Mother/Daughter woes

Posting after difficult, unhappy and discouraging conversation with my mother where she feels my behavior is confusing and disappointing, and she feels that I am unreliable. While this is nothing new, it is frustrating that my entire self-esteem and self-worth are so easily smashed from a ten-minute conversation with her. I feel like I am a horrible person and a disappointing daughter. I hate that anyone else in my life thinks I am a good person except my mother. I wonder if it is because she's the only one who is willing to be 100% honest with me, or if I really just can't meet her expectations, or if I'm a completely different person when it comes to her. I know in my head that I'm not the only one with a strained relationship with her mother, and I know that many are far worse than mine, but it hurts nonetheless.

Do other people live up to your mom's expectations? You obviously know you shouldn't base your self worth on her opinion. Many parent's will never show their kids the approval they so desperately desire. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this now. My mother and I have had a very rocky relationship, but things have gotten better.

She seems pretty happy with my younger brother. How did you and your mother's relationship get better?

Funny, isn't it? My oldest sister seemed to NEVER do no wrong, in my parents' eyes, but the rest of us (3 girls) could never measure up. It didn't matter if we aced tests or got A's on report cards -- she always was the BEST at everything.

It's just my opinion, but I think parents sometimes DO have "favorites" in children. Of course they shouldn't -- I have two, and I don't favor one over the other, but I've seen it happen in other families.

Oh well. I'm sorry you're having this troubled relationship with your Mom. I know it's painful for you. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

To some degree it seems to be a mother daughter thing. Growing up I always felt like my parents both thought that my brother walked on water while I could NEVER do anything right or ever meet expectations. I had conflicts with my daughter when she was younger, but she seemed to always be the apple of her father's eye. He eventually cheated on me and left me arguing that I just did not measure up. Yet I am now remarried to a man who has ultra-high expectations of me as well. Again I seem to never get it right, but I am beginning to realize that it is not because I am somehow inferior or damaged, but that I am basing too much of my self esteem on what others close to me might think of me. The other day I started to make a list of the things that I have done right, no matter how small they may seem. It really helps to put things in perspective. Remember that as a your are a unique and valuable human being. That is a given. Your worth as a woman is not based on whether or not you always please your mother, your family, even your friends

Wow, that's a really great idea, I'm going to try that. Thank you LarissaDragon for the encouragement

((((Barbi)))) I can relate. I think many of us can relate.

I don't have a relationship with my mother at all any more. Certainly NOT for lack of trying. But it became crystal clear that she would never change, and no matter what I did, she would never accept me, understand me or stop emotionally / psychologically torturing me.

My brother also walks on water for my mother.

And as for my sister, well, the two of them are practically joined at the hip, and totally manipulating my father.

When I broke it off with my mother, she made it really easy for me because she finally said what she was REALLY thinking. To my face. (in the past, she was a backstabbing, gossipy, judgmental liar. I guess it made her feel better about herself. She never had the guts to really say what she thought to my face because she didn't want everyone to KNOW how horrible she truly is/was. Well, thankfully, she slipped and out it flew: her true thoughts about me). For the first time in 30+ years, my mother actually gave freely of herself.

And she made it so easy to walk away.

I wish her all the best. however, she is not allowed to hurt me ever again.

What helped me with my mom had a lot to do with her changing, but there were things I could do. I set up healthy boundaries and stuck to them. If she was getting to disrespectful or criticizing over the phone I would tell her I have to go. I also accepted that she is very outspoken and that I need to be able to stand my ground at times and just blow off what she says sometimes. I also try to understand that there were a lot of issues she faced in her past and she loves me but just doesn't know how to get that across.