Hopeless. I want to live my life. Help.

I have lost all motivation. My clinical depression (anxiety & ptsd) drain every ounce of energy & motivation completely out of me. I have been unemployed for 4 months, I quit real estate school after completing 5 of the 6 courses. Some days I don't get out of bed at all. Not even to shower. I simply don't see the point. I have tried eating healthy, exercising, vitamins, nootropics (cognitive supplements), antidepressants, mood stabilizers, praying, yoga, meditating, counseling, equine therapy/hobbies, reading, possible food sensitivities, and just about everything else. I feel like my life is on hold while everyone else is out living their's. Looking back on the past 4 years I haven't Accomplished any of my goals. I can't keep a job because I cant get out of bed. I was denied social security disability and my debt is over my head. The reason I havent is because of the love and support from my devoted bpyfriend of 3 years, my parents and my 2 year old rescue Pit Bull/Bull Terrier Mix Nala. I have seen every Dr, taken every pill and read every book. I feel like joy, peace and contentment are unattainable for me. The only thing that keeps me going are stimulants but I have an addictive personality so i always end up abusing them then crashing for days in bed and losing my job and fighting with my boyfriend. Energy drinks, This is the vicious cycle Ive been spiraling downward in for 4 years now. Im 22 years old. I constantly feel that Im missing out on life. I have a phobia of aging & death. I cry every night when the sun begins to set because its a reminder of the inevitable: time passing and my life getting shorter and closer to ending. I feel as if I have to be productive every second of every day or else Im "wasting my life." if i oversleep or take a nap I tell myself that I am worthless, lazy and throwing my life away. The saying "youre only young once" keeps me up at night. I have a feeling of chronic emptiness. The short moments of happiness i experience are so brief and temporary and come purely from external things. I am constantly searching for more and more but they always run out. I feel like others are able to find joy from within themselves. I want that. I am told that only comes from God. I pray to him daily, read His word & go to church. I feel like i will never be happy or content in life and I will waste my whole life trying to find that. I feel as though no one could possibly understand how I feel. I want to get better. I want to be happy and live my life to the fullest. My biggest fear is being old and looking back on my life regretting all the days I wasted crying in bed. I'm considering medicinal marijuana in low doses. I live in Texas though. I just hate that I always feel so lonely, empty, hopeless and scared. I WANT to live & be happy. I do not want to end my life. I have so many goals!!! I want to travel, play the piano, sing, run marathons, become a fitness legend, become a professional horse rider, save abused pit bulls, own a house, understand nutrition, marry my amazing boyfriend, and just live life. I dont want to spend my life on the couch watching tv and watch everyone else live theirs. I am so restless. I know theres hope. I just dont know where or how. Thank you so much for reading (listening).
❤Theres_Always_Hope

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I am sorry you are feeling so filled with despair. Psych Central refers people to crisis centers or hotlines that have thoughts of harming themselves or are in danger of doing so.

Here are safety plan explanations and tips so you can devise a plan to prevent self harm.
Psych Central - Search results for Safety plan

If you feel that there is a risk of acting on these thoughts call a hotline right away.

If you have a therapist or psych doc, contact them as soon as you can to look at meds.

There are life style changes that can give some relief that I have tried. These are not remedies but things that help me cope.

Diet can have an affect on how we feel. I have to watch what I eat because foods I eat can stabilize my moods or exaggerate them. A high protein low carb diet with snacks or meals every 3-4 hours will over time reduce my swings. I also avoid alcohol and recreational drugs because those can really increase depression.

Here is what I use when my head gets over crammed with thoughts. Breathe in a natural way. Silently count one on the inhale and 2 on the exhale. 3 on the inhale and 4 on the exhale. Continue up to 10 then go back to 1. This helps me focus on breathing rather than the wall of thoughts.

Other lifestyle changes that help me are doing yoga, exercises, mindfulness, calm music, and being active on Psych Central.

Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

(take your pick or have them all)!

i am sorry you feel soo bad, i've been there and back. think of the and back part. i'm 54 yrs now with teenage suicide attempts 2 which obviously didn't work-thank God.i think you need to see a doc soon and t to tell this to. they really do help even though alot of people don't care to believe in them. only those of us who have been there and back can attest to this. good luck