[silentandscared]

l dont know what to do and my resolve is so so low. Another night of drunkeness from him no voilence but so mush humilation with no where to turn. He says today that he is sorry but then he would l suppose whereas last night l was the lowest of the low and as he told everyone who was there wether they wanted to listen or not he doesnt care about us , all he is worried about now is wether he is happy and that it is. The whole place went silent everyone staring at me like somehow this was all my fault because as he has tols them now, l am just too hard to live with to put up with .......... do you know what he has to go through each and every day and you know what they believe him , l am just baggage on his arm. His children cried and stood in disbelieve as he told the whole world about me and how l am. my children went home with their auntie and me l had to get home on my own my worst fear which he knows........ he left me there no one cared if l was safe or how l was going to get home............... he came back in the middle of the night no violence but you know there may as well have been because that fear that waiting sitting all night was worse than any beating than l could recieve...................l think that this may be the end , the final humilation, the final insult that he could deal to me that it was pout in public and now everyone knows what a total waste of space l am and how hard he has it just to put up with me each and every day
The root evil of all this well of all the abuse over the years............ALCOHOL..........he just cant leave it alone and today l realise that all my love for him has gone it went along time ago, l just dont know how to take this step and protect my children from any more hurt. The church says for better or worse but surely there is only so much worse that any one person can stand. My system is now in complete shut down and all my emotions are again locked down as it is not safe to express them because l dont want to be here no more.... l am too tired , hurt and scared to fight this alone with all of them just waiting for me to mess up big time once again.................... l feel at the end of the road and l dont know what else to do
no peace, scared, tired, alone and very desparate.
The need to keep trying the need to try to repair is gone.......today apologies as usual with all the l dont remembers that he can muster.............. the problem l remember, his children remember and everyone who was there remembers.................HE is the only one who doesnt and why beacuse once again like so many times before HE was very drunk.
Please dont tell me to ask him to get help with his drink cus you know what l ahve over and over and when he thinks that l am at the end he promises but now those words and promises they mean Nothing to me at all...................... none of it does................years of drunken beatings, abuse verbally and psychologically have finally hit me hard and l feel broken he has ground me down til my worth is none existant so now ..................ITS THE END .......l feel

[silentandscared]

its ok to not know what to say this was just something l had to say

none of it matters ..................its just the way it is...............so what its just mandy

your internal pain
in every drop of blood in your veins
cold and merciless
causing deep distress
your voice in need to be heard
crying eyes and vision blurred

when you hear the wind blow
look out through your window
the air is fresh and the sun is out
so let it out - scream and shout
search and you will find
the one left behind

let me walk beside you through out the day
at night time - into your dreams - I will find my way
guard you heart in the haunting darkness
hold your hand in mine when you feel anxious
whisper words of faith into your ear
to push away the fear

one day you will be free
just to be
so fight a while longer
as you grow stronger and stronger
you will be tomorrow's beholder
gone is the heavy load on your shoulder



/daynnight

[silentandscared]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ Nina }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

thank you so much...........what would ldo without you

[hangingon]

Silent and scared
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am more appauled that your church is basically making excuses for your husband. No where in scripture does it say you stay with someone who is abusive and just take it. In fact, you are the apple of Gods eyes and should be treated that way, He certainly is not impressed by your husbands self-absorbed, perhaps Narcissistic behavior.

There is no excuse for his behavior. He may think you caused him to be that way or perhaps even make you feel like its your fault at times but it's not. He is the one who picks up the bottle and drink and only he, I repeat only he can take the step to put it down. You can't change that and it's not your job to. So let yourself off that hook as hard as they may be at times. Your husband will continue his behavior over and over.

You need change for you. Not for him, he is an adult and you are not responsible for him. You nor your children deserve to be in an enviornment like that.

I know its hard but don't ever feel guilty if you decide to take that step and leave. That may be the very thing he needs to get his life in order, and again only if he wants and decides to do that. He is not going to change if he thinks life will continue to go on as usual. It enables him because he knows he can do it and get away with that behavior over and over.

It's your decision but I want you to know that if you decided to leave for the children's and your sake, God will never judge you for that. It's taking care of yourself after all your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, would God not want you to care for it? I am not sure the extent of the abuse you suffer with your husband, but mental abuse is just as powerful and hurtful as physical abuse.
I wish you strength in your decision.

[Capp]

silentandscared,
You are a worthwhile and beautiful human being deserving of love and respect.
Don't let anyone ever tell you differently--or allow them to drag you down so far.

Please hear these words I'm saying from my heart;
Call your local battered women's shelter and get help. If you don't have a local one, call the town/city closest to you.
If that doesn't work, I have the number of the national organization and they will give you other resources.

You are not safe physically, and obviously emotionally too.
The same is true of your children.

Get help for yourself and your children. It is not up to you to try and do anything about his drinking--it is his problem. Period. His Problem.

Try and focus on getting out of that horrible situation. You do not have to live like that, silentandscared.

Aside from taking care of yourself, you know your children need a stable home. It doesn't have to be a mansion, but it does need love and respect within.
Right now your children are not only seeing you suffer, but they are learning that it is all right to treat you/any woman like this...

There is no place in the bible that says a woman has to be a doormat to an abusive husband...
Let go of any fear or guilt you may have because of any suggestion that it is all right.
It Is Not All Right

My best wishes for you to believe in yourself,
Cap

[Beautiful Butterfly]

Originally Posted by silentandscared

l dont know what to do and my resolve is so so low. Another night of drunkeness from him no voilence but so mush humilation with no where to turn. He says today that he is sorry but then he would l suppose whereas last night l was the lowest of the low and as he told everyone who was there wether they wanted to listen or not he doesnt care about us , all he is worried about now is wether he is happy and that it is. The whole place went silent everyone staring at me like somehow this was all my fault because as he has tols them now, l am just too hard to live with to put up with .......... do you know what he has to go through each and every day and you know what they believe him , l am just baggage on his arm. His children cried and stood in disbelieve as he told the whole world about me and how l am. my children went home with their auntie and me l had to get home on my own my worst fear which he knows........ he left me there no one cared if l was safe or how l was going to get home............... he came back in the middle of the night no violence but you know there may as well have been because that fear that waiting sitting all night was worse than any beating than l could recieve...................l think that this may be the end , the final humilation, the final insult that he could deal to me that it was pout in public and now everyone knows what a total waste of space l am and how hard he has it just to put up with me each and every day
The root evil of all this well of all the abuse over the years............ALCOHOL..........he just cant leave it alone and today l realise that all my love for him has gone it went along time ago, l just dont know how to take this step and protect my children from any more hurt. The church says for better or worse but surely there is only so much worse that any one person can stand. My system is now in complete shut down and all my emotions are again locked down as it is not safe to express them because l dont want to be here no more.... l am too tired , hurt and scared to fight this alone with all of them just waiting for me to mess up big time once again.................... l feel at the end of the road and l dont know what else to do
no peace, scared, tired, alone and very desparate.
The need to keep trying the need to try to repair is gone.......today apologies as usual with all the l dont remembers that he can muster.............. the problem l remember, his children remember and everyone who was there remembers.................HE is the only one who doesnt and why beacuse once again like so many times before HE was very drunk.
Please dont tell me to ask him to get help with his drink cus you know what l ahve over and over and when he thinks that l am at the end he promises but now those words and promises they mean Nothing to me at all...................... none of it does................years of drunken beatings, abuse verbally and psychologically have finally hit me hard and l feel broken he has ground me down til my worth is none existant so now ..................ITS THE END .......l feel

So now it's time to start living your life! Be done. You will be better, stronger and healthier on your own! I know it is a big final step, but it can be done. You can get important information on how to separate safely. You can do it. You can be a happy person.

[Sannah]

Mandy, how are you now? Has this thread given you any insight?

[silentandscared]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Mandy, how are you now? Has this thread given you any insight?

lots and lots of insight...............l guess im just a coward, but then l knew that already.......weal, pathetic, coward...............this is all just my own choice l know and its ok to say seems l need to just do it...........sorry

[lynn P.]

Hi Silentandscared,
I truly can feel your pain as I read your post and I'm sorry in such a difficult situation. I'd like to tell you about my brother, who passed away 1yr. ago. My brother was an alcoholic who died from alcohol poisoning and they say it was suicide. He was married for 30 yrs. and had one daughter. He tried many times to beat it and although successful sometimes - he would always slip back. I always wondered why my sister in law stayed with him and even asked her a few months prior to his death. She said she stayed for her daughters sake. She felt my brother could be vindictive, plus he did love his daughter and was worried about divorce affecting her. I 'm sure there was also something in her that made it difficult to leave. I'm sure she was a reluctant enabler and suffered co-dependancy issues as well. Near the end my brother was starting to get alcohol related alzheimers and they ended up in a fight where she left for 2 days. When she came back she found him dead in his bed. I don't blame her for leaving.
I'm telling you this story so that you can learn that you just can;t stay in this destructive relationship. Your husband has many issues the worst being the physical and emotional abuse. I know he has wore you down where you don't have any self esteem. You have to realize that you must get out as soon as possible. Please if you don't have anyone to stay with , then go to your nearest Women's shelter. I know it's scary because he's taken away your self confidence. You must know that you and your children deserve a better life. You should also get some counselling for you and the children. I wish my sister in law would have left my brother. Make a plan to leave and never look back. I send you my prayers and hugs.

[Sannah]

Mandy, you are not a bad person!