"Che sara, sara" - a vent

I turned 40 this past year, I have BP, endometriosis and fibroids; this I have come to terms with but what I have been struggling lately with the fact that I am single, childless, and without a family of my own, other than the pets, which I adore. I have always said, "what will be, will be". There is also with grave fear about passing on the BP to children and that it might be for the best that I do not have children. I relish the role of being Auntie to family's and friends' children, but there is this ache that that though this may be exactly what was meant to be, I am tired of hearing from others, why aren't you with someone, have your own family, you would make such a great mom; it hurts. Lately I have been grieving for a miscarriage years ago and unrelated engagement that mutually ended. The grief and the sadness are overwhelming me. I wish I could be more settled with this and to stop the hurt.

It may be because I have been sick, my resolve is weaker right now but I need to, I don't know, figure something out because it pains me.

I have never shared this with anyone but I needed through the tears to let it out.
Thanks for listening .

(((((Fresia))))))

Dear Fresia, thanks for sharing such personal issues.
They are real & not to be minimized. I also live by "what will be will be".
That doesn't make you hurt & grieve any less.

When people say things like "why aren't you with someone" it is a question but they probably mean it as a compliment. But, don't realize how this hurts so deeply & how it impacts your life. You probably know all the polite come back lines for these situations.

Now that you have opened up here, is there a friend, family member or clergy you could confide in? If you see a T consider discussing your pain & saddness so s/he can help you sort this out. There is nothing wrong or weak with letting yourself cry. But you are right about figuring something out. When grief & saddness consume your every thought, it's time for guidance outside your own head/heart.
Don't know if this helped, just know you were heard & we care.

Wish the best for you,
Chaotic

Thank you so much everyone for the hugs and for your kind words Chaotic! Truly, thanks.

You're so insightful about this being an indication that it is time to get it out and to talk about it with T. I thought this was something that I had moved past but by never really dealing with it has caught up with me. I have compartmentalized this for a long time hoping that the future would make a different path; this is not the path I saw for myself. I have an appointment this week and hopefully I can be brave enough to talk about it in person. Worse case, I may print that post off for her to read to get things going so I don't back down because keeping it bottled up is clearly not working. There was some relief in sharing, so thank you again for listening y'all. Perhaps this was the first step to healing and with T will be the next.

Big hugs to all.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Do you have a T you could talk to? It sounds like a lot of deep and painful issues are bubbling up.