getting older, no kids, feeling like something is missing

I'm in my mid-30s and divorced. I never had kids expecially becuase my ex didn't want that (which was a major reason for us getting divorced).

At any rate, I was recently poking around Facebook to loo at college friends and such. Most of the women my age have kids and these wonderful, big families. I feel like there is so much lacking in my life. All I wanted was to be a mother. I get reminded by my mother that I haven't given her grandkids yet...

It's just hard. It's almost a little too late, or so it seems. All my friends have kids and families and I am losing touch with them, too....since they now have these families and kids - their priorities are changing and I don't have anything in common with them.

How do I deal with this? I almost feel like this life-long goal of mine will never be.

When I was a kid I loved my aunts and uncles that were single and had no kids. They made great confidantes as I grew up. In your mid thirties you definitely have options...many first time parents where I work are in their late thirties up to the mid 40s.

Single parenting is hard but if having children is a life dream of yours I would look into adoption or pregnancy without a partner. Putting that dream away would be a shame in my opinion.

I would get a letter of recommendation from your pdoc and / or therapists that say something like "doggiedo been stable for x amount of time and In my opinion would be an excellent candidate for parenting." That way you can be truthful in whatever road you take for parenting. I'm in favor of the foster-to-adopt program. It's messed up to having "letters of recommendation" from your support team but it'll help if there's every a question of your ability to parent. Even if the father is in the picture.

I honestly think you should look into everything you can put into place and really consider having a child on your own. Since it would be planned you can be much more prepared and you are more aware of your personal issues then most parents, you'll probably be a better parent then most.

Doggiedo,

I'm 39 and don't have kids, but that's a choice I made a long time ago. I feel left out sometimes, like that's a huge void in my life, or thinking it will fill a void, or fill the loneliness I feel alot these days, but I'm not going to just go out and find someone to have a child with. There's alot of things I'd still like to do with my life, and it wouldn't be fair to bring a child into this world for those reasons.

I just turned 31 and i love kids, just not sure i want my own. I think i'm worry that with my issues i couldn't be selfless enough. But really dread that if i make the decision not to become a mum i'll regret it and have a void in my life ?

My sister-in-law always had always longed to be a mother and at 40yrs old had her first, she is an amazing mum. And to be honest it has been the making of her, she feels she has found her purpose in life. If you really want to be a mother you will find a way, sending you lots of positive thoughts and hugs

Doggiedo, I can so relate to this. You are in my heart. I know exactly what you mean when you say that you see FB friends with their new babies all the time. Same with me. I have also very very similar thoughts and feelings about the childlessness issue. I am probably thus not in the best position to answer your question on how to deal with it but I try.

Firstly, I think you have still hope. I know quite a few women in their mid- to late thirties who still got pregnant fairly easily and have healthy babies. It's not too late for you.
I wish I was in my mid-thirties still and had reason to hope... :-(
Also, the fact that you have actually had a (possibly long) relationship tells me that you are capable of having relationships (in contrast to me, as I have always avoided them subconsciously), which is a good basis for a child.
So, in your case, I certainly wouldn't give up hope and trying at this age!!! Especially if it is a dream of yours. I'd try and keep meeting people.

How do I deal with it? Well, because for me it's now only hoping that I can at some point afford to adopt a child, it's tricky. I try to find other 'things' in life that sustain me, as I need to face up to my reality. I try being out with friends - ideally not so much with friends who have lots of kids at the moment. I also try to enjoy other things that I like like exercising and reading. All of this can make me somehow feel better.
I also have a therapist and we talk about this. To me, it's like a loss - the loss of something I've never had.

I do wish you luck on your way and as I say, for you, it's too early to give up on your dream now!!!

Many hugs,

Shadow-world

I agree with the other folks. If you really want kids, then you aren't out of luck. I married at 33 and had two kids--at 35 and 37 or so. I love them dearly.

I'm sure you wonder what you're missing out on. But I'm sure many people would tell you that sometimes life just looks greener on the other side.

In the meantime, you could help with other children--relatives or otherwise. I have relatives who adopted kids and a cousin who had in vitro fertilization. She never plans to marry, since she is evidently gay. And you could help out with a school program or babysit.

I also have several friends who never married and never had kids....

I often feel this way too. But as I have gotten older, I'm 50 now, I have come to terms with the fact that I will never have children of my own. When I was in my late thirties I considered adoption but found that even doing that on my own would be too stressful. Perhaps if I had a higher income income and a larger family to help me it would have been doable. Besides that my frequent episodes of depression and my occasional inability to hold a steady job caused me to forget about having a child on my own. Lastly, it is very expensive to adopt a child unless you foster parent.

If you do consider adoption, please look at all of the challenges that go along with single parenting. It's a very hard job being a parent even with a spouse, and handling it alone is a major stressor in many people's lives. Some women do adopt and manage to be successful moms but for me it was just not possible.

Maybe you can find ways to be around children even if they are not your own. I work as a nanny because I get to take care of children and get paid for it. I also do volunteer work with kids. Remember that your life can still be fulfilling even if you are not a parent.