Endogenous Depression- Malignant Melancholia

Someone recently started a thread, "What is severe depression?" I couldn't bring myself to even reply. I was simply too tired, too depressed to formulate the words to describe how severe, severe depression can be.

I wanted to keep it a secret. No one else needs to know how brutal and unmerciful this disease can be. I should just keep my mouth shut. Besides, no one really understands anyhow. What's the point?

Another year of well meaning professionals poking, prodding, lecturing and arguing that "all depression is treatable?" Another debate with Psychiatrists that being "hopeless" is a REALITY and should not be part of a diagnosis of "delusional" for people suffering Endogenous Depression.

Endogenous Depression is a biological condition. It has nothing to do with any situation or problem in life. It's not because you have a problem coping or a bad attitude. My brain is broken. The "reward " center in my brain doesn't work. It's dead.

For 7 straight years all I have done is research every medical journal, every clinical trial, every anecdotal story of treatment for Endogenous Depression with Melancholy. I can't work, don't sleep and have subjected myself to every possible insult a body and mind can endure AND...it just keeps getting worse.

This past year:
January- February 35 (one-hour) treatments of rTMS, Reiki Therapy
Neurologist- Lumbar Puncture analysis due to Parkinsonism Syndrome due to bad reaction from Abilify-
March- April. ECT Treatments
April- June Detox off all psych meds due to preparation for Ketamine, Severe Benzo withdrawl
July- Ketamine Infusions (awful side-effects for 3-days, no help)
May-present- Hospital based, Intensive Outpatient Program (DBT)
Aug- Oct- Integrative Physician Assessment and treatments- Attend Native-American Sweat Lodges
Oct- Quantium Medicine Treatments- HA! Interesting!
Dec- Discontinue all remaining meds... Welbutrin, Serzone
Nov- present- Naturopath, tons of supplements, Acupuncture (good stuff)
December- DNA analysis, methyl-folate, heavy metal detox, saliva cortisol, more supplements, more lab analysis, MORE depression, MORE Hopelessness
Finally sleeping with Remeron YEAH!!!
January- Neurologist eval- on my hands and knees begging for an MAOI (Nardil) 24/7 Sui thinking- I am to call back next week...
In two-days... Meeting with Neurologist to do Dense Array Neurofeedback- my last hope...

WOW I'm tired... Grateful I've been in a financial position to try all these therapies but NOTHING has helped at all. And yes...my spiritual self is nurtured daily as well-
Did I miss anything? Can't take much more...

Oh, almost forgot...YES...I've done the exercise and health thing too. Inpatient programs at two world-renowned health centers. Exercised SO much I ended up with osteoporosis in my hips and a jaw bone that disintegrates in pieces and comes through my palate. Oh, and the depression caused "pseudo-Cushings" Disease. My body has experienced so much stress it thinks I have a pituitary tumor... Damn, depression is a formidable foe.

Sorry You're Having To Go Through All That! ...

I Do Admire Your Strength & Fortitude Though!

I agree you are strong to go through all that. I'm sorry that you have like so many others have had to suffer depression. I understand, my brain is broken too. I've been fighting it since 1984. I hope one day they will find a cure.

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I read your post with interest. I'm also very sorry that you have this particular affliction. I don't think you need worry about explaining depression to anyone. I don't think it's possible. When I'm not in a depressed state depression is just an abstract concept... it isn't something that someone who isn't depressed could ever truly comprehend. It's kind of like acute physical pain... you know it's bad but unless you actually feel acute pain you don't really get it. If you did... you'd be in acute pain.
Anyway... I can relate on some level. I first felt depression at about the age of three, but I don't think mine is biological. It may seem egotistical but I think I just see the world more clearly or in a bigger picture... and humanity just doesn't meet my hopes and expectations.
I would not even presume to know how to offer you support or comfort

Cloudy,

Your perseverence to achieve elevation in your base state is remarkable. I could never have put myself through all that in a year, even when I was physically well. I suppose after a lifetime all I ask is for my ADs to keep me from spiralling down, even though I have just suffered that.

For your wellbeing, I hope you eventually find a treatment that works over a prolonged period of time.

Dave.

Hello there and many thanks for taking the time and trouble to explain how this extreme type of severe depression effects you.
I certainly do ''get'' what you mean regarding to this type of depression as NOT from a situation or circumstance ~~ truly coming from within with no real apparent cause. I too have experienced both ''reactive'' depression, due to circumstances, and the type you describe as coming from within. I really admire you greatly for continuing to push forward to find some relief, if not cure. There honestly can't be anything left that you haven't tried.
I just pray that in the near future you may find something that helps afford some relief, even if not a ''cure''.
No body deserves to go through the awful hell that you obviously have, and do.
Hugs. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Cloudy - How did it go with the neurologist regarding the Dense Array Neurofeedback? I've never heard of it . . . I must google.

The Dense Array EEG gives an impressive view of the brains function. I won't get the actual results until mid- February but I was told my brain was "very sleepy" with low amplitude (which is consistent with depression.) I'm also scheduled for a sleep study.

The big deal for me was finding a world-renowned Neurologist with psychiatry residency experience who is a true scientist determined to help me feel better. One bonus of living in Hawaii is the number of retired military physicians with an incredible wealth of experience... First time I've had even a glimpse of hope in years.

Cloudy,

I am pleased you have been given a glimpse of hope. Let us all hope that feeling bears fruit for you.

Dave.

This is great! But, does this mean we can now call you "Sleepy Head?" ;P

I can't say that I would be opposed to a pilgrimage to Hawaii if that's what it takes . . .

Please keep us posted?

Op I agree, having never suffered any trauma or any cause at all that I can think of, I have concluded that it is biological or endogenous (not defining exactly what that means here, now). However, I have not had to endure the medical circus you describe. I guess that makes me one of the lucky, unlucky ones?

Have you considered going to the amen clinic and doing a scan of your brain? I've been there myself and they are very good. Also, have you been tested for food sensitivities, transmitter turnover, and amino acid deficiencies? Genova diagnostics does a test called the triad profile. I've also done this and the results have helped me.

I have treatment resistant depression also and according to my scans my anterior cingulate gyrus and pre frontal cortex are under active. The medications that are supposed to work in that area (SNRI, stimulants) do nothing for me. I believe it is low neurotransmitter levels in the brain as my turnover ratio tested very low for serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine.

Aloha Dave!

Great suggestions! Last week I received the results from a Dense Array Brain Scan which is like an EEG on steroids. Normal EEG's have about 9 views, this new Dense Array has 128 leads. I was lucky to find a Neurologist who has spent his life doing brain research. He showed me the photos of my brain and said I had suffered two "massive" brain injuries. He asked me what happened. I had to explain that when I was in my teens and using drugs I was beaten to a pulp on numerous occasions. I think I was hit with a baseball bat but don't remember. It's was stunning the amount of damage and you could see on the scan how the brain was working very hard around the damaged area to compensate.

Fast forward- I found a new psychiatrist last month who was willing to prescribe Nardil (an old MAOI) and IT WORKED! My depression is GONE!

You are very correct that many meds and other therapies don't work on brain damaged people. I'm just so grateful I found something that works!

Take care and thanks again for your comments!

Hi Cloudy.
I can relate to the Ect. Horrible brain fry. Can't even remember some of my friends or how I met them.
Lucky I don't have a tremor or any real debilitating side effect.

Hurry and find hope and answers for us all.
Ps I do feel better in Costa Rica always sunny. So Cal is nice, but we have June gloom.
Been to Hawaii twice and loved it. Swam everyday.