[Otter63]

Why does it bother people when they find out my husband and I don't sleep in the same room? I don't go around telling everyone I meet, but if I spend enough time with someone, I'm likely to say something that gives it away or I might tell them.

It just seems to freak people out sometimes. Some years back I had a woman (a good woman-trying to be helpful) spend considerable time trying to convince me that I needed to sleep in the same bed with my husband.

The biggest reason we ended up in separate rooms is because my H has major sleep problems. Really hard to sleep next to someone when you're always worried that you're going to wake them. Then once he's awake-forget sleep for me.

The other issue is temperature. Our house is too cold for me and too hot for him. Last night the AC was at 67 as usual, and as usual, he was saying he was hot. So he has a fan blowing at him at full speed in his room, and in my room I have a space heater and electric blanket going.

We also both snore, but that's less of an issue.

I do lie in bed and watch tv with him most nights. Also when age, weight, and meds are not screwing with our libidos too much, we manage a conjugal visit sometimes.

Do me a favor and speak up if this applies to you. I think it is more common than people think.

[Ladyzero]

Well, just my opinion, but it suits you both, so why worry ? Just because you sleep separately doesn't mean closeness is gone. You make time to be together, just sleep alone. Hardly outrageous ! Some would say, the best of both worlds.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Otter63

Do me a favor and speak up if this applies to you. I think it is more common than people think.

It does not, but I know a bit about it.

My ex second H was very sensitive to cold. To the point of having a disease that makes fingers turn red from cold.

And I do not like being in hot rooms.

It was not a good combination - if I opened the window without putting an extra blanket on him while he was asleep, then I was at fault come morning. So most of the time I did not open the window. Sometimes I would go sleep in our younger daughter's full bed (I sleep on that bed now post divorce ), cuddling with the daughter and enjoying open windows (my daughter also did not like hot temperature in the room).

So I can very easily see how the temperature differential would call for separate sleeping quarters. And, sleep issues would call for separate quarters even MORE. I can see that without hesitation.

[healingme4me]

I have a friend, who's been married for 30+ years, that has a wonderful, close, loving relationship with her husband. And for reasons, similar to yours, they do sleep in separate beds.

I cannot think of a couple that is as much friends as they are lovers. Things like needing different types of beds, hogging the bed, hot flashes, snoring, sleeping patterns, etc.

I see it like this, instead of growing resentful with one another, over the little things like 'sleep wars', which some people may be compatible in every other way, why let something like this, build up and damage the relationship? Makes, for when one desires to share that bed for an evening here and there, all that more special, if you ask me!!

Hold your head up, if it works, and keeps your love alive, then by all means!!

[tinyrabbit]

Why does it bother you when they comment on it? Why are you stuck on what they said? How do YOU feel about it, really?

Just seemed worth asking.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

Why does it bother you when they comment on it? Why are you stuck on what they said?

I would think that Otter63 is upset because other people are trying to tell her how to live her life, which is annoying and a bit condescending.

Not trying to put words in her mouth, but just trying to place myself in her shoes.

When I was 8 years old I went to a neighbors house to meet up with my bbf (or for that day) and she was showing me her house...I was astonished that her mommy and daddy slept in the same bed!!! My parents had never slept in the same bed to my knowledge with the exeption of perhaps the first couple of years married. My mother had insomnia and my father snored, as it was explained to me. As I was only 8, I obviously didn't notice any nocturnal visitations...they did end up divorcing a few years later, but that was because my mother inherited money from her father and, I gather, never wanted to be married in the first place.

Go figure. But I still remember thinking how weird it was my gf's parents slept in the same room....in the same bed!! Ewww lol

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I would think that Otter63 is upset because other people are trying to tell her how to live her life, which is annoying and a bit condescending.

Not trying to put words in her mouth, but just trying to place myself in her shoes.

Maybe. But then the thread would be: don't you hate it when people tell you how to live your life, no?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

Maybe. But then the thread would be: don't you hate it when people tell you how to live your life, no?

point taken

[EmilysZoo]

My husband and I have not slept in the same bed for about 15 years. After having kids, I became a very light sleeper. He gained a little weight and started snoring. He grinds his teeth, moves his legs and feet all night, and pulls the covers to his side. I was always tired and resentful when we tried to sleep together.

I don't volunteer the information, but if the subject comes up, people learn that we sleep apart. It doesn't really bother me that other people know.

Do I wish we could sleep in the same bed? Yes, definitely! It would make me feel more connected to him and probably lead to more sex. Our two teenagers stay up as late or later than us. It would be obvious what we were up to if my husband and I retired to one bedroom, and then later one of us went to another room to sleep. Although we're pretty open about sex with our kids, I don't really want them to know the exact moment we're doing it! If we slept together, that would be the norm and no questions asked.

As it is now, we plan our 'conjugal' visits to times when the kids are gone. Actually, we have tried to retire to separate rooms then have one of us sneak into the other's room. When my 14 year old walked in on us (he was just going to ask his dad a question--didn't think he was asleep yet), it was quite awkward! Probably more information than you were looking for.

Anyway, about 1/2 of the married people I know sleep in separate rooms, though I admit my circle of family/friends is small.

[Otter63]

Yeah, that's what I was hoping for I guess. Just to know I'm not alone. To have a discussion.

[Otter63]

Thank you all for your responses