I lost control

So for the last 9 years I've managed to control my depression and bipolar episodes without meds or counseling. I still had instances but they seemed to be tolerable and not as extreme. I originally tried the med/therapy route but the meds turned me into a shell and the Dr's I felt never actually listened and just pushed more pills on me. One day I said enough and quit it all and with no more meds or docs to tell me I was in a episode I just buried myself in my art and it worked well. Well about 3 weeks ago I came across my wife's message to the neighbors about me venting to her but she said I was in the middle of a"pity party". I find it hard to trust folks and with her it was easy in the beginning and that was a tremendous help. But now I've resorted to keeping it all in again I have began to lose complete control of myself and actions. So I have no clue as to what to do. Or what point I'm making I just went on a tirade for which I apologize.

well to me it sounds like you are hurt by the fact that you felt you had the support of your wife as a sounding board when you needed to talk about your overwhelming emotions and then discovered that she was not the support system you thought and has minimized your feelings. you have felt that you have been managing your bipolar well and come to find out that your wife has defined it otherwise. this has got to come as a blow to you.

it is very difficult for family and friends of bipolars to act as a support system. i know this as a fact. i had a very good friend finally get brave enough to be honest with me and tell me that i wear her out. that was like 15 years ago and i can still hear the exasperation in her voice as if she said it today.

that is the reason for therapy. you have an outsider you can dump anything and everything on without judgement. and i know you are against meds because what they did to you but i just have to say that you were on the wrong meds. it took me a LONG time to find the right meds, and a lot of advocating for myself with drs who i frustrated the hell out of because i refused to stay on meds very long "to see if the side effect wear off", but i just kept trying different meds every few months until i found the ones that let me function to the best of my ability without side effects. i am high functioning and value my brain and refused to take anything that was going to dull my mind. and with persistance, i found the right drugs and live a normal life without cycling anymore. it is fantastic. i still hate the fact that i am taking drugs, but after 30 years of chaos, i love the stability i have in my life today. that keeps me taking them.

if you ever need to vent feel free to pm me. take care.

omg! "pity party" that would make me so grrrrr, they have no freakin idea I send love

Thank you both alot. I am still in a state of confusion as to my next actions.

Ugh. It's one thing to blurt out something like that during an heated discussion, quite another to type it in a message and send it to a neighbor.

(Well, maybe if the neighbor was her best friend and confidant, someone who knew the deal well enough to understand that you are not experiencing a "pity party." A poor choice of words borne of your wife's frustration at the moment, and not a reflection on you. Also that the neighbor isn't given to gossiping.)

But that's just speculation on my part. I've have similar situations over the years but never anything on that level, so all I can offer is

I would think a couples counselor could help, although my wife and I have never seen one so I can't say for sure. I'm new here but I see there are quite a few threads about couples therapy over in the Relationships & Communication sub-forum. Or maybe just repost over there? It seems to be a very active forum.

Personally I love heartfelt tirades provided they aren't abusive or grossly unfair (admittedly difficult to detect while the rant is tumbling out). I have a terrible time opening up, and I flat can't do it on a forum where everyone seems to restrained and walking on eggshells all the time. :-)

The neighbor is a really nothing to her vshe said she barely knows her
And I found it hard to open up on here at first and than I started chatting with a few folks and those fears and worries quickly disappeared. Here its no judgment or ridicule its like minded individuals helping one another to get to the next day. Its a place that's gives a voice to the downtrodden a path for those that are lost a connection to those that are alone. For me its a window into myself I have shared more here than with people I've known for years. But if you need a ear to listen feel free to send me a message anytime