Childlessness and grief

I know I have talked about this before so hopefully people will bear with me for mentioning it again. I partly just need to express my pain and partly I wonder whether anyone has any more advice on how I can come to terms with this:

I have for quite a while really longed for a child and by that I mean also to experience the process, ie of being pregnant, of feeling another living being grow in my body etc.
Well, I haven't been able to achieve that for a variety of reasons, partly because I've hardly ever had a relationship because I tend to be avoidant when it comes to people and closeness despite longing for it at a certain level.
Then time went on and I began to move towards the end of my fertile years and also had gynae surgery. The bottom line is that I really have to accept by now that I won't be having any children naturally any longer.

I tried to tell myself this and talk myself into possibly adopting one in the future when I might finally be able to get into a relationship (my own salary isn't high enough), but I still react really badly to triggers like pregnancies around me and all the families and mothers with young children I come across. My emotional reactions to this are quite out of control and I could start crying on the spot and often do even at work.

With my therapist, we're looking into EMDR (also for another issue) and I wonder whether this might somehow make things a bit better for me to handle. I just need to integrate these emotions better, which I still can't do at the moment.

Has anyone got any suggestions how else I can get a grip on the pain (and it's actually a visceral pain that I can feel) and come out a bit better on the other side? When I am really down, I also feel I have nobody to live for whilst others have their partners and child(ren).

I can relate ((((Shadow)))) It's a very painful topic for me.

Part of it for me is about the grieving process. Thinking of (or being reminded of) what could have been still just breaks my heart.

It's especially hard when I am in the office and someone brings in their kids or if parents are talking "kid talk", I am sort of stuck there. So I leave the office and take a walk (it hurts too much still. But I also don't want to rain on their parade, so I take a break)

I think it will take time. And also speaking with T about everything and processing things.

I am still nowhere near even being able to even consider a date, though, so I guess it's a process. Feel free to PM me anytime

I have no children. I live alone. I've been socially avoidant all my life. I have a significant other, a boyfriend. He is 18 years older than me, and his health is poor. I see myself being alone for most of what's left of my life. I am sad about feeling like I don't belong to a family, which I think is how humans are designed by nature to live. So I think I experience sadness that might be somewhat like the grief you express.

In my case, the grief is less specific to not having a child, than to the aloneness in general. I moved far away from my family of origin, and distance does erode closeness. My sisters have their spouses and children, and I doubt if the thought of me even pops into their heads over the course of a typical week.

I think having a child can have a special appeal for someone who is socially avoidant. I can't imagine lacking confidence around a child of my own, as I do around people in general. I feel I am a loving person and would have been a good mother. I can't imagine losing my child's love, in the way that I feel I have lost the affection I once found in relationships with siblings, neices and nephews.

My grief is not for the exact same reasons as yours, but it is real grief and I am very depressed, a lot of the time, over this aloneness. I don't think human beings are meant to be alone; it's in our DNA to be intimately involved with others. The pain does leave me at times. So I ask myself how does that happen, and what can I learn from it. Being involved in something that interests me has helped. So I tell myself to try and find more opportunities to do that. I think that's the best advice I can offer.

You are a nice and warm person. I'll bet there are people who would like to know you and spend time with you. Overcoming the reluctance that comes with avoidance might open up something to increase your satisfaction in life. However, I tell myself the same thing. I don't seem to take my own advice, so I guess the most honest thing I can say is that it is very painful to have the trait of avoidance. (((HUGS)))

i have been doing the same, and it's hard because the triggers are everywhere. I wish I knew the answer

I feel the same way. I think talking about it is good. I have no children either and cant have them now. I think for me, I kinda have this preconceived idea of how it would be, and it probably wouldn't have been that way at all. This just comes from life experience, I miss it so much also. I hope it help to know your not alone.

I am ALMOST in your shoes. Not quite, but almost. I have three biological children who do not live with me and who are all (ages 19, 14, 12) extremely hostile to me, having been turned against me by the people they live with. I cared for them when they were young, I breastfed them for a long time - they do not care.

When a little baby cries, my breasts swell as if getting ready to feed that baby. I want more children on a visceral level - children whom I would raise on my own and who would be kind to me when they grow up. But I cannot - you can see my signature to figure out why. It is not that much the age thing. I have always been super super fertile, all my children were results of instant conceptions (same month), plus one abortion despite the use of a spermicide, my mother had an abortion at forty, my maternal cousin had her first child at 44 (without fertility treatments) - we apparently have late fertility in my maternal line. It is the drugs: the Lithium, the Topamax, etc. A complete no-no. And adoption is not anythig I have ever considered for myself. Like you, I need the physicial experience of growing a living human being inside my body, and adoption just does not do it for me.

The only thing that has helped is having cats. As I type, one kitty is next to me and two sit on my legs and butt (I am on my tummy as I type). Warm, fuzzy, fluffy, breathing, purring, heavy bodies of my kitties provide the touch that we as mammals crave and NEED. I should also say that they are loyal, although "loyal" is an adjective usually attached to dogs. But my cats all come out to greet me when I come home from work, and I like it. And they come share my bed when I sleep at night. I shared my bed when my children were young and I can tell you that bed-sharing with children is more pleasant than bed-sharing with cats, but bed-sharing with cats is still pretty darn good and is definitely, most definitely much much better than sleeping alone.

If you like this idea and decide to go that route, do be aware that cats need a 100% wet food diet for optimal health and longevity.