for me but anybody is welcome :)

The dark is coming
It's all around me
Pouring in to me
Obliterating all light
Consuming me
I don't even care
Life is too much pain
I welcome the void
If it gives me peace and quiet
My life is barely tenable
I long for oblivion
I'm tired of struggling
I want this all to be done.

(((((((((((Lavendersage)))))))))))

(((((((((( lavendersage )))))))))

Trying to figure out the point but I just can't. I may make more money soon and that will put me in a better place financially and ease many stressors....but I am drowning in isolation. Loneliness is so profoundly present I doubt my own existence. Can you be real when you're this invisible? It (I) feels like it (I) did just before I went in to the hospital.

I'm that much older, I'm that much more distrustful and vulnerable; therefore that much more reticent about putting myself out there. I'm not at the beginning. What is the point in sticking around? I have nobody to talk to IRL the majority of the time and it's killing me.

Loneliness is killing me. It can you know.

Wishing I could give you a real hug, wish I could ease your pain

(Loneliness, so profoundly painful, so many here "get it" )

(Selfishly I hope you stick around )

I have no answer to your question, I'm sorry your loneliness is so all consuming.

If only we could have real,safe hugs here.

When your financial situation improves, easing your stressors, could that lead to you becoming more of a social animal - forgive the phrase?

Even though you feel invisible now and have little contact IRL, you do still exist and are an important part of this World. I also know loneliness, even though I live with my daughter and grandson I can go weeks between adult conversations, and never have company that is here specifically to see me. Frankly, if it wasn't for PC and it's Sister Site up to a few weeks ago, I would have zero contact with the outside World.

So, do try to make the most of the opportunity your increased cashflow may present. Make yourself available to those in your life, even those who have fallen by the wayside due to your issues. Try to improve your life for all of us who are also stuck.



Dave.

No apologies necessary, Dave.

I hope that a rise in social activity will happen but, truthfully, I think the fist thing that has to happen is for me to get with a good therapist. I really need support right now. The past several years (7) have been SO BAD; I need real help climbing out of the abyss.

Money certainly helps; it's not easy to have a social life without it unless you're willing to just go on walks and hikes constantly, LOL.

Thank you for your kindness. Any small bit of kindness shown me breaks my heart nowadays.

http://www.wired.com/wp-content/uplo.../10/cathug.jpg

I hope the link works, I don't know how to import pictures.

the link worked - so cute!! thank you. I can't express how much I appreciate you!.

well, didn't hear from either of 2 companies I felt SURE I would this week.

Turns out my sense of self is much more tenuous than even I realized.

Now I'm convinced that I'm old, past-my-prime, useless, way overestimating my capabilities, going to end up taking some crap job with a scraping-by salary.

I am terrified and meanwhile I keep steadfastedly checking "no" on every application when it asks "Do you have a disability?"

(((((((((Lavendersage)))))))))) hugs on their way.

have you tried taking up a musical instrument...?

it helps me... i played the guitar for years but because of my avpd stuff i tend to do it alone... which is fine, its for me - ya know?
i started playing guitar when i was 4-5 years old.. i dont know many songs because my memory ... i keep forgetting them all.. but its really nice to be able to pick it up and play around with it if even just for a few minutes...

now days they have musical software for the computer so you dont even have to buy an instrument... can play around with musical sounds on the computer - thats what i have been doing mostly recently...

i read in previous post of yours that you said music makes you feel good...
so i was just wondering if maybe you would be interested in taking it up... your never too old to learn to play music - just for yourself - dont have to go on stage and impress the world or anything...

i use the software called Fruity Loops... its great... but there are more out there..
learning how to make it work can be challenging in the beginning so maybe there is a more simple software that you could get started with / just to play around with..


just wanted to say that - many hugs...

im no superstar myself and im not like the best musician in the world, but if you enjoy it then it doesnt matter how good you are..

thanks elevated - I appreciate your hugs and words. Unfortunately, I don't have the mental stability to try and learn an instrument right now.

One of the biggest loves in my life has always been (since I was 6yo), reading. These past 7-8 years I simply can't focus my brain for any length of time on it; I used to read a book a week. I haven't read a book in almost 8 years. If I cn't focus long enough to do something that for me was as natural and needed as breathing....learning an instrument is a non-starter.

I do love love love music though. And, thankfully, listening to it still brings me great joy.

Oh God. I realize popular vote has me as should be feeling happy excited but I have got to BE REAL here, if nowhere else.

My life has been a failure. I am a failure and I don't see what point there is in my doing much of anything. Doesn't mean I won't keep moving....I just can see absolutely no point in it.

I wanted to find a life partner. I've f'd up every relationship I've ever been in (not that any of them were keepers - but that just goes to show you how bad my judgment is, too.)

I wanted a closeness with my family. Nope. Not. Just one of the very large group of us - and it's an extended family member - not even from my primary, immediate.

I wish I were not alive anymore; I'm so tired of this BS life.

((((((((Lavendersage)))))))))

(((((((((( Lavendersage ))))))))))

Shopping on weekends is the PITS. So many people, stores are a mess, so noisy, so little room to maneuver around.

A woman in one store where I was shopping was walking around holding a wind chime. Just letting it jingle-jangle-chime the entire frigging time. For,like, at least TWENTY MINUTES. She never.stopped.walking. (consequently the chimes never.stopped.chiming). Who does that?? (I have misophonia.) I'm so proud I'm sitting here typing rather than waiting to be arraigned or post bail but holy hell.

Well done for being so restrained Lavendersage, sounded like torture!

I once went on a train journey during the Olympics from London to Penzance (over 5 hours) in a carriage full of children under 10 with vuvuzelas https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vuvuzela.

Just to sound like a huffy old fart but when I was a child travelling on long journeys we got sedated and locked in the toilet. JUST KIDDING.