for me but anybody is welcome :)

based on this post from Doc John:

To me, and in this context, it means you've tried multiple treatment options -- whether it be psychotherapy, meds, ECT, TMS, whatever -- over a period of years and despite your (and your professionals') best efforts and multiple tries on different treatments (whether it be with different therapists, therapies, meds, etc.), very little has touched your depression. You are still depressed. It doesn't seem to have responded much to anything.

That's my definition. I'm going to close this thread to encourage you all to start new threads here on the topics of the most interest to you...

Thanks!

Best,

DocJohn

and the fact that I've been dealing with depression for close to 30 years, I think this is the right place for me to post.

I can't say that I've tried everything out there - there's a LOT of stuff out there. But I have tried many meds and they either worked and pooped out, or "meh" worked, didn't work at all or had such nasty side effects that I gave up on them.

I remember that I did best for several months on Prozac, years and years ago. I remember feeling happy, focused, motivated, positive. Until it pooped out on me, that is. The couple of times since that I've tried to recapture that, it hasn't worked. Brand Adderall and one of the first generics of it (before they reformulated it & rendered it useless) did wonders for my energy level, ability to control my appetite, and to get & remain focused.

But that was a long time ago and now here I am and life isn't so great. I am tired. I am very, very tired of fighting this fight. But, I'm still fighting.

Never having had any psychological testing, I recently did. Diagnoses have come down.

The blue are what the tests determined.
The pink are what I feel are valid and should be present.

Major Depressive Disorder, recurrent, severe without psychotic features
Borderline
Obsessive-Compulsive (perfectionism and needing things to be "just so")
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
Dysthymic Disorder
Seasonal Affective Disorder
Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder
Body Dysmorphic Disorder (of a kind)
Misophonia (though it is NOT a mental health problem - but sure as heck affects it )

So, in blue, pink and black - finally - my boogie monsters all have been named. You're outed ya little shites. Now I'm comin' to get you.

The first half of my adulthood has pretty much been crap. I'm hoping to make the remaining half more tolerable. Forget "happy": I'm more than ok with getting to "contented". If I could achieve "peaceful" (beyond contented to my way of thinking); I'd take that over "happy" any day. Happiness as a sustained state is not realistic. You can have moments or periods of happiness but asking/wanting/expecting more is, IMO, a recipe for disappointment.

I may never meet and marry a beloved though it has long been my dearest wish. But, with every fiber of my being, I want to learn how to:

1) love myself
2) regulate my emotions
3) sleep without the aid of Xanax (ideally without the aid of anything - but at least not benzos!)
4) regain my focus, attention, M.O.T.I.V.A.T.I.O.N.

and, then, by the grace of whatever is divine, hopefully:

5) exercise regularly (to be FIT....though to look good would not be unwelcomed )
6) lose the weight that I've gained in the past 6 years (and if it's not ALL of the weight then a darn significant portion of it!)
7) keep on track with my personal paperwork, housecleaning, day-to-day life tasks, and work-related tasks/responsibilities

Then, if I'm fortunate enough,

8) (after learning HOW) to date and do so successfully

Ok. So I have my work cut out for me. But one thing the past 30 years has taught me is "I'm strong like bull". Even though there are days when I can barely comprehend putting one foot in front of the other I AM STILL HERE.

I've begun seeing a therapist who is certified in DBT. She's orienting me in to DBT. I'll hopefully be ready for group work in mid- to late-September.

The new psych doctor appointment is at the end of August. What the heck to try now consumes me.

I know this much, forget ANYTHING that:

1) makes me lose my hair
2) packs on weight
3) exacerbates my anxiety / insomnia
4) causes me to be "spaced out" "stupid" (past the initial titration to effective dosage level)
5) screws around with my hormonal levels (Lamictal, I am looking at you - though somebody told me it's possible to avoid hormonal feckwithery with it - but did not explain HOW. Anybody? Anybody?)

Initially I thought that attacking the mood/emotion lability would be the first, best course of action. But now I think I have to get the depression under control first and foremost. All of the stuff that I thought was ADHD (inattentive type) is likely my off-the-charts depression.

I love crazymeds.com for anything meds-related. The information on that site is ridiculously helpful. There are posters on there that know so much about psychotropic drugs, how they work, etc. that they sound like doctors. They throw around neurotransmitter function this, that, and the next thing like I can talk about....I don't know.... Italian food?

The psychologist that did my testing suggested Strattera and Wellbutrin. Wellbutrin with hesitation as I know he's hesitant to advise a stimulant for the inattention, lack of focus and motivation in order not to make my anxiety and insomnia worse. Besides, though Wellbutrin used to be the bomb for me, it hasn't done a damn thing for me for a couple of years now. I even went up and down on the dosage hoping to find the 'sweet spot"but to no avail. So - maybe Strattera?

But there's still the emotional/mood lability to contend with. I can't remember now but I think I was going to ask about Latuda. grrr. I hate when I can't remember stuff!!

As far as my insomnia, going without anything to get to sleep is not realistic to expect now and for some time (maybe never). I've read good things about low-dose Seroquel at night. Yes, it's got a wicked rep for putting weight on you but that's typically at higher doses. I believe I've seen Remeron mentioned for sleep on a few threads...I'll have to check in to that.

I started this thread mostly as a place for me to put my thoughts and feelings down. At the same time, anybody that cares to comment or make suggestions is more than welcome and I appreciate it very much. Especially if anybody has any meds suggestions.

Totally honest: I'm hoping that by posting on this sub-forum that I'll avoid the "Have you tried St. John's Wort?" "Melatonin?" "Yoga?" "Meditation?" whatnot. Not that any/all of these may not have their therapeutic benefit!! But, peeps, I am down (way, way down) in the trenches here.

I'm barely out of my 40's, menopausal, my body has gone from being a "hottie" (at 45!) to looking like hell; I'm now in terrible physical shape, some very major shite has gone down on a very traumatic, personal level for me in the past 6 years, my debt is sky-high, I got myself in to a relationship with yet another man that is not a good fit for me and I'm barely holding on.

I need more than "ohhhhmmm". I love yoga - I think it rocks. But I have to crawl before I can walk and - for ME - that sort of stuff is walking depression level fighting tactics.

I'm just not there.

YET.

I hope fuzzybear comes and gives me a hug. Regardless here's one for fuzzy and for you - US - all.


_________

I realise you're in the States and I'm in the UK, but have you ever read Steven Bazire? I'll post some links if you haven't. He's done a lot of work on the side effects of meds and psychopharmacology.

Thank you, lavendersage for this post. I could relate to so much of what you have written. And I appreciate your generosity and the effort you put in to writing it.

I have no sage advice, just and thanks. Depression is hell, and I will be following this thread.

Thanks for this wonderful post, lavendersage!

I can identify with so much of what you said. When I first came to the Psych Central forums in January of this year, the Treatment-Resistant Depression forum was the first place I looked. I had spent most of the previous year in bed at least 12 hours a day, if not 18 (not sleeping all the time, just basically living there.)

I'm doing quite a bit better now (relatively speaking,) thanks to 7.5 mg Remeron at bedtime for sleep and lots of psychotherapy. I gained 7 pounds from the Remeron, but my weight seems to have stabilized and the food cravings it was causing seem to be lessening.

Realizing that it was making me crave food seemed to help me to deal with that problem some. It does do that, though. I even really enjoy looking at photos of food now. It has definitely done something to my brain in that area. I seem to have more enjoyment of food in general, though, so if I keep healthy food around, I get excited about that, too.

I'm now a proponent of "FIX THE SLEEP FIRST". When my sleep got better, lots of other things started to look possible.

I'm working on things now like housekeeping, getting my finances and paperwork in order, eating a healthy diet (FIX THE FOOD) and am screwing up my courage to start an exercise program.

At the risk of doing one of those "have you tried?" things, have you tried bioidentical progesterone cream? I am nearing the end (I HOPE) of perimenopause and found that progesterone cream seemed to keep my mood more stable. That might mean steadily blah, but it helped to keep it from swinging around. I have mostly stopped using it during the past few months.

I have also been looking at my ADD type symptoms and also came to the conclusion that they were probably caused by depression. They get much better with SLEEP and FOOD and when my depression is better.

I am hoping to get back to the yoga and enjoying clothes and makeup and going to church, etc. eventually. Right now I'm at the "Look! I washed my dinner plate and fork." "I made a smoothie." "I showered five times this week." "I made my bed." stage and pleased to be there.

Little Cat - Thank you. I have not heard of Steven Bazire. I'd appreciate you putting up the links. I've lost half of the volume of my hair in the past 18 months so I'm hyper-sensitive to taking anything that will make it continue to thin. My hair has always been very fine but I used to have a ton of it. Now....no. I'm taking biotin supplements, Viviscal, and Super Collagen + C by Neocell. The biotin sure makes it grow longer faster but hasn't done anything to increase growth of new strands. I only began the other 2 things about a month ago so it's too soon to tell. However, this morning's shower had another big blob of hair at the drain. I read somewhere that initially taking Viviscal can make things worse before making things better. I just don't know....I'm so terrified to keep losing more hair. I'm beginning to reconsider women's Rogaine. But I heard that while it grows hair for sure, once you stop taking it, it all falls out again.

((Tea Biscuit)). I so love your username, btw. Tea + Biscuits: 2 of my favorite things! And sounds so British (another love of mine). I'm sorry that you can relate - nobody should have to go through this.

jo_thorne. You're welcome. I'm basically just blabbing away to myself here so I can get my thoughts off the rat-wheel inside my brain and out on to paper but if it helps you or anybody else, I'm glad. I was happy to see that you, in particular, read my post because I identified with one of your posts in the Attention Deficit forum so, so much.

I actually did try bio-identical progesterone cream and it was not a pretty picture. Holy buckets did it plunge me in to a very, very dark place. I became suicidally depressed and that was only after using it for barely 2 weeks! Now I take compounded progesterone in a pill form sublingually. I also take a compounded estrogen/estradiol/testosterone pill sublingually. Since I began taking these my (mild - thankfully) night sweats have disappeared as well as the hot flushes (I never got to a full-on dripping sweat "flash"). My libido is still pretty much DOA, however. But, let's be real, there are other factors at play here for me beyond tanked hormonal levels.

I can totally relate to being pleased about washing two kitchen utensils and a plate. In 2014 it was all I could do to get myself back and forth to my job every day. Everything else went to the dogs. There's probably a permanent indentation in the center cushion of my couch.

I'm doing better than that now, but so nowhere near where I want to get.

Hang in there!!!

Since I can forget something - literally - in seconds, I want to get this down now while I still "have it".

I noticed something the other day driving home after work while listening to the radio. If I'm not blindly angry or absolutely wracked with despair, in other words just feeling my regular day-to-day bag o'crap; music makes me feel better. Better as in approximating normal .

Granted, nothing revelatory about that. Yorkshire terriers are likely well-aware that music has a calming, healing, uplifting effect (unless it's Mahler who I hear tell was bipolar).

I just wish that the good feeling was sustainable. I wish I could....I don't know...get the music in to my brain...have it put in my bloodstream like an IV of super-duper strong antibiotics. I've been fantasizing about the feasability of surrounding myself, barricading myself with music on every side.

But I know that would come with drawbacks: me inside, music all around, and everybody else on the outside. Not really a good thing. Isolating. Ultimately too lonely to keep at it.

I can dream, though. And ever since that realization hit me, all I've wanted to do is live inside music that I love. I'm ok there...at least for a little while.

Here are the links about Steven Bazire. This is who he is
https://www.uea.ac.uk/pharmacy/people/profile/s-bazire
This is his main book
Home Page
And this is his website
Choose your Medication App

Basically, he works on the principle that every drug has side effects, every person is different and it's a journey to find the right thing that works. And it may not work forever, so to keep reviewing it. One of the things we use in the UK is his single sheet summary, which lists all the drugs for a particular condition, and then their side effects and contraindications. Then you can have a dialogue about the reality of that medicine in your life with your doctor. So if it makes you sleepy, but you work shifts, then what else is there?

I work in healthcare and have met him, and he's not only very clever, he's very passionate about getting the best treatment for an individual.

I hope the information helps!

((((((((( lavendersage )))))))))

Well, that made today start off really good. Thanks fuzzybear!!!!

My take on offering suggestions after reading threads in other forums: I welcome them so long as they're not delivered in an "ouchy ("tough love") fashion.

I figure, if someone's crawled to a computer keyboard and put the monumental energy in to putting their pain down on paper....unless they specifically say "I just wanted to vent - no advice, please"....I'm saying something if I feel like I have something helpful to offer.

Not to do so amounts, for me, to watching somebody drowning, going under for the 3rd time, and hesitating because you're not sure they want your help. Huh? They're a little busy freaking out and dying. An engraved invitation is quite likely not possible.

Besides, they can always ignore my advice and do something else, and/or (you hope not) just let themselves go under.

If somebody is in pain, I'm not just gonna stand there and ponder political correctness. It may only be a hug or a kind word, or an "I heard you" - or it may be a to-do list for them...but I'm going to try to help them.

I know not everybody has to want that but when I'm in the pit, I know I'd be so beyond grateful for someone extending themselves to me that it'd be unexpressable.

I realize that oftentimes a person WANTS to help but they can't figure out what to say. I'm not talking about those times, though. I'm talking about when someone has an idea(s) but holds back.

Sometimes the world we live in today makes absolutely no sense to me.

Well, calling the pdoc's office every weekday 2x/day for over a month asking for a cancellation opening finally paid off. I have an appointment at 9am tomorrow morning.

Here is hoping....

I really like this psych so far; he seems like he knows what he's doing.

He thinks it's priority 1 to get the depression under control and gave me a bunch samples of 5 & 10mg packets of Brintellix. He told me to see how I do in terms of with/out food re: potential nausea (common side effect). He also thinks (and I agree) that it's best to try one med at a time.

He's not very concerned about the use of Xanax for sleep. He said it's 117th on his list of priorities for me. Right now he said it's working and perhaps we'll work on it at some point but first he wants to work on the depression.

He also had me do a genetics test to evaluate medication sensitivities. He brought up doing it before I even had the chance to. I was so happy when he said that I could have kissed him on the mouth. Thank God: a doctor who's not stuck in the Dark Ages. I've half-expected some of the dunces I've seen in my past to come at me with leeches or want my mom's after-birth from delivering me so that they could "read it".

I took a 5mg of Brintellix at 10:45 (1 hour ago) on a semi-full stomach and so far feel nothing except a slight headache and cautiously hopeful.

We also spoke about ADHD testing and his thoughts about that. I'm going to post that part of our discussion on a thread in the ADHD section. I think Nike007 will find it of particular interest.

We shall see.

Well, you learn something new everyday. Already this morning I learned there is a difference between Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and Obsessive Compulsive PERSONALITY Disorder (OCPD). Having read about the differences a little, I think I've bingo'd on OC P D.

I'm going to go clean my house obsessively now and cry under the bed for the rest of the day. F this. I am so done. Nobody is ever going to want to be with a woman so totally messed up as me and I can't blame them.

laversage, you are one of the most eloquent writers I've seen in 25 years of message board time-wasting.

(I get a kick out of your location as well. Nice and quiet here on the dark side of the moon, don't you think?)

I think that's a compliment, right?

Dark Side of the Moon is nice and quiet, yes. Unfortunately it's also damn cold and very lonely. There are days I gaze at Earth, millions of miles away, and long to be amongst people there. Other days I never want to leave it.

Talked to my T about OCPD. She did an assessment and concluded I don't have it. She explained that on a spectrum continuum ranging from "normal" to "disorder", I present more in terms of it being a "style" I have of how I do certain things than a full-fledged disorder.

She also said that doesn't mean we can't still work on whatever troubling (to me) aspects of it that I would like to.

I can live with that.

I am an HSP and I am not sorry about that!

I don't know about "gifted" though, LOL. I wouldn't go that far. I'm very smart but I didn't skip grades or anything.

I found an interesting article about Highly Sensitive People:http://http://www.counselling-direct...onal-intensity

I've been told "you're so dramatic", "you're so intense" my whole life and about 10 years ago I finally decided, "Enough! This is the way that I AM. Deal with it or leave me alone!" Which is still how I feel just now I think the borderline traits (emotional dysregulation) have gotta go.

Interesting.

I read The Highly Sensitive Person about, oh, close to twenty years ago. I identified with it so much. It would be interesting to read it once again.

I'm afraid your link would not work for me, LS.

maybe this?

The wound of being ?too much? - Emotional intensity - Counselling Directory