluenarciss

[darkrunner]

(((((((((((((((((((exoticflower)))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry for what happened to you.
I was in a similar situation, and I have learned that in such a relationship there is an unfair balance of power - the T has all the power and to cross boundaries is abuse - whether physical or emotional. By the very nature of going to a T and asking for help, the T is put into a position of authority and must absolutely maintain appropriate boundaries. Even if someone completely throws herself at her T and tries to initiate a sexual relationship (which I know you didn't do), the T should not see that as an opportunity.... but a cry for help.
I know this is hard to accept - I have a hard time with it too.
My brain knows it is true but my heart can not accept it.
I can never hear too much that it was not my fault.
But, exoticflower, please know: IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!

[darkrunner]

Just wanted to add, this website really helped me understand 'Professional Exploitation'......so I thought I'd pass along the link, if you're interested:
http://www.advocateweb.org/hope2/index.php?func=home

[Capp]

((Exotic Flower))

Please try and hear what I'm saying...
In No Way Were You At Fault. Period.
That T took advantage of you, and the second one wasn't much better.

He took advantage of your vulnerabilities. He knowingly used them for his own gain. Part of his seduction--and that is what it was--is knowing that he could get away with it for many reasons...one being that it would make you feel special. Please do not berate yourself.
Another assumption he may have made is that you would not recognize what was happening, and he could keep doing what he was doing. Third, he was probably confident that if/when you did see the truth that you would do nothing more than move on...without making a complaint to the licensing board.
Do Not Blame Yourself.
He victimized you in a different way...

On a personal note, please accept my apology on behalf of all professionals who work very hard to help their patients/clients.
When I was working as a psych nurse, we were very careful in our words and actions to protect the patient. Any sign of flirting was cause for instant dismissal. People place their trust in us, once we have earned that trust. To take advantage of someone like this is jeopardizing their recovery.

I'm so sorry you, and anyone else, went through this crime. It is an assault of a different kind. A very damaging kind...

It's going to take time to work through any guilt/shame/responsibilty you are feeling. And your anger once it surfaces.
You are doing hard work with your female T, and I applaud your courage.
Keep posting and let your feelings out...it helps not only you but others here as well.

Be kind to yourself in as many ways as you can, no matter how big or how small that action might be.

If you have to say "It was not my fault" five hundred times a day, then do it. At some point you will believe it.

My best wishes for you in walking through this hell that is not of your making,
Cap
"If you are going through hell, keep going." Winston Churchill.
I add my own thought to that; Crawling is all right, too.

maybe you should consider to include the thought what could be your personal lessons out of this experience for your future.

-I have done some of this, I have learned a lot personally and for my future career. In fact this is what my 2nd T would talk about a lot. Intellectually I get it, but it is the emotional part that I am struggling with.

Generally, I think it takes two to flirt. So you had a certain part in it. No doubt, the bahavior of your T was unethical and maybe even abusive.

So you should ask yourself what made you go along with a process that seems to have hurt or damaged you. I assume you were not or not fully aware of the consequences when it started. This is the first important point. If you know that there is no inner voice warning you, you should try to find techniques that can help in such "critical" moments, to keep your head clear and train your intuition before going into action. Talk with your T about that, I would propose.

-When I started therapy with this T, I didn't know about therapy at all, the boundaries stuff, transference, counter transference. I didn't know what he was doing wrong, because it felt good to me. But I didn't know he shouldn't have been doing this stuff either until later. But by then I was already "involved" deep and it took for him to hurt me really bad for me to fire him.

Another proposal is to define and set up your personal boundaries. There will be situations when no T is actually at your side, and generally you should be enabled to sufficiently care for yourself. This is something that can be learned and trained. Maybe you still right now have no clear view of what you can allow and what not, since your boundaries were kind of destroyed and therefore need "reconstruction". So I would propose to arrange with your T to make that a prior topic, too.

-yup! This is a topic me and my T are working on! My boundaries are pretty good, if anything too rigid with family, friends, etc. I just didn't know at the time about professional boundaries are different, but then again, my T says that was HIS responsibility , the professional boundaries.Thanks Bluenarciss for responding and your support.

Best wishes,

What you have posted makes so much sense to me, and it is so helpful

Thank you so much ktgirl! I am sorry this happened to you too, but I feel better to know others feel this way who have had to deal with this situation, that I am not going crazy.
It is so hard to let go emotionally for me. I get it intellectually but my feelings keep creeping up. My T thinks it might be because I am holding myself responsible for the boundaries that were crossed. I am feeling reallly angry this week about it. Thanks for the website, It is a good one!

Capp,

Your response has me in tears, you are such a beautiful person. I am going to print if off and show it to my T. Thank you so much for validating me and giving me so much support.

I love this...

My best wishes for you in walking through this hell that is not of your making,
Cap
"If you are going through hell, keep going." Winston Churchill.
I add my own thought to that; Crawling is all right, too.

I don't have much words, but what you said effected me so deeply, thank you.

I decided to bring a complaint against my ex ex T with the APA. My current T told me to keep with the anger, keep feeling it, it SHOULD dissipate some. Well it didn't, in fact it made me very angry for what he did to me. It has been almost 2 years since I have fired him, and I am still hurting from what he did to me. So I am taking action, I don't think if it will take away the pain, but it might help me by putting this behind me some.

For those who have brought up charges, can you tell me a little how it went, etc?

[Berries]

I can't help you with info about bringing up charges. Sorry.

But I just wanted to APPLAUD you for doing so.

Way to stick up for yourself.

Way to love and care for yourself.

Way to get some sense of INPOWERMENT!

Good for you!!!!

[darkrunner]

Good job Exotic Flower.....and good luck.

What I can tell you from my experience with pressing charges is....
it is a LONG SLOW process....and you have to be patient.
And the waiting is terrible....
Tey may try to 'blame the victim' and make it out to be consensual and therefore not wrong......
that part feels really yukky
but hopefully truth will prevail and it will be worth it in the end..

Sending strength and perseverance your way...

[Berries]

Even if your ex T is never brought to justice in any way, he will still have your complaint attached to his license, which ALL prospective patients are allowed, by law, to see. So, if nothing else, you will have that.

And also, comlaints attached to liscenses can cause increase in malpractice insurance, as well.

Even if no one believes you, the complaint will still be attached to his license and that in and of itself will bring consequences to him.

I just had this disscussion with my T, the other day.

Thanks berries,

Your picture makes me long for summer so badly! :-) All I know is that I feel better, like I am doing something constructive. The letter is going out in today's mail.

KTgirl,

Did you press charges legally or make a complaint with APA? I have no money really to pay for a lawyer, but making a complaint with the APA licensing , isn't costing me anything. I will try to be patient, it will be worth it, and I hope it will help put this behind me.
I am already getting some flack from those who even know the most of the story, it is like how could I do it? (like I am doing something wrong) It is amazing to me how this society blames the victim instead of the perpetrator.
Plus I am in college (a much older student of 40) and I am wanting to be a T, well if I don't do anything about happened to me, how will that be helping the profession to take seriously their jobs. If anything I will probably work with those in the future who have been with an unethcial T, pro bono, just because I feel so strongly about this.

[darkrunner]

I have a lawyer and we are pursing legal action......my abuser was not a T but a clergy person.
Lots of lawyers will take cases on a contingency fee basis, which means you don't pay them unless you receive a settlement or monetary award and they take a certain % of that. That is what my lawyer does and it is the only way I could have pursued legal action, since I can not afford to pay a lawyer by the hour.

You said:
It is amazing to me how this society blames the victim instead of the perpetrator

I completely agree with this. It is a sad commentary on our society. People have such a hard time believing that those in a position of trust and authority are able to abuse that trust. I think part of it is a defense mechanism.....if everyone were afraid to trust Ts and doctors and lawyers and police officers, people wouldn't seek hel. So people in general try to pretend that this type of abuse doesn't occur....it is unthinkable....it must be the fault of the victim. But that is exactly why we hold people in such positions to a higher standard. They must keep meticulous boundaries because without those boundaries the potential for harm is huge.

Sadly, I have learned that this type of abuse is all too common.

I am really glad to hear that you are doing something about it, and that you have the motivation to help others in this situation. It is people like you that will be able to make a significant impact on others.......by being a 'wounded healer'.....
((((((((((((((((((exotic)))))))))))))))))))))))

[Berries]

GOOD FOR YOU FLOWER!!!

KTgirl,

Good luck on your situation, I hope you get some justice! I just sent out letter today, so I will see what happens from there. I know I feel better that I am doing something about it.
What gets me it seems like some of the people who don't want to believe this happens are people IN the same field. Like my T right after my unethical was so resistant in talking about this situation, first of all they were very close colleagues, and 2nd he was in a similar situation with a client, so he was actually trying to protect his friend instead of validating what my ex T did to me was wrong. Well now with my lady T, she has validated for me what my ex T and the other one for that matter, was wrong in doing what they did. I am so lucky to have her. T hanks so much for sharing your story and your support. ;-)

Thanks berries!

Your support means a lot and helps me so much!

[emilyjeanne]

Originally Posted by bluenarciss

Hello exoticflower,

maybe you should consider to include the thought what could be your personal lessons out of this experience for your future.

Generally, I think it takes two to flirt. So you had a certain part in it. No doubt, the bahavior of your T was unethical and maybe even abusive.

So you should ask yourself what made you go along with a process that seems to have hurt or damaged you. I assume you were not or not fully aware of the consequences when it started. This is the first important point. If you know that there is no inner voice warning you, you should try to find techniques that can help in such "critical" moments, to keep your head clear and train your intuition before going into action. Talk with your T about that, I would propose.

Another proposal is to define and set up your personal boundaries. There will be situations when no T is actually at your side, and generally you should be enabled to sufficiently care for yourself. This is something that can be learned and trained. Maybe you still right now have no clear view of what you can allow and what not, since your boundaries were kind of destroyed and therefore need "reconstruction". So I would propose to arrange with your T to make that a prior topic, too.

Best wishes,
bluenarciss

I totally disagree with Blue. This was not your fault. The reason that therapists are not supposed to have these types of relationships because there is a power differential.

I had a similiar experience but it went into a sexual relationship for 3 years. Although, I still feel ambivalent at times, he was the one who knew the ethical boundaries and chose to cross them. I ended up reporting him to his licensing board and he had a penalty.

[Berries]

((((((((((emilyjeanne))))))))))

i am so sorry that happened to you! & good 4 u 4 reporting him.
shud of ended his career. did it?

[emilyjeanne]

Originally Posted by Berries

((((((((((emilyjeanne))))))))))

i am so sorry that happened to you! & good 4 u 4 reporting him.
shud of ended his career. did it?

No he was only slapped on the hand. Was on probation for a year.

[yogirl]

dis cawt me eye, me wuz dare wen me big had a sexul relatship wit hur T wen she wuz a teen it wuz a man an pose tu see hem fer drug ovrdose, an den de lass T she hav wuz a woman an she tuu had de same kine of relatship as wit de man wun. me wuz dare fer both uf dem, an me reli hated it. but de big no wana du eni ding bowt it cuz she say she wuz partly faut at it.

me wish u lots uf luck

(((yogirl)))
I am sorry you had to go through this, it hurts so much , and nobody should hurt this much.