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Grand Magnate
Member Since Apr 2010
Location: Colorado
Posts: 3,794
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#1
So yeah lately I have been having struggles with that, yet no one who sees me in person would know since I don't really talk about it. I also have still been getting out of the house, spending time with people trying to enjoy my time as best I can...but thoughts are still there a lot of the time and still in pain. So I just have to wonder how much longer I can keep going as of now there are a couple concerts I really don't want to miss but aside from that I've just been trying to keep in mind people I care about and how it would effect them....but I think its likely I'll eventually off myself. I mean sure I can keep going to the ER when in a crisis, spend time in the psych ward till I am not thinking about acting on it and then keep just trying the make the best of a not so wonderful life and mental state but eventually it will take its toll and I can forsee an eventual suicide. I sometimes can't help hoping for an entire system collapse, just total anarchy...I think the suicidal ideation some what feeds into that though.
yes this is not a positive post, its negative and not looking for 'it gets better' I don't believe that, I am sorry...more for if anyone else here understands how I feel or feels the same and how you cope with it. __________________ Winter is coming. Last edited by Hellion; Sep 18, 2014 at 04:18 PM.. |
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anon20141119, Jolisse, mermaidsoup, Onward2wards, Rohag, waterknob1234
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Onward2wards
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Member Since Oct 2012
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#2
I couldn't go to A&E cos of dark suicidal feelings cos I wouldn't be taken seriously or treated well, with care..I'd get forced away. I don't feel I can go to professionals when I'm at my worst. I just have to trust myself and have some strength and courage still to carry on regardless of the challenge for me. Of course no one wants to suffer alone. But it can be really distressing when you try to get help and support but end up being worse off cos of negative responses. In the end you can only count on yourself. When I seeked professional help I was just told to do self help stuff and they didn't believe my circs to be severe.
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anon20141119
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Elder
Member Since Feb 2014
Location: Michigan
Posts: 5,481
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#3
I do understand how you feel and feel for you. It's frustrating to say the least.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk __________________ The "paradox" is only a conflict between reality and your feeling of what reality "ought to be." -- Richard Feynman Major Depressive Disorder Anxiety Disorder with some paranoid delusions thrown in for fun. Recovering Alcoholic and Addict Possibly on low end of bi polar spectrum...trying to decide. Male, 50 Fetzima 80mg Lamictal 100mg Remeron 30mg for sleep Klonopin .5mg twice a day, cutting this back |
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Hellion
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Feb 2014
Location: in school
Posts: 1,773
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#4
Hi Hellion, I have had the suicide ideation as well. I will find my mind drifting into thoughts of it from time to time. I also try not to talk about it with people around me. I find all sorts of reasons not to do suicide, especially how it would affect my family. But that doesn't mean I don't think about it. In fact I think about it probably too often. I wish I knew a good answer for us. Last week I went to see the nurse practitioner at the neurologist office. I was telling her that I was having a terrible time with migraine headaches and that if they did not stop I would be almost suicidal. She asked in serious shock if I was suicidal. I decided then to shut up because I had a trip planned that weekend to visit my son for his birthday and I did not want to be sent to a mental hospital. Then I thought to myself, if she only really knew. There were times I thought about it, but I don't think I would ever really do it.
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anon20141119
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Hellion
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Member Since Oct 2012
Posts: 631
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#5
Suicidal thoughts can turn into strong suicidal feelings and then suicidal behaviour. People should always treat someone who is expressing dark, suicidal thoughts/ideas with care and concern. Not create more distress for them.
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Hellion
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Out of Order
Member Since Feb 2014
Location: England
Posts: 15,855
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#6
I relate to you hanging on because you don't want to miss concerts. I was like that this summer with the Tour de France. It kept me going for about three months and afterwards too because I could see how my actions would destroy everyone else's happy memories of that time.
I have to keep finding reasons for carrying on and have been doing so for at least thirty years. I've just started CBT and the first thing the T wants to talk about each session is risk. I always tick the box about suicidal thoughts, nearly every day, for the last 2 weeks because that is how it is. I then get asked about specific plans, I do have a plan as to how, so then my T has to go through the routine of explaining my options should the feelings intensify. It seems an enormous waste of time to me because at the moment I'm resolved to hang on in there no matter how hard it gets, but if my resolve fails then no amount of risk management options will make any difference. It is a really hard struggle and only you can know where your limits are. I hope that you can carry on finding reasons to hold on. |
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anon20141119, Woman_Overboard
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Hellion
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Apr 2010
Location: Colorado
Posts: 3,794
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#7
Quote:
__________________ Winter is coming. |
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anon20141119
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Member
Member Since Sep 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 339
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#8
I feel for you and understand. I think about it a lot. I was better on Cymbalta the past few days, but today the family doc switched me to Welbutrin and the thoughts came back. Like almost all day, not constant, but frequent. When I get like this I wish I could go to the hospital and get more intensive treatment, but I can't right now. In my 30's and last semester of college. Seriously thinking if I'm not better by graduation in December, I might walk out of there and admit myself somewhere. It'd be over the holidays, but whatever.
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anon20141119
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#9
I'm not selfish to have experienced dark suicidal thoughts and feelings cos they aren't part of me, they're part of my illness. No one decides to end their life without suffering immense sadness, pain and overwhelming distressing hopeless feelings. It can be so hard to think of others and have things to keep you going when the suffering is too much for one to take anymore.
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notalone11
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Member Since Oct 2012
Posts: 631
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#10
I know that however bad things feel for me, if get intense strong suicidal feelings, I can't count on professionals for help, show care, understanding, take me seriously and treat me well. Based on past distressing experiences, I don't have confidence, trust in professionals, if in crisis, when feel can't cope, feel in great despair and close to acting on suicidal thoughts. I have no real help or understanding from others in my battle with illness.
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anon20141119
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Member
Member Since Jul 2014
Location: Ontario
Posts: 25
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#11
I understand, don't know if it gets better. I also think about it a lot, think my family would be better off without me as I can't shake this depression. Good luck to you, I hope it gets better for all of you.
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Apr 2010
Location: Colorado
Posts: 3,794
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#12
In the mean time I'll just have to keep listening to metal and other rock genres, just gotta figure out how to budget to afford more concerts...Listening to music with lyrics that adress things I think about or that are going on in life/the world whatever can help me feel better for a while. Though sometimes I am not in the mood for any music.
__________________ Winter is coming. |
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New Member
Member Since Sep 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 6
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#13
I relate Hellion. I have such dark thoughts daily as well. I find music helps quiet my thoughts, lately old country music for some reason, and having an animal to keep me company. Wishing you the best!
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Legendary
Member Since Feb 2009
Location: Rochester, MN
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#14
A lot of times, I have to force myself to take my pills, get out of bed, go to the bathroom, eat, etc. Times like these feel very difficult for me. As though my words just don't have enough significance to get my feelings across to others.
I like to think that most everyone here can understand precisely what I am describing....We shall see. Gentle hugs to everyone. Just keep moving, forcing yourself to do ____. You CAN do it! Keep repeating those words to yourself for motivation to get ____ done. __________________ "Only in the darkness can you see the stars." - Martin Luther King Jr. "Forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness but because you deserve peace." - Author Unkown |
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notalone11
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Magnate
Member Since Nov 2010
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 2,439
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#15
I can relate. The suicidal ideation is pretty frequent for me right now and it sucks. I have so much crap going on in my life, I can't help but think how much better things would be if I were dead
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