[lavendersage]

I am tired of having to pretend that life's a frickin bowl of cherries because YOU (my family) are too "uncomfortable" with mental illness to even try to relate to what I'm going through.

I am tired of having to act like the things that you (family) say, right in front of me, don't cut me like knives, don't terrorize and stress me out to almost the breaking point.

I am tired of being on the receiving end of so much mean-ness. I would NEVER treat another human being the way that you (family) OFTEN do me. Especially family!!! I'm simply not built that way.

I am tired of hanging on to the perception that we (family) is a happy, unified, unit. I've let that one go. THUD. That's dropped, dead, to the ground.

I am so TIRED of all this CRAP. I didn't do anything to deserve your (family) treatment of me in this way. I try to help, not to impose. My very existence has always seemed to be some sort of inconvenience to you. For Gods' sakes: I did not ASK to be born! And, in terms of my mental health issues - hey! guess what? - I hate it, too!

I just am so done with all this crap. I wish we could curse on here. This post would have a blue haze over it I am......primal.....in my emotional pain and utter frustration of this screwed-up, life-long situation.

[CANDC]

Hi lavendersage. I like your name.

I am tired and am trying and finding ways of going outside comfort zone of parents. In fact by not hoping they will change, it is easier for me to live my life without that stress.

I try not to show my hurt in front of my family and protect myself from the toxic things they can say. If I have to be with them, the bathroom is a place of safe retreat.

I am tired of meanness too. Interesting when I start finding people that need help that they really appreciate me as a person.

The family is not as big as my online family. By not expecting family to be anything it is easier to just accept them even if I have to be careful and do self help to keep myself balanced.

I don't know how we got here, but it seems the more I try to find out what I am here to do, the more satisfied I am.

I have tried many things, but being nice to myself has helped a lot to building self esteem.
Building Self-Esteem | Psych Central

[spring2014]

Originally Posted by lavendersage

I am tired of having to pretend that life's a frickin bowl of cherries because YOU (my family) are too "uncomfortable" with mental illness to even try to relate to what I'm going through.

I am tired of having to act like the things that you (family) say, right in front of me, don't cut me like knives, don't terrorize and stress me out to almost the breaking point.

I am tired of being on the receiving end of so much mean-ness. I would NEVER treat another human being the way that you (family) OFTEN do me. Especially family!!! I'm simply not built that way.

I am tired of hanging on to the perception that we (family) is a happy, unified, unit. I've let that one go. THUD. That's dropped, dead, to the ground.

I am so TIRED of all this CRAP. I didn't do anything to deserve your (family) treatment of me in this way. I try to help, not to impose. My very existence has always seemed to be some sort of inconvenience to you. For Gods' sakes: I did not ASK to be born! And, in terms of my mental health issues - hey! guess what? - I hate it, too!

I just am so done with all this crap. I wish we could curse on here. This post would have a blue haze over it I am......primal.....in my emotional pain and utter frustration of this screwed-up, life-long situation.

hi lavendersage ,
I hear you !!!!! im tired of my *****y and a **** of a sister holding up my money cuz she wants to know what my therapist and my psychiatrist are talking about in my sessions with them . it is none of her stinking business . so that she can declare me mentally incompetent of my money. ********!!!!!!






Diagnosis: Anxiety and depression
meds: Cymbalta 60 mgs at night
Vistrail 2 25 mgs daily for anxiety prn
50 mgs at night for insomnia with an additional 25 mgs=75 mgs when up past 1:00 in the morning

Hey Sorry things are so bleak. Is there anything you can do to remedy the situation? Are you old enough to leave and financially capable of living on your own?

It sucks extra bad when our families are unsupportive.

Quite often our families are the direct cause of our MH Issues.

I had to walk away and leave mine behind in order to start healing.

It isn't an easy thing to do, but sometimes it's the best thing we can do for ourselves.



Wishing you the best in finding support, healing well & recovering your authenticity!

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

[marmaduke]

Pfrog
To walk away is hard and scary, but the only thing to do (if at all possible)
To stay entrapped in a toxic family is to live with poison and then wonder why you don't get better.

So many folks seem to 'love' their abusers. Trauma bonding l suppose. I faking hate mine. The b###ards.
Well done for escaping.

Lavender l feel for you. You sound like a kind lovely person. You deserve good things. Is there any way you could leave this house?
You sound like the normal person in your family it's the others who ain't right!

They sound possibly NPD.

'Narcissisum. One of the few conditions where the patients are left alone and everyone else gets treated.'

Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

[Scotzmen89]

Hi Lavender I'm sorry for your situation. I totally can relate, I always have to pretend around family. Everyone knows my situation but never asks me a simple "How are you doing". I have family members that just out right don't understand at all. My Dad told me I don't follow my Dr's treatments. I've tried everything, ECT 5 times, every med out there. Last year I put out $2000.00 to try Ketamine Infusions in NY, I have a Vagus Nerve Stimulator currently on, years of talk therapy. I've realized some of them will never get it but I don't know the secret to not letting it hurt. I understand though and I know the suffering you go through with the depression. I have to say your line about "I didn't ask to be born" I tell people all the time. Hang in there and feel free to write back, I hope you have any easier day today, take care.

[EnglishDave]

Hi Lavendersage,

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Families can be, by far, the most damaging of entities for those of us with these issues. Personally, my past is complex, my present has me a physical and mental burden (in their eyes) and a financial convenience.

Do turn outward for the support you are not getting there.

Dave.

[lavendersage]

Originally Posted by George H.

Hey Sorry things are so bleak. Is there anything you can do to remedy the situation? Are you old enough to leave and financially capable of living on your own?

Thanks. I am old enough to leave but, unfortunately, not financially able to move out on my own right now.

And here's the kicker: my sibling I.N.V.I.T.E.D. me to live here until I got back on my feet. I did not coerce, wheedle, nothing of the sort: they offered this to me of their own volition and, naively, I thought that they truly meant it.

The only reason I'm actually here, I now realize is that one of their children is living in the home of another of their children and they don't want the one child to ask the other child to leave so they feel obligated to "lead by example". In actual fact they do not want me here (even though THEY INVITED ME).

I'm now being made to "pay" for them being in a situation of their own making.

[lavendersage]

Originally Posted by marmaduke

Pfrog
To walk away is hard and scary, but the only thing to do (if at all possible)
To stay entrapped in a toxic family is to live with poison and then wonder why you don't get better.

So many folks seem to 'love' their abusers. Trauma bonding l suppose. I faking hate mine. The b###ards.
Well done for escaping.

Lavender l feel for you. You sound like a kind lovely person. You deserve good things. Is there any way you could leave this house?
You sound like the normal person in your family it's the others who ain't right!

They sound possibly NPD.

'Narcissisum. One of the few conditions where the patients are left alone and everyone else gets treated.'

Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

Thanks, Marmaduke. I do what I can. I try my hardest.

I've always been the "odd man out" in my family. They say every family ascribes "roles" to it's members. I've always been the scapegoat. The interloper.

I don't know whether my sibling has NPD. I do know that they rule this large family - everyone listens to anything that they have to say and buys it hook, line, and sinker. And that they are NEVER, EVER partly/wholly responsible for anything that ever occurs in their lives. They are ALWAYS "the victim". It is always, always, always, somebody else's fault other than themselves.

[lavendersage]

Originally Posted by Scotzmen89

Hi Lavender I'm sorry for your situation. I totally can relate, I always have to pretend around family. Everyone knows my situation but never asks me a simple "How are you doing". I have family members that just out right don't understand at all. My Dad told me I don't follow my Dr's treatments. I've tried everything, ECT 5 times, every med out there. Last year I put out $2000.00 to try Ketamine Infusions in NY, I have a Vagus Nerve Stimulator currently on, years of talk therapy. I've realized some of them will never get it but I don't know the secret to not letting it hurt. I understand though and I know the suffering you go through with the depression. I have to say your line about "I didn't ask to be born" I tell people all the time. Hang in there and feel free to write back, I hope you have any easier day today, take care.

thanks, Scot. I am not doing better. In fact, I know I've begun that slippery slope back down to the abyss again and it's been getting Crisco applied to it with each passing day.

I was only inpatient once (depression to the point of utter and total S ideation) and right after I went through IOP. One of the things we learned about in IOP was to become aware of the signs that you are starting to downward spiral. You're supposed to find someone that can be your "go-to" person; someone that you can trust and will keep an eye on you. I know what most of my "indicators" are. They've been showing up, steadily, for the past couple of weeks. I think just about all are now "present and accounted for". I am terrified. I have to keep it together to be able to keep going to my job and hey - no pressure here - to get another, higher-paying one.

How would anyone in a depressive episode like to go out job interviewing? You feel like absolute shight and yet you have to sell yourself to a potential new employer like you're the best thing since sliced bread, totally together, got it all going on.

And your home life is absolute hell offering no succor, no support, no stability. In fact, it is often openly passive aggressively hostile. AND YOU WERE INVITED TO BE HERE.

[vonmoxie]

(((lavendersage)))

Why keep doing it then? By which I mean, pretending this or that for their supposed benefit..? My way of dealing with my family around these issues is not to overtly burden them with unsolicited explanations of my troubles BUT to be honest when they specifically ask. Those who are freaked out don't ask; the few who can handle the topic do. But you're right, pretending is exhausting.

What will happen if you don't do the pretending? Maybe or maybe not there is some world of possibility available to you through considering that question. Maybe some of the possibilities have the potential to be less emotionally exhausting, more validating for you.

I was thinking about your post just now as my television is blaring at me loud commercials that suggest we all have money to spend on more things for ourselves, and that we all are in a jovial, manic mood about doing so, and it occurs to me that this personality of pretending that everything is great is one that is imposed upon us by the commercial world in which we live..

Which I bring up because maybe thinking of it not as your family's individual hang-ups (though I recognize they own their own variety), but as this manic personality imposed on us by consumerist society, would make it easier for you to reject it? To smile knowingly and even understandingly (to the degree that is manageable) at your family about the plight they are caught up in, even as you are doing your best not to be?

If any of these ideas/suggestions grate on your nerves I humbly apologize, but I know the perils of being wound up in family dysfunction and want only to help however I might. If I'm totally missing the mark in some regard please forgive me.

Of one thing I'm certain, and that's that in the end you will be victorious, will emerge from this moment in time with your soul intact, and that is no small truth.

xx von

[lavendersage]

I appreciate your support but while I'm living in their home, it will make it easier on everyone (me included) if I pretend. Once I'm not there, it's a different story. In that case I'll probably still pretend but it will be from a distance.

[marmaduke]

Lavender.
Pretending is the best way while you live with them.
To rebel, argue, fight is too exhausting and upsetting.
Agree, comply and plot your escape!

Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

[jrae]

Originally Posted by lavendersage

I appreciate your support but while I'm living in their home, it will make it easier on everyone (me included) if I pretend. Once I'm not there, it's a different story. In that case I'll probably still pretend but it will be from a distance.

I'm so sorry that this is going on! please believe me that I know what you are going thru. family sucks when a person has a MI and no one understands (or even makes it worse). I went thru the same sh** with mine. I even had to move back in with my parents for a few years. that was a new level of he** that no one with an MI should have to go thru!

I hid my MI from everyone for as long as I could. then when I couldn't anymore (partly due to car accident injuries), I think it really shocked them. but I still 'pretend' around them all the time.

the first time I told my family I couldn't do something (was while I still lived with my rents and it was a family xmas I missed), it was almost the hardest thing I've ever done. but maybe for the first time they got a 'glimpse' at the he** I go thru.

now I just keep it all to myself. they won't be able to understand, and it just hurts me more each time I tried to explain it to them. so I stopped - had to protect myself. that did NOT sit well with them, but I had to for me. I still struggle with that, not falling victim to their questions and ambushes and toxic-ness.

I'm like the black-black-sheep in my family. I have my two parents, three siblings, two are married and the third will be this summer, and three nephews/nieces. and even my aunt is shocked and surprised at how poorly they all treat me. I don't even talk to my one BIL - don't want to cuz of his actions. I wouldn't even talk to or visit two of my siblings if they didn't have kids!

it all sucks. the he** we go thru makes us almost unrelateable. (like a leper or something) and I've been dealing with this over half my life.

and so... if you live in the usa, there are state and government programs that can help you. hang in there though, I know it's tough!

[lavendersage]

Originally Posted by jrae

I'm so sorry that this is going on! please believe me that I know what you are going thru. family sucks when a person has a MI and no one understands (or even makes it worse). I went thru the same sh** with mine. I even had to move back in with my parents for a few years. that was a new level of he** that no one with an MI should have to go thru!

I hid my MI from everyone for as long as I could. then when I couldn't anymore (partly due to car accident injuries), I think it really shocked them. but I still 'pretend' around them all the time.

the first time I told my family I couldn't do something (was while I still lived with my rents and it was a family xmas I missed), it was almost the hardest thing I've ever done. but maybe for the first time they got a 'glimpse' at the he** I go thru.

now I just keep it all to myself. they won't be able to understand, and it just hurts me more each time I tried to explain it to them. so I stopped - had to protect myself. that did NOT sit well with them, but I had to for me. I still struggle with that, not falling victim to their questions and ambushes and toxic-ness.

I'm like the black-black-sheep in my family. I have my two parents, three siblings, two are married and the third will be this summer, and three nephews/nieces. and even my aunt is shocked and surprised at how poorly they all treat me. I don't even talk to my one BIL - don't want to cuz of his actions. I wouldn't even talk to or visit two of my siblings if they didn't have kids!

it all sucks. the he** we go thru makes us almost unrelateable. (like a leper or something) and I've been dealing with this over half my life.

and so... if you live in the usa, there are state and government programs that can help you. hang in there though, I know it's tough!

thanks for your thoughts

However, the pretending that I referred to was along the lines of me giving a ***** about them, not about my MI.

Originally Posted by lavendersage

I am tired of having to pretend that life's a frickin bowl of cherries because YOU (my family) are too "uncomfortable" with mental illness to even try to relate to what I'm going through.

I am tired of having to act like the things that you (family) say, right in front of me, don't cut me like knives, don't terrorize and stress me out to almost the breaking point.

I am tired of being on the receiving end of so much mean-ness. I would NEVER treat another human being the way that you (family) OFTEN do me. Especially family!!! I'm simply not built that way.

I am tired of hanging on to the perception that we (family) is a happy, unified, unit. I've let that one go. THUD. That's dropped, dead, to the ground.

I am so TIRED of all this CRAP. I didn't do anything to deserve your (family) treatment of me in this way. I try to help, not to impose. My very existence has always seemed to be some sort of inconvenience to you. For Gods' sakes: I did not ASK to be born! And, in terms of my mental health issues - hey! guess what? - I hate it, too!

I just am so done with all this crap. I wish we could curse on here. This post would have a blue haze over it I am......primal.....in my emotional pain and utter frustration of this screwed-up, life-long situation.

Spot on. I've been treated by family as though every utterance and act is done to intentionally hurt them. I'm sick of the memories that haunt me and the accusations. I've been called a murderer, pervert, liar and lacking love. Even my father wanted to put me through a brick wall. My father blamed me for my mother's ailments. I'm sick of those memories returning every day. I'm sick of the disdain my sister shows me. I'm sick of therapists who think because I'm 'intelligent' I should get over it. People tell me they care by telling me my faults. Enough already, I'm a rotten to the core SOB and deserve to burn in hell. I'm sick of it. If I didn't fear God I would have ended it years ago.