"Do you feel like a man
when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found."
-"Face Down" -Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.

It's not often that I start posts with song lyrics (that's pretty much a PC Blog sort of thing). In any case, the reason why is because these particular lyrics, as well as trying to analyze why loud noises are so upsetting for me, remind me of my step brother.

My step brother...he stirs a certain kind of anger in me. As well as love and pity, but mostly anger. It wasn't always that way. He has always treated me and my brother kindly. So of course being a sort of friend as a child I've loved him. He seemed like a nice, cool sort of guy.

I wasn't until I was older that I was exposed to a nasty side of him. This is when we moved in with him because our apartment was getting two expensive...just a year or two before I joined PC actually! The environment itself...wasn't to great to begin with. The deteriorating...well..everything gave the place this gross sort of aura that you just can't wash off. It was INFESTED with fleas. Holes in the walls everywhere, etc. a slum, basically, and for a year or so my home 2-4 days out of the week.

It was during this time period I learned that he did drugs (you know, besides cigarettes and alcohol)...I never saw any of it though, but I definitely heard about it. And apparently my brother also did some with him. Yeah, just a little pissed about that...Around the same time learned about how violent he gets, he punched out his room mate the first day or so we were there actually because they got into some dumb argument. It didn't really surprise me.

Next, learned about his tendency to be verbally abusive towards women. Mostly, my mom, and my older step sister. (And his girlfriend, when they got into fights) but never to me or my younger step sister, who he has always been nice to. It's sort of weird

I still remember the day they were fighting. It was horrible having to listen to them screaming at each other like that. I thought it was going to get physical the yelling was that bad. but I don't think it did. I practically begged my parents to stop them. but they didn't do a thing except sort of sigh in frustration. WHY??? I don't know...
He get's these weird ideas like the gov did 9/11 and aspartame gives you brain lesions, etc. and then got really offended when someone called these ideas conspiracy theories. He tried to manipulate my brother and I to believe him and not other people (and well, for a small amount of time it worked)In the end, this guy has a lot of issues, and is abusive, and tries to manipulate people. I wonder if I ever saw him again if he would still love me like he used to or now that I'm not really a kid anymore that he'd treat me not-so-nicely like everyone else.

But yeah, that's my post.

[skeksi]

It must have been really hard living with him. It sounds like even though he was nice to you, you never really knew if it was going to last. That can be nerve-wracking.

Well, when I was younger and living with him, I had no idea he was abusive to other people. He had a temper, but he'd always explain to me later about how what he did was right, etc. so I didn't think much of it. He likes to manipulate people, and I'm the type who is easy to manipulate because I have a tendency to be optimistic about people and yeah...and pretty gullible....so no matter how bad he treats other people, we got along just fine. The kid part of me wants him back in my life because he has been loving to me, and the adult part is scared that because the way I see him is warped and I'm older now that our relationship has changed. I guess more then anything I want to take his kid away from him... he and his now wife (then- girlfriend) had a kid one or a few years ago....