I am so frusterated and tired of trying!

I am so done trying to help my depression. I just get my hopes up enough for them to be crushed into hopeless despair.

I saw my pdoc (who is also a therapist and has been treating our sessions like therapy sessions) who told me today that she doesn't want me to take any meds for my condition. She said I shouldn't try anything else because my body just keeps rejecting everything. She says to leave it to therapy. I've tried nearly all the (SSRI/SNRI) antidepressants within the last 9 months. I have way too many side effects on all of them. I end up feeling worse on them than off so they always pull me off, that or I get a rash/itching that doesn't clear up until I go off the medicine.

Right now I feel soooo discouraged. I have tried TMS, which helped but only a little bit and now I have a $10000 bill racked up fighting with the insurance company who said they would pay originally. Which I wouldn't mind if I was better now but I'm not and can't take it.

I'm ranting right now and I am sorry if this triggers anybody!! I am just so DONE and can't do it anymore. I try to be mindful, I have been in therapy this whole time and am not getting anywhere.

I am trying to get TMS boosters to see if that will help at all but I can't do that until insurance pays up for the original charge and pre-auths the next round.

I am just lost. I don't know what to do anymore. The doctors say ECT isn't a good option for me either because I'm not suicidal and because I am highly sensitive to meds/procedures and typically have many side effects.

I've even tried all the natural remedies and have bad reactions to those, even in low doses!!!

I've tried acupuncture, meditation, yoga, I eat healthy, I only drink water, no drugs whatsoever (no alcohol either), I have a loving spouse, I have a great job that has me out on disability leave to get better, I am trying everything yet I stay in a depressed/anxious state and feel like I can't take it anymore.

What else can I do? I feel like I've exhausted all my options. I refuse to go inpatient because I feel that will only put me in a worse situation where I have my rights stripped away, which will make me even more depressed.