My Heart Whispers in the Wind...

My heart whispers in the wind for something it cannot comprehend…Waiting for a divine reply until I die…When will it end? The torture my mind puts me in.

Moments of peace and tastes of grace, feed the hope to make sense of this earthly place.

My heart whispers in the wind, while gusts of emotions fiendishly flurry, this mind every which way, in an aberrant hurry.

Clouds roll in, followed by a thick fog that envelopes the mind, leaving me lost and behind.

These sit bones labor to remain grounded in this earth, through each torrential tempest, as my mind relentlessly swirls and sways, leaving reality even farther away.

They say Love is sewn in the earth, as my blade of illusions insidiously severs these threads, leading me to believe I’d be better off dead.

Yet, I hear Love is a root of salvation that never ends. No longer a separate self, no torsion of ego, they say Love is felt by an open heart with a quiet mind, leading me endlessly venturing to find.

My heart whispers in the wind, reaching for branches that untwine, and searching for a guiding light that shines.

Yet, they say rooted in the dark earth, Love is unconditional, but here our hearts ache to seek the unequivocal.

My heart whispers in the wind, yearning and learning to resurface again, hoping to one day rest in the divine, where it can finally transcend.

My heart still whispers in the wind, believing it can one day realize peace and comprehend, this mysterious mind and space, inhabited by the human race.

Oh, that was gorgeous! Are you the author? It totally describes the hopelessness of despair. I pray that you find Love... I truly believe it's out there. Much love, Susan

Thank you yes I am the author. The biggest frustration for me with this depressive illness is that I do have so much love in my life. I have amazing supportive loving family and friends. I’m well aware of how fortunate I am to have the love that surrounds me. I don’t have a husband boyfriend or children. But I do have love. What tortures me is when the depression takes over this mind and the heavy crushing leaden blanket of that horrid sinking misery feeling that convinces you death is the solution. It builds this dense wall around me cutting me off from reality and those I love so dear. It has me believing those lies that I’m a burden to others and all alone. It gets to the point where I can’t feel the gratitude the love the joy the connection the alivenss and the sense of worthiness. And I’m well aware of how much worse my life could be, I’ve worked as a mental health provider for years with people with horrible histories of trauma, severe mental illness and incarceration etc. Then I get this guilt because I know how much support love I do have yet the depression distorts this mind so much that I lose the ability to feel the appreciation, gratitude the love and then life seems pointless cruel and dreadful. Yet something in me keeps trying. The loving support people in my life are what has kept me alive. But it gets scary at times because sometimes the depression gets so bad that even all that love starts to lose out gets severed by the demon and I can’t really feel it anymore. My
Mind is fantastically talented at creating dramatic misery. Yet again there’s some part of me that keeps hoping searching for the space of awareness and finding a peace with the depression. I’ve tried so many treatments, 30 different meds ECT TMS ketamine and lots of psychotherapy. But despite feeling so defeated and lost, there’s some life in me that keeps breathing and moving. So I continue to try even if many days just feel like I’m just existing not really living. For their love I keep searching for peace. I don’t know what else to do anymore.