he doesn't want sex?

My husband and i have been together 2 years and a month-ish. Second marriage for both of us, after long, abusive, unhappy marriages, for both. We've been married just over a month, but lived together for the past 20 months as married as we could be, just without the law.

I love him to death. He is the polar opposite of my first husband, which means we are best friends, we enjoy being together, we can talk about pretty much anything, we like the same things, we find the same things amusing (for the most part), we enjoy a very playful relationship.

But we have an issue. And, it's a biggie, for me. He doesn't desire to have sex with me. The ONLY time he ever initiated it was our first time and i think he would have waited longer if i had not been teasing him so much about "waiting" (at our age). In the first 6 months we were together, we had sex maybe 12 times. Then, it was almost A FULL YEAR before we did again. Then, about 4-5 months passed before another sexual encounter. Like I said, we got married just over a month ago... and yes, we've been living together and all, so maybe it shouldn't have been a big deal to me, but we didn't even have sex on our "wedding night."

I know many women who would say "woo hoo!!! I don't see a problem!" I have always had a very healthy sexual appetite. If I had a willing partner, I could and would have sex every day. I'm not a nympho by any stretch. I don't have any fetishes or deviant preferences. I just have a healthy enjoyment of the physical expression of affection in a healthy relationship.

I have brought up my "need" for more, several times. But I don't nag. I express my desire for more intimacy, ask if there's anything I can do that might make him feel the same. I found a book, "The Sex Starved Marriage" which we read and discussed together. None of the scenarios in it really fit us. There aren't any old emotional wounds, no resentments, no power-plays, no game playing, no control issues, no children to get in the way.

When asked, he says he just doesn't have a sex drive. He's 46. Really? I find that very hard to believe. He does have PTSD and he's bipolar, so he's on some psych meds and we have discussed this with his doc who says it "might" be the meds but should be easy to overcome that, IF that's what my hubby wants to do. I just don't think the meds or disorders are the issue.

In the past 6 months or so, I've snooped and found naked women pics on his computer from the internet. And he has a membership to almost every dating/hook up/cheating site out there. And, he has at various times posted personal ads on craigslist, and answered some, as well. I've read texts to and from a few women planning on meeting up and the "oh i miss you" text a few days later from them. He has no clue I know all these things b/c he has everything locked down with passwords. I got thru them all. I'm a lot smarter than he gives me credit for.

Do you see a huge disconnect between the beginning of my post and the last paragraph???

How can he be so close to me in every way but the sex, and seek that elsewhere? Is this really a case of best friends, not partners? I am so confused. And hurt. And I really wish I could not love him anymore. Things would be so much easier.

i don't know what to do.....

Maybe he gets turned on by the thought of hooking up with new women? Or maybe he has some particular "things" he likes to do and is afraid to ask you to try? This is a strange situation for sure

My sex drive is stronger than my husband's too, but I really do not wait for him to take the initiative if I am in the mood and he is not. There is a lot you can do in terms of gentle touch to get his body to come alive. I have taken the attitude that in marriage my body is his and his is mine. Often when he is not in mood and I initiate sex he finds it a real turn on and he is magnificent. I really think that it is ok to take the initiative contrary to the way I was brought up when woman only waited around to service his needs. I also have taken the attitude that I will be available for him even when I am not in the mood and he is. Men have awfully fragile ego's and a simple rebuff can have a huge impact. (I learned that the hard way in m y first marriage) I determined to not let that ever happen again. Sex is fun. It is pleasurable and both partners have an obligation to meet the other's needs. You are not always going to be on the same schedule. I suspect that if he is looking at sleazy stuff on the internet though he is subverting his needs when you could be the one enjoying him

I wish you the best -- Hugs Larissa

(((UCTD)))

I don't understand it either.

I wonder if you were to ask men about this, if they would have helpful and understanding advice for you? I think that men and women have a tendency to look at love/sex differently. A man's perspective might give you some insight.

You certainly have my (and many others) sympathy and emotional support! Gentle hugs to you....

If I waited for him to take the initiative, it would never happen. I know his first wife was a doozy and she really turned him off to a lot of things "normal" people enjoy... I suggested we sort of start over. Learn each other's bodies, spend time just kissing and touching, and go from there.

so far, tho, i haven't gotten much from him in the way of interest. one night i told him i needed some skin to skin time... did the fresh sheets, candles, music, gave him a foot massage and back rub.... he promptly fell asleep.

the next night, he was out very late and i fell asleep without him which is a very regular occurance.

the following night, i said let's try the skin to skin time again without one of us falling asleep? he laughed... at least it didn't upset him. so, we did... and we did end up having sex, but once he's ready it's really hard to slow him down, so there wasn't really any exploration or learning time...

Every time i've asked a man, he says "he's getting it somewhere, you can bet that". really? thanks so much, dude.

"i said let's try the skin to skin time again without one of us falling asleep? he laughed... at least it didn't upset him. so, we did... and we did end up having sex, but once he's ready it's really hard to slow him down, so there wasn't really any exploration or learning time..."

I asked my bf this afternoon about his perspective on the situation. Since your hub is going online frequently, did that mean that your hub isn't attracted to you or "in love" with you anymore? My bf replied, "Maybe, maybe not."

While my bf wasn't being really helpful, his response kind of surprised me. I was expecting some kind of remark about your hub getting his thrills met somewhere else. My bf quickly shook his head "no" as I pressed about this being about attraction.

Since then, I've thought about your situation many times. I think that Larissa probably got it right. Maybe your hub didn't like his ex doing ___ to him. But, your description above sounds like he is attracted to you. Maybe you're trying to romanticize too much and he just wants some hot and heavy sex. Like, "Wham, bam, thank you ma'am!" every now and then?

I haven't ever gone on any sex websites, but My ex-SIL used to be a phone sex girl actually. Weird....Anyway, there's not any slow tenderness or romance in those calls. I'd imagine the internet being the same way ~ just hard and fast. With lots of encouragement thrown into the act. "Oh baby...just like that!" I think that's what your hub is seeking from these sites. If you're comfortable doing things like that in bed, chances are good that he'll spend a lot less time and interest with others.

Something to think about. to you!

i have no problem with that. and i really hadn't thought about it in that way.... thanks! i'll give that a shot!!