I have lost all motivation

I have lost all motivation. My clinical depression (anxiety & ptsd) drain every ounce of energy & motivation completely out of me. I have been unemployed for 4 months, I quit real estate school after completing 5 of the 6 courses. Some days I don't get out of bed at all. Not even to shower. I simply don't see the point. I have tried eating healthy, exercising, vitamins, nootropics (cognitive supplements), antidepressants, mood stabilizers, praying, yoga, meditating, counseling, equine therapy/hobbies, reading, possible food sensitivities, and just about everything else. I feel like my life is on hold while everyone else is out living their's. Looking back on the past 4 years I haven't Accomplished any of my goals. I can't keep a job because I cant get out of bed. I was denied social security disability and my debt is over my head. The reason I havent ended my life is because of the love and support from my devoted bpyfriend of 3 years, my parents and my 2 year old rescue Pit Bull/Bull Terrier Mix Nala. I have seen every Dr, taken every pill and read every book. I feel like joy, peace and contentment are unattainable for me. The only thing that keeps me going are stimulants but I have an addictive personality so i always end up abusing them then crashing for days in bed and losing my job and fighting with my boyfriend. Energy drinks, Adderall, Adrafanil and whatever stimulant I can obtain. I take 3-4 times the recommended dosage and feel happy, productive and optimistic for 2-3 hours. Once that wired, "cracked-out", High wears off I feel empty, suicidal, exhausted, paranoid, restless and full of self-hatred. So, I drink more caffeine & take more pills & feel great again. As a result, Im up all night & groggy in the morning, which leads to taking even more pills. This is the vicious cycle Ive been spiraling downward in for 4 years now. Im 22 years old. I constantly feel that Im missing out on life. I have a phobia of aging & death. I cry every night when the sun begins to set because its a reminder of the inevitable: time passing and my life getting shorter and closer to ending. I feel as if I have to be productive every second of every day or else Im "wasting my life." if i oversleep or take a nap I tell myself that I am worthless, lazy and throwing my life away. The saying "youre only young once" keeps me up at night. I have a feeling of chronic emptiness. The short moments of happiness i experience are so brief and temporary and come purely from external things. I am constantly searching for more and more but they always run out. I feel like others are able to find joy from within themselves. I want that. I am told that only comes from God. I pray to him daily, read His word & go to church. I feel like i will never be happy or content in life and I will waste my whole life trying to find that. I feel as though no one could possibly understand how I feel. I want to get better. I want to be happy and live my life to the fullest. My biggest fear is being old and looking back on my life regretting all the days I wasted crying in bed. I'm considering medicinal marijuana in low doses. I live in Texas though. I just hate that I always feel so lonely, empty, hopeless and scared. I WANT to live & be happy. I do not want to end my life. I have so many goals!!! I want to travel, play the piano, sing, run marathons, become a fitness legend, become a professional horse rider, save abused pit bulls, own a house, understand nutrition, marry my amazing boyfriend, and just live life. I dont want to spend my life on the couch watching tv and watch everyone else live theirs. I am so restless. I know theres hope. I just dont know where or how. Thank you so much for reading (listening).
❤Theres_Always_Hope

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Hi there's always hope, sorry you're struggling so much. You kind of diagnosed yourself with regard to the stimulants. I know if I even take caffeine (in cola or coffee) I will become more anxious and restless, even though it also makes me feel better able to concentrate and can lift my mood. I'm very careful with it and avoid it whenever I feel restless. It's hard for you, but if you can get help to come off the stimulants and eat regular meals or snacks of slowly absorbed food like whole grain, veg, moderate but adequate protein, nuts, seeds, your energy levels will level out and you will feel more able to work toward your goals. Much easier said than done, as you will feel bad while withdrawing, but it will be worth it. The quick fix and buzz is so tempting, but you described the high price you are paying for it. Can your doctor suggest support if you really want to come off them? The only one who can do it though is you and you have to be committed. This sounds harsh but I do understand. I have my own unhelpful coping strategies I'm trying to stop and I know I have to choose the right choice each time and each time it's my choice. Believe me, I want you to have the better life you can have, even though it won't be perfect, you're young, half my age, and you can get more from life than you do now. Good luck and best wishes. I really mean it.

Restless but paralyzed... That's familiar...

An observation about happiness: Some things in life are like skittish butterflies. Pursue them and they flee. Ignore them and they may light on your shoulders.

Please offer Nala gentle scratches from me.

Very beautiful sentence