[Malady156]

somebody (a nice person) today said this to Moriah (about God):
"Moriah, He's in me reaching out to you right here, right now. How can I show you how deeply loved you are?"

the Little Ones that Go In the Dark wanted to answer, but it bes not safe answering there where she asked, so Moriah came here to write down what they (the Little Ones) said inside. they said ...

you can't. it can't be done, because we didn't get what we needed inside to make that possible for us. see, mommy didn't love us, and if mommy doesn't love you, you will never be able to believe anyone else does ever again.

plus also, mommy punished us for making her mad instead of for actually being bad and she punished us by making all the love go away and being mean and cold freezing us out. one time she did this we just could not bear it any longer and we starts crying and asks her please, please just give us a hug and let us know she loves us and she just pushed us away with her mad face on.

years later she would try to tell us she loved us but we never believed her anymore. we couldn't. she didn't treat our big brother this way; she loved him, and he never got one single spanking, ever, even when he made trouble. even if he told outright lies she always believed him no matter what he said. in her eyes, he could do no wrong. but when we asked about things and tried to get an honest answer about why she loved him better we gets told we bes bad for asking, WE bes bad for noticing the difference at all.

we felt so unwanted and unloved and so unhappy that we kept trying to find anything at all to reassure us this bes not real and that WE bes loved too. one year we secretly counted the presents under the Christmas tree to see who had more, cuz we thought if at least it came out to be the same, that would mean she and daddy loved us as much as big brother. we found out years later it had not been that big of a secret: she had seen us counting, and so in order to trick us, she had put more than one present inside each package for big brother and wrapped them together. she told us so.

the only problem with telling us this being, he'd had more wrapped packages to begin with.

not only that but mommy didn't want anyone else to love us either. we wanted so badly for someone to see how much we hurt, and care, and adopt us and take us away to a place we could be loved, really loved. one evening after a misunderstanding about getting to play a part in the Christmas pageant at church left us crying inconsolably, the woman in charge there put her arm around us, let us cry with face buried in her blouse while she thumped us on the back saying "sshhh, ssshhh," trying to calm us. she actually thumped a little too hard and we didn't like it but we put up with it like a good girl and dint complain cuz we could tell she bes trying to love us and we felt so hungry for anyone to just CARE at ALL that we had feelings and those feelings hurted.

but when mommy came to drive us home she had a mad look on her face, demanded to know what happened. we don't remember anything else about that night except she yanked us away from that woman, drags us to the car and drives home in this icy, grim silence like we'd been bad. we thought we had been bad for getting upset, for crying, and for letting the nice lady at church hold us. we knew the first two to be bad, because at home we bes not allowed to have feelings especially not ones that make you cry or yell. but we got left to figure out by ourself why mommy bes mad at us this time. we didn't understand but we knew we had been bad by making someone else care about us.

because at home we got told that everything we did or said that had to do with feelings, whether yelling or crying or saying we don't like something, we did or said as some kind of "act" or "trick" to try to get other people to care how we felt. and that bes WRONG WRONG WRONG and BAD BAD BAD because only wicked, naughty, horrible, ROTTEN SELFISH little girls "try to make other people feel sorry for them" and if you cry that bes what you have done too, try to make someone feel sorry for you, and that bes BAD BAD BAD. see, you don't have any real feelings to make you cry, you only pretend to as a way of trying to get your way with other people.

see? that bes what they tells it, all its life.

[Elysium]

Moriah.....

We're sorry that your Mommy tells you bad stuff like that and treats you like that!! You and your little ones are good girls with all your feelings...even mad, angry, and sad feelings.

Thank you for sharing with us.

Luv Willow (one of many)

[Eriksplus]

Malady...
I am terribly sorry the young ones had a life like this; my childhood too was rough.
sending you and them all the support I can...

(Kay)Erik

[Miracle1986]

(((Malady and littles)))

[nothemama8]

Always remember Malady, here we respect you and have been in nearly the same life as you, we all have our (life) stories and we (those in my ) hosts body trust you and care about you

Angie and all

malady...little ones...moriah ,sorry sorryverry sorry

ashes

[multipixie9]

Moriah,

i am sad with you. you did little girl mistakes and tiny girl wrongs. A loving mommy would see you as you are and she would teach you to do good things, she would chose "yes words more than "no words. You did nothing wrong and you were with her the first person to help her in a terrible time. I am so sorry for her family and for you losing such a good friend. Take care, good friends will be with you sometimestime and somewhere. (you can talk to god about anything at all and he will listen and never stop listening, never-stop listening. God loves little children so much that he will Moriah, matter as much to God as all the world take at

it is so horrible to be unbelieved, it almost re-does the whole hurt and adds more on top.

Then, when a nice person tries to help, you may want to run away or ignore them. One day in 1st grade (we all wore skirts or dresses and I HATED them. Mommy didn't wake up early enough so it was all scrambled and angry and yelling and then we got to school at Olmos Elementary.
At lunch a nice lady noticed I had put my skirt and shirt on backwards. She offered to take me to the teachers lounge to change. I felt terrified to go with a stranger person. I couldn't win. The lady accepted my fear and stopped trying to help. She guessed I was afraid. She was the 2nd nice person who accepted me and did not even force kinkness inside of me.

I hope really big, that God will bless that dear, kind lady; somehow he/she saw beyond the many clashing coats of many paint and.The Book that I learn and worship from says God looks at a person's heart, not his eternal parts of being.

Tonight I live in a house where "rightness" is measured by actions or by inactions. It hurts me like a buz saw when i have things matter, like chips in a glass in a beautiful table arrangement, where smudges saw beauty in mud and sticks, as well as make-believe pies white more than grubby, loving fingers that make furniture.

[anderson]

little ones you are not alone. you are also loved and understood by all of us that share those kinds of memiores we thought no one could love us either now we have love and understanding by insiders and outsiders alike

[Hunny]

Malady's Littles:

I am sorry I missed this post. Not sure where we were but want to send you so many loves and lots of hopes and dreams still to come true.

Hunny

Originally Posted by anderson

little ones you are not alone. you are also loved and understood by all of us that share those kinds of memiores we thought no one could love us either now we have love and understanding by insiders and outsiders alike