Triggers

Hello everyone! I'm struggling from childhood abuse that began early on I think I was age 4-6. I have 3 older brothers ages range 58-64. Then, I have a twin brother, sean. we're 53. My mom suffered emotional and physical abuse.
I can't imagine the suffering she endured. I always knew something wasn't quite
right. I just couldn't put my finger on it. I was always quite and shy but I always watched people's behavior and often wondered what made people do the things they did. So, I went to RN school and psyche has always been my passion.
It didn't take me too long to pinpoint my mother's illness. My mom was codependent and was very toxic. She was a very angry person. I hated to have admit she was mean and could be cruel to me. She loved all my brothers. However, she taught my brothers and sis-in-laws they were allowed to talk to me however the wanted. Could verbally abuse me if they wanted. She taught sis-in-laws if I so much as breathed the wrong way in their presence, to report it to them. Then, I was made to apologize immediately . Mom would say, "now come on and do it for the sake of your brother". So, the in-laws thought, " Oh how cool is that! " So, If daughter doesn't do as I tell her, I can report her to mom-in-law and operate her like a little puppet". So, I was the"escape goat" everything was always my fault. Mom constantly watched every bite of food I ate and would say,
"Are you going to eat all that" I would become so self-conscious, I would go to
living room so I could eat without her eyeballing me. I was never skinny enough.
No matter what I did, nothing would ever be good enough. I always gave her the utmost respect. My dad demanded it. But, Dad and I knew the game we had to play. he couldn't hug on me too much or dang! she would get jealous. She always would say to other pple how smart my twin was. He was going to go to college. She had already labeled me as dumb. told me she was worried That I couldn't even add or subtract numbers. How I would need to marry so my husband could take care of dummy daughter. Then ,I did the unthinkable. I told
everyone, I was going to attend RN school. My mother gasped "WHAT?" She said,
It's too hard". "Why do you want to try something so hard?" I said, "I've always
wanted to be a nurse since I was 5 yrs old." I really want to do it. I finally said"Mom, I know your concerned and I really appreciate your advice. But, I've made the decision to attend nursing school and I'm going!" Later on, Mom's sister, who was a teacher decided they would talk to my uncle about my choice.
He was helping me with my algebra. He was a teacher as well. Anyway, They told my uncle and aunt, "Ya'll ,tell her she can't do it. Tell her it's just too hard and she'll never make it!" My uncle said,"No way! Later they told me what was said.
I looked up with the coldest look in my eyes at my uncle. I said,"is that right".
I replied,"Well, you tell them I said," Hide and watch" I said, " You tell the both of them I don't care what they say, what they tell others. Just know Nothing and I mean Nobody will stand in my way! Mom said," Your just so stubborn like your Dad. I said," You call it stubborn?" I call it, "tenacity!" May I say, I was the first out of 5 children to be the first to graduate RN school and passed boards the first time.! I had 0 support. I remember how shocked she was when I told her out of 98 students, I passed the one test famous for failing a lot of students. The Psychiatric test. the 98 failed! I made 99% and my friend made 100. the class wanted it thrown out but we got to keep our grade. People would say," How
did you know the material so well?" I replied," I have had a Lifetime hands on
experience lol

And I did finally make myself face reality. Mom never talked much about her parents. I was discussing this topic with my father. I said, it's because one or
both parents were very abusive to mom. Dad said, "My father did the same thing". "Didn't know it did you?" I said," yes of course!" Like I said," You rarely
spoke of him." Before my Mom passed away from renal cancer in 2016, I discovered a family secret abt MOM. Remember now, the boys were Golden
I was the rebellious ,disrespectful daughter. I was talking to one of the older
brothers. He was soooo Angry at me. He told me,"Did you know you upset
mom 3 weeks before she died?" I asked him, What did I say?He said," Idk
she wouldn't say. I thought and thought and I said," I honestly can't recall anything. For 3 weeks, I laid awake frantic. trying to go over in my head what
I could have said. My brother said," Right, I don't wanna hear it. He told me
certain family members said I was mean to mom etc..... He said, you better
get your heart right if you want to remain within this family. Oh I was trying
to not let him push buttons. I wanted to say, "Oh please, let me help you out
here. I'll be happy to bow out gracefully from the so-called family. Before the conversation was over, certain people in my family accused me of the following:
That because I went to mom's house and got earrings that were mine, I must have been looking for valuables to sell. I was greedy, I was accused of being "On
drugs." That I bought my meds from a drug dealer lol" he asked me to explain
what or why did I stay up at night. I said, "I worked nights for 20 years" It's a habit I've not changed. yeah but what do you do exactly. I said, I clean my apt, I watch
pureflix. I don't watch tv. I listen to christian music or read. He said, That"s just
not normal. I think you're just lazy. He finally stopped ranting and I asked him
why couldn't these family members who made the false accusations face me and ask their questions. I asked who were they. Of course he didn't tell me but I knew. once we hung up, Something dawned on me. Mom had been telling other uncles,aunts about how mean I was to her. She painted me as the Villian so she could milk it for all the sympathy she could get. What really confirmed my suspicion was at my fathers funeral. my cousin who is a pastor had the guts to say," Well, you weren't much of a daughter". God intervened lol because all I could say was, "Well, I guess we all have all sorts of flaws. I knew then my Mother
had been doing this all of my life. She made sure she set me up just one more
time. I would say to myself,"No, that's my mother! She wouldn't do that! My mom
loved me" Yes, I have come to terms that Mom was very angry and she never
got to express it.So, most of the time, she was anxious, worried abt everything.
and she would take her anger out on me.I had to remain silent while she screamed at me. I sought refuge by moving to my Grandmother's home. She had early stages of Alzheimers and I cared for her from 16-22. So yeah, that was my only escape. That's why I get so triggered and become so angry. I refuse to tolerate anyone to take their anger out on me or scream at me. I told one brother
If he ever laid another hand on me I promised him I would have him arrested
and would press charges.

The bright side of this story? When mom died, 3 weeks later, I stepped in to care for my father. I knew in my gut, brother was an alcoholic and would mix'em
with his pain pills. I also predicted he would treat my father bad and so would
sis-in-law. My father and I had the best times we've ever been together. We were finally able to let him get to know me as an adult. I spoiled him rotten. I can't tell you how many times me and the brothers Locked horns about the way they talked to him. Sure enough, one day, I had all I was going to take. I had a surge
of adrenalin. If she had not been brothers wife? I think I would have beat her
until you couldn't recognize her. I had her running from me all over the drive way.
God helped me with some self control. She never mistreated my father again.

How are we Now? My twin treats me with respect. The others? including
sis-in-laws still try to push buttons. so you have any regrets about your dad or mom? I just always smile and say Lord no! Yes, I made the choice to love them
from a distance for my own mental well being. I still struggle with
whether I've truly forgiven Mom, my 3 older brothers. The whole Group. I just still
can't forget the moment I discovered the family secret. I believe if It were possible to feel your heart ache it was close enough to call it heartbreak.
I had the such mixed feelings after she died. inside I was like Yay! I get to be free
I get to be my real self and be a grown up. then guilt set in. I finally concluded,
Even if mom were alive today, she was already the person she was going to be.
no matter how much unconditional love i gave her. bought nice things she wouldn't buy herself. To make extra visits. It still would not be good enough. and I would never be enough for her. However, through this journey, I'm trying tolove myself. Trying to take care of myself mentally,physically and spiritually. My brothers almost pushed me to having another breakdown. It has taken a toll on
me but I'm a survivor. I raised my kids without yelling. I always built them up.
I Never stayed on my daughter about weight. I always told them. You're so smart! You can do whatever you want to do in life and never let anyone tell you differently. I hope I can be an encouragement to you all. I'm having a hard time adjusting to my new life. I suffer from treatment resistant depression. It's like I'm stuck. anyone experience this?

I welcome ? I don't mind.

You sound like a wonderful person. Growing up, books were my solace and comfort. My dad took me to the library regularly; I was given a lot of books growing up and I read everything I could get my hands on. Books educate. That you read so much may have helped you score so high on that test. They provide a fantasy world we can escape to. I think it's great that you love reading and Christian music.

Triggers. My POV is the triggers are things in my life we need to process and grieve. With all you have been through, it is going to take a while. I went through a depression that lasted years and did have to get help (a therapist and psychiatrist) but am mostly no longer depressed and anxious. I had to learn how to understand my deep down feelings and what was causing them. I had to (this one is a life long process) try to figure out my deepest desires and work towards my dreams--not others expections. Life is a growing process. Eventually, what you are going through will put you on the path you were meant to be on. Since you listen to Christian music, perhaps you believe in God? If you do, pray for guidance and healing. I believe we were all put here for a reason. Look for your life purpose. I believe there is a reason we go through challenging things. Find the lessons from the challenging things you have been through. Yes, it can be so unclear but life is about unraveling mysteries. It can get better if you take the time to care for yourself and get help for your depression.

Welcome to pc. I also think you sound like a wonderful person. My best to you

Leosroar, I think you are incredibly brave! In the face of constant belittling, you believed in yourself and made your way. It sounds like you have treated your own children with the respect you didn't get from your mother. You broke a toxic cycle. I wish you healing. I think you get to find the people and homes that help you feel safe and loved.