...*sigh*...

It doesn't seem to matter if I do everything "right". I exercise, I eat healthy foods, I've a lean body mass, I meditate, I go to therapy, I take meds, I take vitamins and Omega 3s, I work towards small, "obtainable" goals (which keep getting smaller and harder atm), I do my best to get out of the house and keep in touch with people, but everything is getting harder again. Sometimes impossible. Meds suck. I'm starting to resent them because all I seem to get are "side effects". Which can be from "mildly annoying" to "get me out of here".

It's happening again. Yet another episode. How many more years must this take, or is this just how it is now? Tired of this crap.

I know. I know. I'm sorry.

Keep posting. You're NOT alone.

I don't care if all you do is type "no" over and over and over - please keep talking to us.

Hello Rand: Yes, it does get old after a while. Sometimes I think to myself: "I just can't stand this another minute!" This has led me to some very dark places in the past. I'm not on med's anymore. They never did much good & I just can't afford them anymore. The thing I have going for me is that I'm old. I don't have a life anymore, but it's okay. No one expects me to.

From what you wrote, it sounds like you're doing just about everything you could possibly do & more. I hope that you will be able to find a pathway to healing.

I was totally sideblinded by my most recent episode of major depression. I thought I had built up my immunity well enough years ago, but apparently it was lying dormant all along, like a virus, just waiting for the right time to pop out. A few unfortunate events and boom! Back from the dead.

It's had its way with me for much longer in this incarnation than I prefer to admit (years though). But I can't say I believe it's without good reason. It's forced me to be more humble and compassionate towards myself, which I may have really needed, and while I wasn't a real jerk before I believe it's made me a better person by likewise becoming more genuinely compassionate towards others. I know there's many who would disagree with me about this, but I think there's a wisdom to these things. A light we're meant to find in the darkness, darkness which is there so that we can. It's been harder each time, for me as well.. but that much more meaningful to do so.

Funnily enough, people I really admire I'll often find out struggle with depression. Rachel Maddow.. the late Robin Williams.. I think it's an affliction that is mostly encountered by people of great depth, that take things so to heart.

I always like your posts.

Hi Rand,

All I can offer is that you say you have recurring episodes. Therefore, I assume, you have periods of elevated Mood? At least by following your regimen of doing everything right you stand a greater chance of cutting the duration of this current episode and returning to a balance where everything is easier.

I know things become increasingly difficult, plans become harder to follow, personal care suffers, but you truly seem to have a handle on that aspect of your life. Be proud of that and use it to your advantage.

Dave.

It might be that your meds are causing a lot of problems for you. Unfortunately, it can be difficult to get off them. Even though you sound like you're doing great physically, it's easy to have a hidden infection or a gut microbiome problem or inflammation or heavy metal toxicity,... without knowing it. There is a list and a reference for things to check here

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

About meditation, I don't do that myself, but I have noticed a few people here getting a huge benefit from it. They also say, though, that you have to keep at it seriously for a while before anything happens.

- vital