Getting back into Therapy?

Hey, sorry I haven't posted in a while. My depression is really putting the brakes on my life as a whole. Within the past few months, I have literally slept through entire days, waking up to go to the bathroom, but usually back to sleep. Even any caffeine to get me awake doesn't last long. And because I generally like dreaming, that's usually the 'Good' part of my life right now....

I haven't seen a therapist in a long time, and I think the meds are no longer having a strong effect. Hell, it took me all day just to get moving enough to post this.


But, the real issue is, to put it bluntly, don't believe anyone can help my situation, only make it worse. While I'm certainly the standard model for 'walking depression,' I've had this condition for so long, that a lot of the severe negative thoughts feel normal. Such thoughts would probably scare any therapist into trying to get me admitted for a while at the hospital.


And after my first, only, and Last visit to the 'behavioral center' as they called it: I do not feel comfortable going back there. It wasn't that the nursing staff or doctors were bad; in fact they were the best part. It was the patients and my lack of understanding of what it was. Bluntly put, it's a psych ward.


tl;dr for below, I asked for help and felt like I got kicked in the nuts for reaching out.

Rant below:


I did not realize that you were going to be stuck inside of there for an indefinite amount of time. More-so on the very first night, I had a poor old lady who was suffering from severe dementia in there who was so scared, she literally screamed bloody murder in the middle of the night around midnight/1 a.m. This even pissed off another guy who randomly yelled at her, freaking out the staff.


Thankfully, everyone calmed down and no one got hurt, and she was quiet the remainder of my stay. But apparently, my heart rate was 'unusually high' in the morning, and they asked if I had anxiety issues (I didn't at the time...). Yeah, No ****ing **** my heart rate was high . I don't like yelling conflicts, prison like environments, a god damn wrist band I can't take off, lack of privacy, and lack of information on what this is going to cost me. So yeah, my heart rate was probably going to be high...

And that last one, the cost, was definitely the nail in the coffin. In total, for a three night, four day stay, it was around $3,800 out of pocket, even with insurance... I could have taken 6 weeks off of work for that cost, gone on an extended vacation, or even paid off my car early. Nope, now I'm even more tight-lipped about what I say around others, just on the off chance they might take it the wrong way and send me back there.


/rant

even writing this out makes me want to give up more on trying to find any therapist around this area. I've missed appointments in the past, and usually most therapists I've seen in the past barely have enough room for one appointment per month. even though I believe I definitely need to see someone more readily. It seems like everyone is just too busy to help anyone steadily. And with my cheap-o insurance, I doubt I will be able to find anyone who isn't balls deep in other clients like myself....


I don't know why I'm even writing this in the first place.... I've never been good at replying to my own threads anyways....

Hiya, Silent. When you said that for $3800 (highway robbery, IMO) you could have taken 6 weeks off work, does this mean that you're actually still able to work? I was just hoping that you were doing something other than sleeping. Since obtaining frequent and effective therapy is such an obstacle, would it help if you just posted here frequently? I mean, your frustrations are immense and understandable, and you have to discharge that energy somewhere, so maybe you could do that here?

Hey, thanks for the reply. (And living up to my name, I wrote a page and a half...) That event was two years back when I was working, currently unemployed. I figured at my wage of 17/hour, which after taxes was approx $500 on a normal week, I would have actually made/loss the same if i was working and not going there. Technically, the math is closer to 8 weeks worth of salary towards that one hospital stay.


Really, other than sleeping, I've been on my computer most of the day. Thankfully, SGDQ is on this week, so I've had something to watch. Otherwise, since I'm also living with my parents, and my mother's health is deteriorating, getting out of the house is annoying, as I always get the nagged about something. And sadly, or whatever depending on how you look at it, I have a very efficient and effective "All-Room." More on that later.


And yeah, I probably will discharge my energy here more often. Part of me never likes to make other people 'carry my burdens' so to speak, so I don't speak up often when I'm feeling terrible. Doesn't help that growing up, when I was feeling bad, people thought I was just faking feeling sick to get out of school, or in psychiatric terms: my feelings were never validated.


This was especially true when I was maybe 7 and my grandfather died. I was crying a lot, so naturally, people wanted to calm me down. But, instead of people being with me, it was "Here, watch this movie (Jungle Book) and calm down, ok?"

So yeah, instead of being around people when you're sad, I distract myself from the feelings until they go away... Which they never really do, wrapping back to my "All-Room." A high end computer, a good bed, and a decent internet connection. Most of the reason people pushed me into electrical/computer engineering tech, or ECET was because I was on the computer all the time and became good by proxy.


I thankfully don't drink or smoke, but I still hide out in my room... Which still has similar problems to those addictions. It's nothing new to me as when I was growing up, I always wanted to get away from conflict or people in general. Like a cat, too much noise and I just want to run and hide.


And yeah, I also understand that being on the computer all the time is a symptom of the problem, and not the root cause, though it does circle back to the roots. So, I hide out because I'm lonely and miserable. Games, movies, porn, doesn't matter as it's all part of the same symptom, which still makes the root cause worse.


The kicker lately is that I haven't found ANY event outside of the house that even remotely interests me. The main problem is I live in the middle of no where: there's at least an 30-45 minute drive to anywhere remotely interesting. 2 hours to the nearest city. I barely drink, not even one a month, so bars are out of the question. Meetup.com might as well be a 404 page around this area. lol. Well no, that's too harsh; but the clubs I've tried in the past were... meh at best. Like one introvert trying to talk to another, those meetups usually happened quick, felt awkward, and everyone forgot who attended. And meetups were usually scattered around anyways.


That's also another problem of mine. I don't stick to one place, probably because I'm looking for distractions with no clue on how to solve this problem, even if I can be solved. But really, I'm a generic human: if I don't see results quickly, I try something else, even when I should just stick with one thing. It's difficult for me to see if something will bare fruit or not, so I rarely feel compelled to stick with anything. That is, even if I can keep my interest with a topic going as well.


Blarg.


Thankfully, I have gotten somewhat better about actually liking my interests. What I mean by this is when I find someone who actually likes something I like, I've been getting away from feeling bad about the thing I like. I.E. Much like a teenager who likes, say Pokemon, but doesn't want to be insulted for liking it if he brings it up in front of his friends. For me, it was usually cartoons like Steven Universe, Adventure Time (when I was watching it, no idea what the new stuff is like) or animes like the JoJo series, Kill la Kill, Overlord, etc.


Basically, when you're made fun of a lot growing up, you don't like to show off what you like, as that looks like weakness for someone else to exploit. It got worse when you felt embarrassed for liking the things you like. Again, I've gotten better, but I still have to force myself not to feel bad for liking something. (Though lately, my feelings have drastically altered with a few things, so even though in the past I would be thrilled talking to someone about WoW (World of Warcraft) I feel...highly conflicted on it and don't know how to respond to others about it.



Sorry for the rant. Anyways, my brother also recommended getting something called a cranial massage, so I might try that since it doesn't sound too expensive.

Well, there's not much chance you'll burden anyone here. I'm happy to read your posts and enjoy your writing. Your recollection of the "behavioral center" is pretty creepy; I understand why you would want to avoid a repeat. If getting therapy is problematic right now, have you thought of seeing a pdoc and trying different meds since they're no longer working? There are so many choices nowadays that maybe one of them will re-boot you, give you some energy...ya know, perk you up?

Yeah, the behavioral center /hospital stay wasn't a pleasant experience for me, but I guess if people were really struggling, I'd let them know what they are getting into first, then recommend it. As I mentioned, the nursing staff was excellent, save for never giving me an answer on the cost of the stay. And they were also sympathetic with me, knowing that it was a glorified psych ward. According to them, it was definitely one of the better ones suited for it's purpose. And it wasn't like we were completely locked in there; they had shower rooms and breaks where you could go outside and community games. I was caught off guard by the fact that they don't want you to leave, and for obvious reasons.


At the end of the day, I consider that visit an over-correction, doing more harm then good. Which seems like the common when dealing with mental problems: either people do nothing and hope it blows over, or explode into action, doing way to much, forcing actions onto people, becoming overly frantic, and other extremes. The changes I would like to see would be levels of care, rather than extremes. Honestly, I feel that psychotherapy is usually on the low end, basic and good ideas on how to deal with problems. However, then there is a huge gap between them and a hospital stay with nothing solid in-between.

The idea of Retreats do come into mind, but then that idea is usually marred by extremist religious camps or "Conversion Therapy" camps... You don't even need to be 100% of any certain sexual orientation to look at those camps and say, WTF? (I'm from Indiana btw, and No I didn't vote for Pence.)



...Idk, now I feel myself shrinking back, because even though a few ideas come to mind, like going to the Y up north, or planning a vacation, I guess I don't want to say any plan as I ultimately might not stick to them. I've been all talk and no action for so long that I'm self depreciating. As my therapist would say, I'm using too many shoulds...

Okay. Keep writing. I'm reading.

I was in the hospital three times in 2017. Finally, I asked my pdoc if he perhaps was under the mistaken impression that I was fabulously wealthy. I suggested that maybe we could consider a less drastic means of dealing with "episodes." He said he would respond reasonably when I started making sense. Fair enough. I have one outstanding bill for ~$2,000. It's been eight months, and I guess the hospital let it fall through the cracks? IDK. I consider myself an ethical person, but I don't believe I'll call the hospital to beg them for the bill. They're not stupid; they'll figure it out eventually. There's no statute of limitations on hospital bills (I Googled it). Okay, enough about that.

Yeah, levels of care rather than extremes. I've thought of this, too. I wonder why nobody has pursued this? Oh...there is IOP, but I'm too far away from the facility for this to be realistic. Also, well, I need to work.

I was never made fun of when I was growing up. Sorry you experienced that.

Did you try the cranial massage?

If you could plan a vacation, where would you go?