for me but anybody is welcome :)

Thanks, yes, that link worked. Certainly I can relate - a very validating article.

Today is a bad day. It's a bad, bad day.

What's the matter lavendersage? - vital

Give me strength give me strength give me strength give me strength give me strength give me strength give me strength give me strength give me strength

One of the things in my bag o'crap is Seasonal Affective Disorder. For the past couple of years I've been living somewhere very unlike where I lived most of my life before. It gets colder and does so sooner and lasts longer. It also becomes unrelentingly gray....like every drop of color in the world has been siphoned off, the (gray) sky hangs so low it looks like you could reach up and touch it, and the sun...though it must be up....is absolutely nowhere to actually be seen.

I started having anxiety about this time of year approaching again at the beginning of August when I noticed it was getting darker earlier.

I have thoughts that verge on panic like, "It's coming! It's coming!" like a child might thinking about the boogie monster.

I have a light box which I will use for light therapy this year. But I can't shake this foreboding feeling of impending doom. I can't carry the lightbox around with me everywhere and it's going to look like the way I described day after week after months on end. I hate it with a passion.

I'm thinking of getting a poster (big) of as green a forest I can find, maybe with some bright blue sky peeking through to put at my desk at work. I face huge floor-to-ceiling windows. :: My co-workers will likely look and think I'm nuts.

I don't want the sun and the colors to go away.

I think this is a tough time of year for lots of people with MH issues, if they live in the northern temperate zone, where the days are growing shorter rapidly. I had a psychiatrist tell me years ago that September-October are the toughest time of the year for lots of people.

My mood has gone from pretty good 5 days a week & sucky 2 days a week to almost the reverse during the past month. The fall allergies are starting, too.

I have never had a light box. Do you notice a definite benefit from it? I have been living in an area for the last 5-6 years that has a much longer, grayer winter than what I was used to.

I'm a few years older than you (I'm 53) and I have been living through perimenopause hell for the last 6-7 years. I was not able to figure out a way to afford to see a gynecologist to having testing for hormone levels done. I definitely would have done that if I was able.

During the last year, I have felt like my hormone levels are calming down. It's such a relief. That doesn't mean that all the mood stuff isn't still going on, but that's plenty to deal with without throwing fluctuating estrogen and progesterone levels into the mix.

I don't want the leaves to go away. We still have gorgeous autumn leaves to look forward to, but after that it's bare trees and lots of days with gray skies. (We actually have quite a few sunshine-y winter days here, too.)

Hi Jo. Thanks for responding.

I've never used the lightbox - I bought it new last winter. I'll begin using it in a couple of weeks I think. I'm hoping against hope it does the trick. The anti-d I'm taking sure as heck isn't doing much. What else is new? There's a reason why I post in "treatment resistant".

Do you mind sharing - even if it's by PM'ing me - what state that you live in? I don't need city's and, of course, if you don't feel comfortable, don't worry about it at all.

I can't tell you how much taking the bio-identical hormones have helped with my perimenopause BS. Actually, my full-on menoP because I think I suffered through much of peri completely unaware what the hell was going on but when my libido totally tanked, my skin changed (texture-wise, and not for the better), plus I could not remember A SINGLE THING from minute to minute, oh! and half my hair fell out....I went to the gyno and she said "you're IN menoP." Hair hasn't grown back, libido still DOA, skin still not great, but at least the hot flushes have stopped and I'm not AS absent-minded as I was. I truly thought I was losing my mind.

I don't want the leaves to go away either. I hate it.

One of the things that I don't think people who have never had a clinical bout of depression understands is the number of "deaths" that we are forced to endure. Particularly those of us that just can't seem to shake TRD,

The French call an orgasm "le petit mort" ("the little death"). Well, I think depressed people face lots of "little deaths", too, but they aren't the fun kind.

I remember when I was in intensive out-patient and one of the counselors talked to us about being aware that we will have to "grieve" parts of our "before depression" selves that may not ever return to what they once were. Parts of what we used to be like may not ever come back, or if they do, not exactly like they once were.

I was paralyzed by fear and (no surprise) more depression at hearing this. Christ, you mean it's not bad enough that I have to feel life S.U.C.K.S. ...I may also have to get used to myself not being the person I once was?? I may have to get used to being "less than" in things that heretofore were no biggies for me? Holy crap. NO. Stop - I want to get off.

Things like multi-tasking, and memory, motivation, focus, energy, ability to cope. These are just some of the things (and each one of those is a BIG thing) that I've had a "little death" about. And, these little deaths are gifts that, unfortunately, keep on giving. Because you don't just get to have a little death only ONCE when you become aware that, in some fashion, you're not like you used to be. Until and unless you develop and acceptance skill about these sorts of realizations, you get to have these little deaths over and over and over. Each time you're brought face-to-face with the realization, "Nope, I can't cope like I used to be able to."...little death....but you go on....and then a few weeks later something else happens and once again, you have to realize "Nope, I can't cope like I used to be able to"....little death.

I feel like if we could hit rewind on my life and see back where I've been...there'd be dozens and dozens and dozens of tiny funeral pyres littering the path I've walked these many years I've traveled with this awful disease.

No wonder some people finally just can't take it another second and would rather be "Lights out. Fini!"

Depression is absolutely merciless. It doesn't spare a person a thing. It really is a monster completely without value and devoid of any redemptive qualities. When I re-read those last 3 sentences I think that is the definition of evil.

Tonight is my first DBT group session. I really, really like the moderator. She's fantastic. In fact, I wish she was also my individual therapist.

I'm curious, a little apprehensive, and hopeful about tonight. I realize feeling multiple emotions simultaneously is not unique to BPD, that it's part of the human condition in general. But I've always been acutely aware of every single one that I'm feeling and sometimes, boy oh boy, that can be so damned exhausting. Sometimes I wish I could be more...I don't know....more like if someone asked me, "So, how are you feeling about this?" I would think a second or two, shrug a tad disinterestedly and say, "Dunno...[a] few things, not sure," and be OK with that as I really wouldn't be more dialed in than that.

Ignorance can be bliss sometimes.

Isn't that the truth. Self awareness and feeling one's feeling is great, but man, ignorance must sometimes feel like a cool drink of water on a hot day.

Remeron, imho opinion is great at very low dosages thats about 1/4 of the actual pill to put you to sleep, but it terms of sleep architecture it messes it up for good. When I was on it I slept when nothing worked to put me to sleep, but I slept for 11-12 hours and woke up tired, also it hits histaminic receptors so you really do put on weight. All the best.

Today is just not a good day. I'm scared, very anxious (over, what else is new?: my finances), not really able to focus on work, tired, drained. Feeling hopeless.

Well, the 1mg of Xanax for me to sleep isn't cutting it anymore. I've need to bump to 1.5mg and I'm not real happy as I don't want to continue upping a benzo dosage to keep pace with the resistance I'm building to it.

Also, though I'm now at 80mg Fetzima....meh. I'm not gathering dust sitting on my couch like I used to be but I'm not going to win any awards for having decent motivation any time soon either.

Finally, the emotional dysregulation with my ex-bf (who I continue to live with due to my finances) is still not under control. He frequently, and I do mean frequently, drives me up one wall and down the other.

I made an appt. with my pdoc for next Wed.

I'm going to ask about switching to low-dose Seroquel for sleep. I know it's a weight packer-on but I've also heard at low doses it's not prone to do that. Of course, if I gain a pound after I begin taking it, it's gotta go.

As far as what to do about the motivation. God, I don't know. The one thing that worked like a dream was brand Adderall but at over $350/month (and that's with my insurance!!), that's not happening.

Mood labilty (i.e. "emotional dysregulation"). I know mood stabilizers are supposed to help. I was taking Lamictal but I heard it can interfere with your hormones and I've got enough already to deal with in that realm. I don't know what to try next!

Pdoc dropped me back to 40mg Fetzima and added Abilify. I want to take the lowest dose possible of Abilify (to start at least) so I'm cutting a 2mg pill in quarters and taking .5mg. He kept the 10mg 2x a day of Buspar in the mix, too. I also have the psych supplement from a compounding pharmacy I can never remember the name of nor ever to take it as it's in the fridge (per the bottle's instructions).

Pdoc gave me a scrip for Seroquel for sleep but I've thought more about it, read more about it and I'm not doing it. I'm going to slowly, like, paaaiinnnnssssttttaaakkkiinnnggglllllyyyy slowly going to titrate down and off the Xanax and see what happens with my sleep.

If, once Xanax is out of the pic, it's takes forever to get to sleep and/or intermittent waking up throughout the night and or/waking too early and not being able to fall back asleep, I'm considering low-dose Elavil. I've done some (but need to do more) reading up on it.

I took my first dose of Abilify today.

0.5mg.

I always go in knowing any med that I take's profile (side effects, activation, half-life, titration, yadda, yadda). So I never know if I'm experiencing a true side effect or it's the power of suggestion since I'm highly susceptible. (I'm an Advertising/Marketing person's wet dream: you show me a commercial for chocolate chip cookies? BAM! I want chocolate chip cookies!)

I feel really.....awake. Like a.w.a.k.e. Not jittery. Not buzzed. Not "high". Not "speedy". Just....I don't know how to put it in words.....

I'm just not feeling low-energy, draggy, tired. Damn. .5mg?? What must higher doses be like? How do people tolerate them?

After thinking on it some more, I never filled the Seroquel prescription. I'm thinking of Elavil instead as the Xanax tolerance continues to grow and I don't want to continue upping my dosage to stay ahead of it.

It's 2:45am. Good grief: go to bed!

Well, the 20mg of Latuda is definitely doing some mood stabilization.

I was out to dinner with my ex and he can tap dance (with cleats on) on every trigger I have that will spiral me in to RAGE and tonight was no exception....and the rage didn't come.

I'll be damned.

I can't say its doing anything for my depression necessarily...but I'll take the mood stabilizing. Oh yeah.

I wonder, though, if it has anything to do with my mouth tasting like I'm using it as a salt dispenser? Yuck. That is so not fun.

So I spent the better part of December arranging for, preparing to, and then actually moving myself back to the area of the country where I spent most of my entire life.

And while I thank the universe that I'm no longer where I was, things are pretty bad right now.

It's why I've been so quiet and absent. I tend to hunker down, turn inward, self-isolate. I don't offer much in the way of support to people posting because I'm sorta... conserving my energies just to make it through each day. Plus I don't feel like anyone as low as I'm feeling and doing has much in the way to offer...though I do empathize with other people's pain. Can't shake that (wouldn't want to).

I can feel words, paragraphs, huge chunks of writing....bubbling, bubbling just below the surface. Maybe in the coming days they'll come out.

I am so tired of this life, these struggles.

I am learning, understanding, becoming more accepting of the heretofore (for me) unthinkable notion of letting go of certain mindsets, goals, etc. That it's ok.

I hated being where I was but now I hate where I am now.
And I have nowhere to go.
I don't belong anywhere.
I am lost.
And nobody wants me.
Why was I born?

l learned that you're supposed to get to know your "indicators". The things that happen when the maw of the abyss is beginning to widen and you're teeter-tottering on it's edge.

I suppose it starts with me getting more brooding, quiet. The world gets to seeming like it's in a perpetual state of gray and so am I.

I go to work and get my job done, even act ostensibly "fine", but inside I'm dying.

I start to not take care of myself. I won't shower on weekends. I won't brush my teeth before bed.

My diet will become erratic. I may not eat anything for days and when I do eat it will be something unhealthy like a sleeve of cookies. I stop trying to stay hydrated (something I struggle with in the best of times). I get severely and painfully constipated.

The house may start to suffer in terms of staying on top of cleaning and paperwork.

I start self-isolating. Not calling anyone on the phone, not making plans to get out and do things, see people in my life.

I begin staying up later, and later, and later. I couldn't figure this one out for the longest time and I've never read this symptom in anybody else's accounts. WTH was I staying up to all hours for, night after night?? Even sometimes when I had to work the next day! I finally figured out it was a combination of things:

1) I didn't want to go to bed alone and be still and alone with my thoughts
2) tried-and-true "magical thinking" which goes like this: "If I stay up, maybe something will happen and the day will turn out better than it is. Maybe someone will call and express that they care about me, haven't forgotten me, want to know how I'm doing." Yeah - somebody's going to ring me at 2:30 in the morning. Sure.

Eventually, I have to start sleeping with the lights on. The dark is too enveloping. It makes my alone-ness too complete; it chokes me so I could gag.

It may get so bad that keeping the lights on AND TV has to happen.

I may, finally, not be able to go in to my bedroom to sleep and instead stay on my couch as going in to my bed alone is too reinforcing of how very much alone I am.