I’ve had depression my whole life and am not getting better

This is my first post on this site. I’m desperate. I’m a 29 year old woman and I’ve beeb suffering from debilitating depression and anxiety since I as 8 years old. I hid my illness from my family until I was in high school and I started seeing a therapist in college. I want so badly to get better and I just am not.

I don’t even know where to begin with my story. I thought if I worked hard it would mean things would work out but they haven’t. I won’t get into my childhood except I was riddled with depression and anxiety and was bullied by my peers up through high school. I got good grades in school and put on a faceso no one knew how bad I was suffering.

I went to college for graphic design because my dream my whole life was to work in fashion magazines. I dreamt of proving wrong my peers who told me I’d never amount to anything. (Ugh now I’m starting to cry) I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease the summer before freshman year of college and was put on prednisone. I wasn’t getting treatment for my anxiety and depression at the time and I didn’t know prednisone could make anxiety worse. I had panic attacks over my assignments and felt I couldn’t handle it so I switched my major to illustration, which was less pressure. I interned at a food magazine in NYC one summer and lived it.

After graduation I worked in retail and saved up my money so I could live anfvunteer in Lima, Peru for three months. Those were the happiest months of my life. I would still cry in the shower from time to time but I was so devoted to what I was doing.

I came back and couldn’t get a job in fashion so I thought about things and realized working with the kids in Peru was what really fulfilled me. I decided to go back to school to get my masters in teaching. This is when **** really hit the fan, so to speak. I pushed through the program in a year when it was recommended you do it in a year and a half to two years. I graduated with a 4.0 and worked when I wasn’t taking classes. During my internship I broke down literally everyday.

I dropped two pant sizes because the anxiety caused my dog s to act up. My therapist didn’t know what to do with me so she recommended I go to an outpatient program at a psych hospital. It was focused on DBT skills. My one claim to fame is that I made the social worker running the program cry because she could tell how desperately I wanted to get better. I’ve also made my therapist cry, so hey, at least I’m good at one thing.

I tried but didn’t get a job after grad school so I substitute taught and cried (I’m a big crier) I finally got a gig long term subbing for a teacher going on maternity leave at my dream school. And... I freaked out everyday. My desire to be perfect at everything caused me to break down daily in tears. Needless to say I wasn’t hired as a teacher at that school. So I went back to subbing and crying y til last year when I finally got a job teaching second grade at a privates school.

My current fiancé and I had waited eight years to get engaged because i wanted to have a job when he proposed. I poured my heart and soul into that job and tried SO hard. A couple weeks after winter break I found out the school was closing permanently. Also after winter break I started getting sick to my stomach from anxiety every Sunday and I would break down every night. I had amazing kids, amazing coworkers. I was finally working and I just lost it. This past summer my therapist recommended I go for round 2 of outpatient therapy at a pysch hospital. She also said she didn’t think she could do anything more for me and I should find another therapist... that was scary to hear. I suffered panic attacks, insomnia, and my Crohn’s acted up that summer because I was so upset that i was unemployed again.

I decided I needed to become a paraprofessional (that’s where you work one on one with kids with special needs and get paid next to nothing) and I got a job as one for this year. But then I was offered a job teaching first grade at another private school. My parents and fiancée said I should take the job even though I thought it was a bad idea given my track record but I listened to them and took the teaching job. Within the first week I could feel myself getting suicidal again. I couldn’t handle the pressure. I decided to listen to myself for I once and I gave my letter of recognition. Fast forward to now and I am a paraprofessional in preschool.

The point of this long winded story is I.am.still.so.depressed.and.anxious. I have a great therapist I see every week. I also go to group therapy once a week. I have tried every pill there is, I was on a dangerous level of Klonopin for awhile and still riddled with anxiety. I am so disappointed in myself that I couldn’t handle teaching and feel like SUCH a failure. I just want to sleep forever. I feel like I didn’t keep myself alive since I was 8 just so I could become this pathetic, blubbering mess that I am (can you sense the self hate?)

I’ve looked into ECT but really feel uncomfortable with it. I’m waiting to hear back from my insurance about whether TMS is covered. I meditate regularly, I am devoted to practicing DBT. I don’t know what else to do. I am in agony regularly. I have a supportive, loving family and fiancée. I don’t think its acceptable that doing the bare minimum and just surviving is an accomplishment for me.

I guess I’m here because I feel like I’m going to explode with sorrow and I don’t know if anyone will read this story, but does this sound familiar to anyone? Have you been here and found hope? I have none. I feel like my brain is permanently infected with illness and this is all I’ll ever be. Anybody hate themselves their whole lives and learn to love themselves? Anybody?
Ugh this is so long.

Hello Posey: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. Hopefully coming here to PC can be of some comfort & support.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

Here are links to some articles from PsychCentral's archives that may be of some interest:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/about-t...epression-trd/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/about-t...ression-trd/2/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-yo...nt-depression/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-se...nt-depression/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-d...t-really-mean/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/11-tip...anage-anxiety/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/tms/2...rt-one-of-two/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/tms/2...rt-two-of-two/

I don't know, of course, if you're here simply seeking advice with regard to this particular concern or if you plan to hang in here with us. However, should you be planning to continue on (we hope you do)... may I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

may i offer a different perspective for you. you are younger than me and it pains me just to even look at your 'list'. i've never been outside the country; i was NOT able to finish college and highly doubt i ever will be able to; and i have no support system.

i've been in this struggle for as long as i can remember, and i can't even remember my youth! i gave up trying meds & t's & p-docs years ago. i don't have that fight left in me any more.

but part of me thinks everything i've been thru and holding it together all these years HAS to count for something, even if barely anyone knows it. cuz most in my shoes wouldn't have held on this long - so i was told! i'm not sure what for hope i have left, but something inside me won't let me give up.

so even if you don't understand, look at the little things in life and take the small joys! you are luckier than some others, even if it's hard to see! so hang in there

Easy to see you're a very special person. Hope you get the help you deserve. My girlfriend is also one of those very caring people in the world. I wish my depression didn't make her life more difficult. Caring takes an awful lot of energy. You and she deserve the best. Take care.

Welcome to PC!

I have been through life-long depression. This has had a very negative impact upon my life. I am unable to achieve like I've wanted to do so. I have some support; yet, I often feel I am a burden to those supporting me, especially my husband. I am married to one of the nicest guys on earth. I am lucky in that regard.

With ongoing depressive episodes, I feel very much like I don't deserve any investment on anyone's part, in any way, shape or form.

Treatment-resistant depression warrants extra patience and understanding, for sure. It also takes a lot of strength, courage and self-compassion.

I have made it through the past 40-50 years, simply by taking life one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time.

If you are interested in ECT, you will find threads discussing ECT throughout the site. I suggest you try a search for the many threads.

Again, welcome to PC!


WC

Try Maca root has helped me out of life long depression. Buspar helped my anxiety without the addictive side effects of xanax. We are all individuals so be careful. Dont give up. I get great satisfaction out of helping others as well one of my only interests.

Try natural maca root for depression. Has helped me come out of 27 years of chronic depression Try Buspar for anxiety. Things can get better I know. Maca is better than any prescription i have tried. But we all have individual reactions. Adjust your dose accordingly. Start with a tsp of powder of the maca.

I am 47 been in the game a long time as well. Suicidal for 27 years no longer thanks to lithium. I see you are away from medical providers so try natural maca root for yourself and see if it has the outstanding effect it had on me. I think the only reason i am here is there is a force in the universe out for my best interest. And my resilient persistance. Good luck take care.

Please hold on and keep doing what you are doing- and reach out! I have felt every part of what you mentioned. I am now a 60 year old woman and feel what you have mentioned too- and I was a teacher! Stress stress stress! We are out here and we understand. Stay strong!,

I am 46 years old. I too have been massively depressed since 12 years old. I have tried almost everything. ECT- 55 times. TMS. Almost every anti-depressant out there. I feel terrible despair everyday and the psychache is beyond description. Have you checked out the remote possibility that marijuana- of course medical that is might help? In Las Vegas here they have dispensaries,so I do not know other states laws. I have been trying to find a way to get this ketamine infusuions too.Clinical depression that doesn't let up is very close to madness or insanity and I applaud you for hanging in there. Cheap words I know. You know yourself how words can't begin to describe the despair that unrelenting melancholy is.

You have awesome spirit and determination. Really hope you find relief. You deserve it.

Hi! I am sorry you have struggled for so long! Just know you are not alone! I am struggling with the same self hatred, never ending anxiety and never ending depression. But, I guess, we have to try to hold onto that hope that things will get better at some point. We have to keep trying our hardest, not be afraid of trying new things and reaching out when we need help! We will all get there! Hang in!

You remind me somewhat of myself. I still have a hard time struggling with depression/anxiety. I see age 8 as kind of a starting point. I too was perfectionistic.

I think it all goes back to not fitting in with peers as a child. Among your peers, as among mine, were some nice individuals. But you mainly remember the negative treatment. The meaning of the word "bullying" has changed a lot. When I was a kid, a bully was someone who threatened to beat you up. Nowadays, if someone says, "Hey you're ugly!" - that's called bullying. I think we've expanded the definition to apply to anyone who deliberately makes us feel uncomfortable. I would prefer to distinguish different behaviors and name them differently. I felt "cast off" by my classmates as a kid. But they really didn't do that to me. Many were nice and tried to include me . . . tried to draw me out. I just didn't relate well to my age-peers. It's about the worst thing that can happen to a kid - to feel like you don't belong. My interests were different. Maybe today I would have been diagnosed as being on the autustic spectrum. But I think that's another case of a word having its definition elasticised to the point of meaninglessness.

Like you, I did well academically. That made the adults in my world think I was just fine. I knew I was far from fine. It made me angry that many adults thought I was the ideal child. They were deaf and blind to my distress.

Like you I could perform some roles successfully. You've worked well with children in some settings. That's something you can build on.

Look at what was really going on in your childhood. There's way more to this story than "I was bullied."