Suicidal Ideation sucks.

So yeah lately I have been having struggles with that, yet no one who sees me in person would know since I don't really talk about it. I also have still been getting out of the house, spending time with people trying to enjoy my time as best I can...but thoughts are still there a lot of the time and still in pain. So I just have to wonder how much longer I can keep going as of now there are a couple concerts I really don't want to miss but aside from that I've just been trying to keep in mind people I care about and how it would effect them....but I think its likely I'll eventually off myself. I mean sure I can keep going to the ER when in a crisis, spend time in the psych ward till I am not thinking about acting on it and then keep just trying the make the best of a not so wonderful life and mental state but eventually it will take its toll and I can forsee an eventual suicide. I sometimes can't help hoping for an entire system collapse, just total anarchy...I think the suicidal ideation some what feeds into that though.

yes this is not a positive post, its negative and not looking for 'it gets better' I don't believe that, I am sorry...more for if anyone else here understands how I feel or feels the same and how you cope with it.

I couldn't go to A&E cos of dark suicidal feelings cos I wouldn't be taken seriously or treated well, with care..I'd get forced away. I don't feel I can go to professionals when I'm at my worst. I just have to trust myself and have some strength and courage still to carry on regardless of the challenge for me. Of course no one wants to suffer alone. But it can be really distressing when you try to get help and support but end up being worse off cos of negative responses. In the end you can only count on yourself. When I seeked professional help I was just told to do self help stuff and they didn't believe my circs to be severe.

I do understand how you feel and feel for you. It's frustrating to say the least.

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Hi Hellion, I have had the suicide ideation as well. I will find my mind drifting into thoughts of it from time to time. I also try not to talk about it with people around me. I find all sorts of reasons not to do suicide, especially how it would affect my family. But that doesn't mean I don't think about it. In fact I think about it probably too often. I wish I knew a good answer for us. Last week I went to see the nurse practitioner at the neurologist office. I was telling her that I was having a terrible time with migraine headaches and that if they did not stop I would be almost suicidal. She asked in serious shock if I was suicidal. I decided then to shut up because I had a trip planned that weekend to visit my son for his birthday and I did not want to be sent to a mental hospital. Then I thought to myself, if she only really knew. There were times I thought about it, but I don't think I would ever really do it.

I can't do much but sending hugs your way.

Suicidal thoughts can turn into strong suicidal feelings and then suicidal behaviour. People should always treat someone who is expressing dark, suicidal thoughts/ideas with care and concern. Not create more distress for them.

I relate to you hanging on because you don't want to miss concerts. I was like that this summer with the Tour de France. It kept me going for about three months and afterwards too because I could see how my actions would destroy everyone else's happy memories of that time.

I have to keep finding reasons for carrying on and have been doing so for at least thirty years. I've just started CBT and the first thing the T wants to talk about each session is risk. I always tick the box about suicidal thoughts, nearly every day, for the last 2 weeks because that is how it is. I then get asked about specific plans, I do have a plan as to how, so then my T has to go through the routine of explaining my options should the feelings intensify. It seems an enormous waste of time to me because at the moment I'm resolved to hang on in there no matter how hard it gets, but if my resolve fails then no amount of risk management options will make any difference.

It is a really hard struggle and only you can know where your limits are. I hope that you can carry on finding reasons to hold on.

I've been in the psych ward twice because of thinking about it, so yeah sometimes when I have plans like to do something I hope to enjoy or spend time with someone I might not be entirely honest about how crappy I feel in therapy as don't so much like the idea of having to go again...I would tell someone or go to ER if in immediate danger like for sure on the verge of attempting. I have unfortunately done more than thought about it so it does worry me when I have a lot of suicidal thinking.

I feel for you and understand. I think about it a lot. I was better on Cymbalta the past few days, but today the family doc switched me to Welbutrin and the thoughts came back. Like almost all day, not constant, but frequent. When I get like this I wish I could go to the hospital and get more intensive treatment, but I can't right now. In my 30's and last semester of college. Seriously thinking if I'm not better by graduation in December, I might walk out of there and admit myself somewhere. It'd be over the holidays, but whatever.

I'm not selfish to have experienced dark suicidal thoughts and feelings cos they aren't part of me, they're part of my illness. No one decides to end their life without suffering immense sadness, pain and overwhelming distressing hopeless feelings. It can be so hard to think of others and have things to keep you going when the suffering is too much for one to take anymore.

I know that however bad things feel for me, if get intense strong suicidal feelings, I can't count on professionals for help, show care, understanding, take me seriously and treat me well. Based on past distressing experiences, I don't have confidence, trust in professionals, if in crisis, when feel can't cope, feel in great despair and close to acting on suicidal thoughts. I have no real help or understanding from others in my battle with illness.

I understand, don't know if it gets better. I also think about it a lot, think my family would be better off without me as I can't shake this depression. Good luck to you, I hope it gets better for all of you.

In the mean time I'll just have to keep listening to metal and other rock genres, just gotta figure out how to budget to afford more concerts...Listening to music with lyrics that adress things I think about or that are going on in life/the world whatever can help me feel better for a while. Though sometimes I am not in the mood for any music.

I relate Hellion. I have such dark thoughts daily as well. I find music helps quiet my thoughts, lately old country music for some reason, and having an animal to keep me company. Wishing you the best!

A lot of times, I have to force myself to take my pills, get out of bed, go to the bathroom, eat, etc. Times like these feel very difficult for me. As though my words just don't have enough significance to get my feelings across to others.

I like to think that most everyone here can understand precisely what I am describing....We shall see.

Gentle hugs to everyone. Just keep moving, forcing yourself to do ____. You CAN do it! Keep repeating those words to yourself for motivation to get ____ done.

I can relate. The suicidal ideation is pretty frequent for me right now and it sucks. I have so much crap going on in my life, I can't help but think how much better things would be if I were dead