My regrets.

I don't even know how to start this post. I am having a very hard time dealing with something. In October 2009 I became pregnant while I was only 18. My boyfriend didn't want to have a child and I didn't really know what to do. He urged me to have an abortion and I know it was ultimately my choice, I do feel like he pressured me and I really had no other option. I have been very sad and feeling like it was the wrong decision to make. A lot of my friends and people I went to school with have been having babies and I feel like I want one. I never really coped with the abortion and I am still dating the same guy. He is almost 24 now and I am 20 years old. I just don't know what I should do...

I posted something quite like this just a few days ago. Dont feel alone i know exactly how you feel.
It is very hard, to find the right way to feel after a termination. And you wanting to have babies is only natural.
Do not feel guilty for your decision at 18 you do not know what the future holds, its very young.
Have you recieved any counselling?
Do you think that your boyfriend still does not want children?
You are still young darl, but i understand the heart wants what it wants and its hard to convince it otherwise.
Im sorry you were pressured, my partner pressured me into a termination too, and sometimes i hate him and other times i accept that he was being practical. But i will never know who was right.
Im here for you, anything you need to say.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have been through a similar situation and it is a very very hard issue for me to deal with. It's been over 3 years, and it has not gotten any better for me. Although I am working on it(sort of) in therapy. I don't know what to say, but you can always PM me if you want to talk. I understand (((((hugs))))) you are definitely not alone.

It's a hard thing to have in one's past. I think you will always have regrets but hopefully can come to terms and cope with what happened. Please be gentle with yourself--18 is so young to make such a big decision. Having regrets is a way of honoring what might have been. I think you might find counseling helpful.

Sorry you are feeling these feelings... I can't relate, but I can imagine how horribly guilty it would make you feel. Guilt is a horrible, suffocating emotion and I hope you seek counselling or therapy if you haven't already. Though this regret may cling to you forever, try and forgive yourself. It was best for you at the time, was it not?

Last year I put myself in a situation I shouldn’t have that resulted in pregnancy. I found out at an early stage. I was a couple of weeks pregnant and I took the abortion pill, which since then, I’ve been having health issues. Like you, I’m still feeling a lot of emotions over the issue and I’m typically a detached type of person that doesn’t let things get to me. I never would have thought that this would have affected me to this extent and what made it worse was I went through it alone. I can completely relate and I feel for you, but this is something you cannot change. The coping process may take a while and if you need to reach out for further help to get you through, I suggest you do just that. I would even include your boyfriend in on your feelings. Any type of support helps. *hugs*

i dont think anyone could say it better than theo just did.
Listen to her shes so so wise.

Hi itspeaks

You have been haunting me. This post haunts me. All who answer you here haunt me. I guess that's why, here I sit at 3:30 in the morning composing and deleting posts in an attempt to answer you. I know Disguise read the first one. I deleted it.

"Delete", "Remove," "Abort"..all such empty words. Like the empty, the big Empty you feel in your gut. It's wrenching, painful, you are falling and there is nothing real to anchor you in this deep dark abyss you are falling through...you think "Well, if I have a baby, it will all be better." I am hoping that my story will help you; though it is exceptionally hard to write it.

I had two abortions which were the resultant of rapes when I was 15 and again when I was 16. Back then, everyone was having multiple abortions, they used them as methods of birth control. Didn't seem to bother them at all. "Just a piece of skin" my mother said. That's all they knew back then. (70's)

I was sexually abused before memory. The boys found me very early. My brothers had friends who found me, my father found me as a mere babe...my parents divorced when I was two.

It continued into my teens. I was pursued by boys, men...a deer caught in the headlights.

When I was 16, I still had not had consentual sex with anyone. I hated myself.
A boy in my building wanted to marry me. He didn't want sex till after we had married. He bought me a three carot diamond ring, we had an engagement party-live band, prime rib. His huge Italian family adopted me, loved me, bought me clothes.
He loved me, and he knew my history. He was sooo loving and kind. He truly loved me.

I broke it off. I gave back the ring, the diamond cross, the earrings, etc.. He was too good for me.

I had to be punished...I had my breakdowns from the abortions. Oh, how I loathed myself. I knew when they'd have their birthdays (still do) To this day, I regret it all.

Men were after me all my life...I let the most intelligent, charming, controlling, sociopath have me.

I married. I was whatever he wanted me to be. The ideal wife, mother, gourmet cook, hostess, gardener; the butt of his sexual cruelty, emotional cruelty, and spiritual cruelty. Yes, I had two children, adults now with children of their own.

I did not exist for 16 years.

He fooled around on me..I got diseases, couldn't figure it out; I always did what he wanted. After the diseases I got a bed in the basement.

He went after our 13 year old daughter.

She was my jewel....my dream for the future...I went to family court with her written description of what he'd done, he was escorted out that day.

A ten year long divorce ensued.
I permitted this man to make me a nonentity for 16 years...he was verbally and physically abusive in front of the children. They soon learned how to do the same.

My adult daughter, who idolized me as a child; does not speak with me today. She probably fears that she will be as I was. I have accepted this. I am still hopeful.

The point is, I wasted 26 years of my life punishing myself (my children also suffered) for those abortions.

I hope you will not do the same. Do you know you?--dumb question-huh?
Is this really the right guy for you? You have so many years to have babies.

Someone here has a signature by Cobain:

"I'd rather be hated for who I am, than be loved for who they think I am."---that's really good.

This is so hard to write; but I feel compelled to write it...maybe you will learn something from my story? I wasted 26 years of my life punishing myself!!!
I so hope you will not do the same!

I didn't even try to get to know myself! I'm 56 now, and I'm only just now beginning to like me--to LOVE me---how f***ing amaaazing is that?!

Having babies didn't make me stop loathing myself. It took hard work, it took years of getting to know myself.

I've often wondered if they've ever taken the statistics of the high rate of abortions in conjunction with the high rates of Domestic Abuse.....interesting.

Yes, you can have babies! But first--how about that little girl in you who so wants your forgiveness, your love, your cuddles? She ne'er got to have any fun...she wants to come out and play.....she hurts soooo much, she needs you now more than ever!
She is you!!!

Oh yes! you will hear that bird sing!!!(((((itspeaks)))Please love you? You are so special, you feel this all too deeply to be a vacant non entity. I have such high hopes for you! Pax---theo

I apologize for this being so long..it wasn't easy to write. I also apologize if I have overstepped your boundaries.

Thank you for sharing your story with me Theo. A lot has happened since I posted this. On July 5th I found out my boyfriend had been cheating on me with another woman since March. He was dating her and telling her he wanted to move in with her, that I was just his crazy ex gf who called him all the time to bother him. He used my gas money that was to take me to work to drive over to her house and be with her. He slept with her and I in the same day. He didn't ever use condoms. She caught him cheating on her with another woman.. When she found out about me she messaged me via facebook. It was a horrible way to find out. I do not know how many other woman he cheated on me with. I know he is not the right person for me, but I am still in love with him. In love with the person who I thought, who I wanted him to be. He will not return my things, childhood memories he is stealing from me. I don't really know what to do anymore. The last 3 years of my life have been horrible, I wish I could go back in time and make everything perfect. When do I get to have my happiness? Will it ever come?

oh i am so so sorry sweetheart. to have been lied to and mislead like this is devestating
You of course will take time to mourn this.
It is a huge loss. Loss of love , loss of trust.
But i hold hope in my heart that things will improve for you, one day, not too too far away, when you have let all the sadness out
Xxxxxxxx
We are here for you

((((((((itspeaks)))))))))---he didn't use condoms and had multiple partners you say.
My first thought is to ask you to get to a Doctor and have yourself checked for all STD's. He put you at high risk.

My second thought is to let you know that I think all here understand how you still feel "love" for him; we all do that...he is what you have known for three years, you trusted him, you were his woman, you felt that something would come of this, the idea of him is a known-a comforting thought as opposed to having to be on your own again. It's hard to go back to being just you and not part of "us". It's scary.

We are here for you.....all of us....I am so sorry this has happened; I wish I could make it go away. I send you hugs, please get to a Doctor?---------Pax----theo