why didn't mine get posted?

I'm so tired of taking medicines for the last 30 years and I really feel like I have nothing left to live for. I've done a lot of fun things, worked hard, had a house, had a relationship or two so what else is there. I don't want to leave my house, I don't want to be around anyone. I'm just taking up space.

I'm tired of taking meds, too, but they seem to be the only things between me and insanity. It sounds like you are suffering from a bout of depression. Things always look the bleakest when we are depressed. I fight that feeling often and know how discouraging it can be. Lately, I've been feeling like I'm just taking up space, too. I just try to get through one day at a times, as the old cliche says. Hang in there. You have a purpose, you may just not know what it is right now.

Sorry you feel so hopeless. It's really hard when we feel this way. I think you're still as valuable as anyone else, though I respect your right to your own opinion, I really hope you can find a way to hang on. Your experiences can help countless people here, for a start.

'When through someone's life A LITTLE more goodness and love, a little more light and truth is in the world, their life has been worth living.' Source forgotten, sorry!
Please be kind to yourself

Aggies01, can you still leave your house despite not wanting to? How "housebound" are you?

*concerned*

I have lost all motivation. My clinical depression (anxiety & ptsd) drain every ounce of energy & motivation completely out of me. I have been unemployed for 4 months, I quit real estate school after completing 5 of the 6 courses. Some days I don't get out of bed at all. Not even to shower. I simply don't see the point. I have tried eating healthy, exercising, vitamins, nootropics (cognitive supplements), antidepressants, mood stabilizers, praying, yoga, meditating, counseling, equine therapy/hobbies, reading, possible food sensitivities, and just about everything else. I feel like my life is on hold while everyone else is out living their's. Looking back on the past 4 years I haven't Accomplished any of my goals. I can't keep a job because I cant get out of bed. I was denied social security disability and my debt is over my head. The reason I havent ended my life is because of the love and support from my devoted bpyfriend of 3 years, my parents and my 2 year old rescue Pit Bull/Bull Terrier Mix Nala. I have seen every Dr, taken every pill and read every book. I feel like joy, peace and contentment are unattainable for me. The only thing that keeps me going are stimulants but I have an addictive personality so i always end up abusing them then crashing for days in bed and losing my job and fighting with my boyfriend. Energy drinks, Adderall, Adrafanil and whatever stimulant I can obtain. I take 3-4 times the recommended dosage and feel happy, productive and optimistic for 2-3 hours. Once that wired, "cracked-out", High wears off I feel empty, suicidal, exhausted, paranoid, restless and full of self-hatred. So, I drink more caffeine & take more pills & feel great again. As a result, Im up all night & groggy in the morning, which leads to taking even more pills. This is the vicious cycle Ive been spiraling downward in for 4 years now. Im 22 years old. I constantly feel that Im missing out on life. I have a phobia of aging & death. I cry every night when the sun begins to set because its a reminder of the inevitable: time passing and my life getting shorter and closer to ending. I feel as if I have to be productive every second of every day or else Im "wasting my life." if i oversleep or take a nap I tell myself that I am worthless, lazy and throwing my life away. The saying "youre only young once" keeps me up at night. I have a feeling of chronic emptiness. The short moments of happiness i experience are so brief and temporary and come purely from external things. I am constantly searching for more and more but they always run out. I feel like others are able to find joy from within themselves. I want that. I am told that only comes from God. I pray to him daily, read His word & go to church. I feel like i will never be happy or content in life and I will waste my whole life trying to find that. I feel as though no one could possibly understand how I feel. I want to get better. I want to be happy and live my life to the fullest. My biggest fear is being old and looking back on my life regretting all the days I wasted crying in bed. I'm considering medicinal marijuana in low doses. I live in Texas though. I just hate that I always feel so lonely, empty, hopeless and scared. I WANT to live & be happy. I do not want to end my life. I have so many goals!!! I want to travel, play the piano, sing, run marathons, become a fitness legend, become a professional horse rider, save abused pit bulls, own a house, understand nutrition, marry my amazing boyfriend, and just live life. I dont want to spend my life on the couch watching tv and watch everyone else live theirs. I am so restless. I know theres hope. I just dont know where or how. Thank you so much for reading (listening).
❤Theres_Always_Hope

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