How to find motivation WITHOUT STIMULANTS

I have lost all motivation. My clinical depression (anxiety & ptsd) drain every ounce of energy & motivation completely out of me. I have been unemployed for 4 months, I quit real estate school after completing 5 of the 6 courses. Some days I don't get out of bed at all. Not even to shower. I simply don't see the point. I have tried eating healthy, exercising, vitamins, nootropics (cognitive supplements), antidepressants, mood stabilizers, praying, yoga, meditating, counseling, equine therapy/hobbies, reading, possible food sensitivities, and just about everything else. I feel like my life is on hold while everyone else is out living their's. Looking back on the past 4 years I haven't Accomplished any of my goals. I can't keep a job because I cant get out of bed. I was denied social security disability and my debt is over my head. The reason I havent ended my life is because of the love and support from my devoted bpyfriend of 3 years, my parents and my 2 year old rescue Pit Bull/Bull Terrier Mix Nala. I have seen every Dr, taken every pill and read every book. I feel like joy, peace and contentment are unattainable for me. The only thing that keeps me going are stimulants but I have an addictive personality so i always end up abusing them then crashing for days in bed and losing my job and fighting with my boyfriend. Energy drinks, Adderall, Adrafanil and whatever stimulant I can obtain. I take 3-4 times the recommended dosage and feel happy, productive and optimistic for 2-3 hours. Once that wired, "cracked-out", High wears off I feel empty, suicidal, exhausted, paranoid, restless and full of self-hatred. So, I drink more caffeine & take more pills & feel great again. As a result, Im up all night & groggy in the morning, which leads to taking even more pills. This is the vicious cycle Ive been spiraling downward in for 4 years now. Im 22 years old. I constantly feel that Im missing out on life. I have a phobia of aging & death. I cry every night when the sun begins to set because its a reminder of the inevitable: time passing and my life getting shorter and closer to ending. I feel as if I have to be productive every second of every day or else Im "wasting my life." if i oversleep or take a nap I tell myself that I am worthless, lazy and throwing my life away. The saying "youre only young once" keeps me up at night. I have a feeling of chronic emptiness. The short moments of happiness i experience are so brief and temporary and come purely from external things. I am constantly searching for more and more but they always run out. I feel like others are able to find joy from within themselves. I want that. I am told that only comes from God. I pray to him daily, read His word & go to church. I feel like i will never be happy or content in life and I will waste my whole life trying to find that. I feel as though no one could possibly understand how I feel. I want to get better. I want to be happy and live my life to the fullest. My biggest fear is being old and looking back on my life regretting all the days I wasted crying in bed. I'm considering medicinal marijuana in low doses. I live in Texas though. I just hate that I always feel so lonely, empty, hopeless and scared. I WANT to live & be happy. I do not want to end my life. I have so many goals!!! I want to travel, play the piano, sing, run marathons, become a fitness legend, become a professional horse rider, save abused pit bulls, own a house, understand nutrition, marry my amazing boyfriend, and just live life. I dont want to spend my life on the couch watching tv and watch everyone else live theirs. I am so restless. I know theres hope. I just dont know where or how. Thank you so much for reading (listening).
❤Theres_Always_Hope

Sent from my LG-V410 using Tapatalk

Wow, I wish I had seen your post earlier. I'm getting really sleepy now and don't feel like I can comprehend and answer everything you've written.

I will say that I went through the experience of being denied disability (in Texas) and it was extremely unpleasant.

Six months ago I was in the midst of a 3 year+ long depressive episode and desperate. Someone offered to pay for psychotherapy for me, so I started seeing a therapist who turned out to be amazingly helpful.

I got a new psych meds provider because the old one left for a new job. The new one (who trained in the city where you live) is super smart. He prescribed a low dose of an antidepressant that reset/fixed the horrible delayed-onset sleep problems I had been experiencing for most of the three years.

I have felt like a newly-hatched chick in many ways these past few months. I am slowly getting steadier on my feet but it's a slow process.

I find it very encouraging that you have things you want to do. You're not discounting the possibility of a future.

I think the fact that stimulants seem to help you is positive in one sense. The problem of abuse makes them less helpful, of course.

I will try to write more tomorrow, and I hope that others will respond as well. I'm never sure how this forum sorts posts. I usually select "new posts" then page through them. I didn't see yours until I finally went over to page 5 of new posts.

I hope that you'll hang out some with us here on Psych Central. It's a great place for venting and asking questions and learning. I think of us as a sort of group organism, like a hive of bees. (Yes, I know that's weird!)

Hi, sorry things are so over your head! I really don't know what to say. I'm B***** minded and sometimes that gets me up, but why I'm not sure. I really hope you get some help, and SOON. You mention stimulants, the trouble with them is your body gets used to them and once the stimulus wears off anyway, you just crash and end up worse off, I do try and avoid them,
I really feel for you at the moment, and hope you find some was through.

Hello to a fellow dog recuer - I too am involved with animal rescue and that seems to bring me joy. Getting out of myself and doing for others helps me out a lot. I also have taken all the anti-depressant / anti-anxiety meds and have been on Adderall for the past 7 years. I'm a recovering alcoholic (almost 20 years), so I respect the only medication that gives me some relief. I turned 60 a few days ago and I never thought I would STILL be depressed at this age... I guess I thought I would out-grow it or there would have been a miracle cure developed by now. I have a Master's degree in Animal Physiology and a minor in Chemistry and I feel worthless at not being able to put those 9 years of college to use... But - I love my dogs and they are my saviors. Thank God I have them. Hope you feel better soon!!

OP - have you thought about or tried hormone replacement? One of yours could be totally out of wack. I'm not looking to get personal or for an answer on here, but does it hit your harder when you get close(r) to that time of the month? Maybe it's biological - something to think on. If you haven't done so get your hormone levels checked. ALL of them.

I read a good book (Unmasking Male Depression) talking about male depression and how we (men) go through a 2-3 year cycle because we have so many "outlets" (sports, work, cars, etc) that we never really hit the bottom and come back up. We keep "cheating" the "normal" ups and downs, so we never fully "recover". He get's a little to religious for me, but hindsight being 20/20 I can look back and see 2-3 year "lows" every couple years for the past 20-25yrs. Maybe you're in one of these cycles and can't break out.

I can look back and see periods of time where experience what you fear - not really living interspersed with moments of happiness/joy. Even now and I KNOW better, I catch myself just sitting on the couch watching "nothing" on TV opposed to doing things that need to be done. Part of it is the weather, I live in Texas as well, but even on nice days I don't even feel like riding my Harley. So I understand where you're coming from to a degree.

Find joy where you can and live for the little moments. And hopefully you'll find that thing that helps you get out of bed or off the couch and that makes those moments longer.

I think with your prescription abuse problem you really need to see a therapist who can also help you with your depression.

Have you only taken SSRIs? There are some 2nd generation antipsychotics approved for the treatment of depression.

Have you already filed an appeal for disability? If not, do that.

Don't see the debt as ruining your life. When you're in a better place you can file for bankruptcy and start with a clean slate.

Do you walk your dog? At times when I felt too depressed to get up my dog whining to go outside made me leave the bed and walk her, albeit slowly.

My husband abuses his Adderall, too. Leaving him with the crash after he runs out.

I agree that counseling is highly recommended.

Just don't give up. There are new meds all the time and the next one just might work. I hope one day that they'll find one that works for everyone.

Meanwhile enjoy the small things such as spending time with your dog and bf.

I hope things improve for you soon.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk