Non functioning for 4 years

I have struggled with depression for 30 years. I have tried multiple drugs and have spent years in therapy. For many years, the combination of drugs and therapy kept me functioning (ie going to work, raising kids, somewhat participating in my marriage and limited social activities) with only periodic periods of severe episodes and significantly impaired function. However, beginning about 5 years ago now the meds just stopped working and within a few months I basically stopped functioning...more and more each week, month.. until about 3 years ago when I stopped doing really anything. Although I have tried a few medications during this time, the anhedonia I have felt has been so extreme that I think of myself like a zombie. I stopped seeking medical care because one my insurance changed and having to review 30 years of history with doctors is tiresome. They either are arrogant and don't listen or seem put off that I don't want to try what I know doesn't work or they hear certain terms and freak out and think that I am med seeking.. It just isn't worth the frustration and honestly the huge disappointment. I barely get out of bed to bathe let alone to get dressed, drive somewhere, wait, bare my soul and beg someone for help who doesn't want to or doesn't know how to help me. The problem is of course, Im living in groundhog day and I have been for years. I have no job, no friends, I maybe bathe once a week, I don't hardly get out of bed let alone out my front door. I do have a husband that I have a non relational relationship with not that this makes any sense and I still have a teenager at home which is really horrifying. Ive tried explaining things to them, particularly my husband but he is not interested in being supportive and its not my daughters place. So anyway, I do of course think of ending things every day. But Ive done that for most of my life on a regular basis. Its just that now my world has become so small that there is no distraction. Even alcohol doesn't help which is unfortunate and yes Im aware that it is not an effective treatment. Sometimes I just don't want to feel so trapped in my own head. Anyway, if anyone has anything to tell me. Im here.

I'm sorry that you have had such a tough time. I, too, have felt like giving up at times, fortunately meds are still working for the most part for me.

I know that you have tried many meds, however they are coming up with new ones all the time. Maybe you could try some of the new ones. Otherwise, I don't have a lot to offer in the way of suggestions but wanted you to know that someone can relate.

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Yours sounds like a very difficult place to be!
I have had a lot of problems with medication that has marginal or no effect and my Pdoc has said it will only have a certain amount of effect.
This is hard to take as I did once have lithium which helped significantly for over 20 years but no longer does anything.
I don't really have answers, keeping on forcing myself to do things is hard hard hard! So far I have been able to so am most likely better than I would have been staying in the four walls, which isn't saying much, but you are not me and it seems may have been fighting this intensity for longer so I cannot say what you should do.

I have great admiration for my friends who have had more severe problems for longer than me and are still alive. I suspect you come into that category too.

I salute you for still being here and somehow summoning the motivation to post here.
I don't know what else to say, so send what warmth and care I can.

Thanks for your kind words. Best regards to you as well.

Best regards to you.

"Breaking in" new doctors... ***shudder***

I wish I had something to share. I'm also non-functioning.

Oh my gosh, I totally hear you. That in which you just described was my summer. I went to a therapist, which I never do, who was recommended and had a sliding scale. I just knew I was in trouble, because, like you I hate to leave my house let alone drive. It got me out of my head, and also reassured me that I am an important person with valid emotions. It was a great source of comfort. Not many people can understand this affliction and it is not their fault, just not in their wiring. Believe me, I have handed books out.

Hmm at first I wondered if you were me. But I have had this too, for the past five or six years. It all starts to blend into one. I was attractive and had a life. Now I am nothing with no hope, rarely do I even exist or leave the house. It is a living hell. And yes, no one can understand this. I am here with you, know that much.

I relate SO much to this! I have had bouts of independence, but at 26 I quit my job and have been living in limbo since. The upside to all of this is, You are 26! This may seem old to you but I don't think so. at 26 I tried Alcohol as a last resort, and it actually worked, well with my lowered inhibitions left me with a lot of regrets and memories I don't wish to remember so, no, I don't drink anymore. I grew up devout to medication, I know now that there are other options, but medication can be a good first step. As my boyfriend said to me last night "You are living in a prison cell that you don't want to leave, because you feel safe there" Its time to burst that bubble.

oh darn, why did I think you were 26? the posts! aha I apologize

I hear you. 5+ years of this. Ugh. Currently on a cocktail of 5 meds (yes, 5) and still am only showering once a week or so. I have been brushing my teeth, but only because I had a huge dental bill. Hubby takes care of finances, kids are out of the house.

Well at first I thought you were me until you got to the part about kids -- you see, I too have had depression for at least 20 or more years, and i hear you re the misery. It is cancer. Worse, it is cancer that no one sees or understands or even seems to care about fixing or helping with -- so know that I am so sorry you have to go through this and while some might not appreciate it there are many of us here that do. The lack of support is what I am hearing esp., but then, I too have this issue. Most people either don't understand or grasp the concept of a brain illness, or they are not real friends when times get tough, or they are incapable, or whatever reason -- it's a fact that depressed people are often MORE depressed because of lack of support. I would like to extend my hand to you to be someone you can call upon or talk to at ANY time -- not sure how to give you an email on a site like this, but I just hate to hear that someone feels as CRAPPY as I do on a daily basis. And yes, I too know the struggle of finding a good doc or med (still looking here in Virginia!(

I have had treatment resistant depression for 16 years. I am 30 years old. I've tried dozens of medications, and none could get the wishes for death out of my head. Then I tried a new med about a month ago: Adderall. This has been the most amazing month I've ever had. The depression has lifted, and I feel like a normal person! My T says the difference is night and day! If you haven't tried it, it might be worthwhile to test it out. I take 15 mg XR. Best wishes...

yes I have long suspected adderall would help, and i pay a very pretty penny for health insurance and for my shrink, but he is very against stimulants. I think it's because I was an overeater and still am at times? Not sure but it seems it would help, not hurt someone who (a) has overeating issues and (b) cannot get out of bed most days. In fact it's prescribed at times for overeating, so I am kind of annoyed and if I ever get up the nerve will find a new shrink....but when you're depressed it's hard enough to even get out of bed to get to the shrink's office. I am so sad right now I really want to end it .

You've gotta get to a more accepting pDoc. Anything I can do to help? Yes, it's helped my overeating and I've even lost 15 pounds. My goal is to no longer be obese. I had just switched pDocs. You have to try it. It's been miraculous for me.

These are the meds I had tried before it:
Paroxetine
Fluoxetine
Fluvoxamine
Escitalopram
Citalopram
Sertraline
Vortioxetine
Vilazodone
Aripiprazole
Buspirone
Trazodone
Asenapine
Lamotrigine
Quetiapine
Chlorpromazine
L-methylfolate
Alprazolam
Diazepam
Clonazepam

Hi everyone, I'm Scott I've been dealing with my depression for 22 years. I can relate to all of you. I live in a prison, I get up try to do somethings but I don't do much at all. Somedays I shower and that's it. Lately I've been taking 5 -6 klonopin throught the day, not at once, just to go to sleep. When I'm asleep I don't feel the pain. I've been on disability for this for 22 years. I'm home alone all day and many days I feel like I'm going to loose it. Been through many shrinks and most of them don't get it or tell me they don't know what to do for me. I think about ended it everyday but I don't because I have 3 young kids and don't want to hurt them. I don't know I'm rambling, I dream that one day I'll get better but I don't think they day will ever come. Well try to have an ok day, take care.

I've had TRD for 22 years and when I take Adderal it's the only thing that allows me to have a some what productive day and my depression lifts. The hard part is find a Dr. to understand that and prescribe it. Vyvanse also helps. Good Luck!!