you aren't ever going away, are you, demons?

Hello. I was intensely miserable yesterday. Little things drove me insane. What feels like a hole in my head and chest almost always present except for those rare happy minutes and the numb moments. I've tried to do the things that made me happy but it's just such subtle stuff sometimes that affect my mood that I either forget it or trying to cope doesn't significantly help. Or trying to cope gets boring and maybe I'd rather just rage? No... but the emotions are so intense that controlling it is harder than acting it out at times. Maybe I need to find better ways to act it out but those things don't feel right yet...
Or I put my all in to improving myself and it still doesn't help. I guess it's my learned helplessness keeping me depressed too, there's other stuff but I don't really wanna write it down.

Anyway so what do you guys with treatment resistant depression do that helps?
Is the right combination of medication the answer? kinda rambled about bpd but this is what I want to know. I know that participating on the forums helps but I've been keeping to myself. Maybe my demons don't want to be abandoned and that's why it's not getting better. This post is also not very well written. Sorry about that.

(demons=metaphor. I do not believe they are really demons.)

Yes. Meds can change depression. But you may have side effects.
Have you tried TCM- acupuncture, herbs, diet change?

A little bit but things are still the same.

Hello, LittleEarthquakes. I'm sorry it is so difficult for you right now.
The following help me; they have not cured.

• It may seem counterintuitive, but I do not try to be happy. If fleeting moments of happiness come, I'm grateful and hold no expectations.
• I try to maintain what routines I can - daily schedules, my few activities, etc.
• I take my meds as prescribed. Antianxiety meds are more useful to me than antidepressants.
• I try to keep track of what's going on with my mood, health, etc. I thus have some idea of my personal patterns and know what is likely to provoke the worst times and how long they are likely to last.
• Sleep! I find sleep is exceptionally important. I try to guard my bedtime and associated pre-sleep "rituals."

Strength to you, LittleEarthquakes. May you find what helps you.

Yes I find all of that stuff helpful too but I guess it's just not enough. I feel like I need more but I don't know what.

I get what you're saying, I feel much the same myself. For me my psychiatrist said medication will only make a small difference which sucks big time!

The only way I keep going is to structure my days to keep me out of mischief. Recently I seem to have gathered a few people who seem to rely on me being around.

I HATE being this way, but when I get a better 5 minutes (or even a day) I try to grab it with both hands and get the most I can from it. Its such a nice feeling to be able to smile which I was able to do once yesterday.

I can't work any more, but I volunteer 1hour a week (doing something useful is important to me) and that is an oasis I try to milk for all the positivity I can get from it all week. For some of that hour I'm so focused on the person I'm supporting that I can forget (or almost forget) the fog in my head and the hole in my heart.

I don't know what else to say, I really hope there is more for you than you experience now.

Sending warm, encouraging thoughts and wishes.
☀️

Yep. It really is nice when we're able to smile and it's real, Fizzyo. Thank you for your post

Has anyone tried Empower plus?

I haven't but a friend recommended it. However, she doesn't have personal experience with it. I suspect it wouldn't hurt but I don't know if it is all it is claimed to be. Certainly having the right nutrients will be helpful.