Pregnancy and Borderline Personality Disorder

So I recently found out that I'm pregnant. I'm almost 12 weeks along. I have a lot of mixed feelings about the pregnancy. I have been dating women for about 6 or 7 years. The father and I have been friends for about that long. On St. Patrick day this year, he and I got very drunk. I had just gotten out of a very bad relationship, and didn't have many friends left. I seem to have an undiagnosed case of nymphomania, so one thing led to another that night, and I wound up pregnant. I was on birth control more for regulation purposes, but obviously, it was ineffective. The first of my mixed feelings are because that was my first time with a guy, and (I know it sounds weird but) I almost feel like I've failed as a lesbian. Also, I sort of feel like no real lesbian is going to want me now, though I know that's nonsense. It's just my age group that I'm worried about. I'm only 21, and I'm at a point where I need to actually meet new people. I have a very hard time talking about the pregnancy with my friends and family. I feel like it will change the view my friends have of me, and with my family, it's like I don't want to get into all the details with them. They all want to know what I want, a boy or a girl? Or what I'm thinking about for names or what I'm most excited about. When the truth is, I feel like I'm not as excited as I should be. I haven't thought about any of those things, and it makes me wonder what kind of mother I'll be... I'm supposed to go on Friday for my second appointment, to hear the heartbeat. But I haven't heard anything from the appointment two weeks ago. Everybody tells me that it means there's nothing wrong, but I can't help but think that for all I know, the baby is dead and there won't be a heartbeat. And of course, the father, my mom and my cousin all want to go with me, so they'll be there when I find out. I guess I just don't know what I'm feeling. And my apathy over the whole thing worries me, too. I had to stop taking my medication for obvious reasons, and I'm really struggling without it. I guess I'm just looking for some advice or at least some validation on the whole situation. Thanks for even just reading this.

Pregnancy, especially an unplanned pregnancy can be SO stressful, so it's understandable what you are going through. Maybe you will get more excited, maybe you won't. If you need to, tell everyone they can't go to your appointment this time, that you need some space.
Good luck!

They rescheduled my appointment today. So now I have to wait even longer. I'm actually thinking about seeing if there are any medications that I can take while I'm pregnant. If there isn't anything wrong, anyway...

It's time to take responsibility if you plan to go on with it you'll be raising a child now its great that you have support from the father and your family. Do you and the father have some form of income? Sorry if its personal but if i may ask do you plan on marriage? what is the situation going to be for the baby? Read newborn and maternal books while you're waiting find out about midwives and baby delivery any questions concerns that come up give your gyno doctor a call

The father does have a job, and I'm going to college for sociological research. And no, I definitely do not plan on marrying him. I can't handle relationships with guys. I'm going to be living with my mother until I get my associates. I'll be in school for upwards of 10 years in total. I'm just very nervous of my mental state. I've been on medication for so long and that's been keeping me sane. I'm afraid of what will happen without it...

Which meds are you on? Some are considered quite safe and your MD's would be okay with them. If you can take ssri's, you could take Celexa, Zoloft, or Prozac. If you need a mood stabilizer, Lamictal is a good one with lots of research indicating that it is safe. I took Lamictal because I tried to go med free and began having lots of suicidal thoughts and became horribly depressed. I knew I would end up in the psych hospital if I didn't do something.

Good luck and keep posting!
EJ

I was on paxil and klonopin. I was on prozac before and it didn't do me much good. At all. I remember taking lamictal, but don't remember how good it was. I'm seriously considering starting meds again. Everybody keeps telling me it's just my hormones, but I really don't want to take the chance.

Have you ever tried Zoloft? It is considered one of the better SSRIs for anxiety and safe for pregnancy and breastfeeding (if you choose to bf). Unfortunately, Paxil is one SSRI that isn't okay to take (category D rather than C).

Btw, I HATE when people say "it's just hormones". Sometimes, sure. But those of us who have lived with our own mental health issues for a lifetime know what is going on with ourselves and what is best for us.

Good luck,
EJ

I haven't tried Zoloft yet. But I'll definitely bring it up. I've really been wanting my klonopin for when things get crazy, but that's one that, because it is slightly addictive, I will try hard to go as long as I can without it.

And yes, I hate when people blame it on hormones. When I was fresh in the system, my mother was convinced that the hormones were the problem. Her answer was birth control and sleeping pills (because I was dealing with insomnia). But I knew it was more, even at 14/15 years old. I know my hormones are out of wack right now, but I can also tell when my mental problems are at the front of the problem.

Yeah, unfortunately, like Paxil, Klonopin is category D, which means research has shown evidence that it is harmful to the baby. Most docs aren't going to give it to you.

I was offered vistaril for anxiety and told it would be okay for pregnancy, although I didn't end up taking it while pregnant. I think you also can take buspar. Of course, neither of these are quite as strong as Klonopin.

I found this website really helpful: Drugs in Pregnancy and Breastfeeding | SafeFetus.com

Please let me know if I can be helpful. I did a lot of researching and talking to docs about meds and pregnancy to prepare for my own pregnancy.

EJ

You have been very helpful. Things have begun to look a little grim lately..

Okay, so it's been a few days since I've been on. Been having okay days, just sort of making it by. I did finally get to my appointment for the pregnancy and got an ultrasound. Everything seems to be normal with the baby's development. I sort of got excited that day, but ever since my depression, not so much anxiety, has been getting worse and worse. I don't want to shower or get up and go anywhere. Yet I'm so lonely... Things just aren't going well emotionally...

I see a pagan signature. Do you have religious objections to terminating a pregnancy? I am asking because your situation is not really conducive to having a baby now, ffor a whole host of reasons.

I am not familiar with how wiccan people view. Abortions, so that is why I am asking. Had you prefaced your op with why you do not question the plan to go on with the pregnancy, ddespite all the factors that are quite negative, it would be easier to see where you are coming from.

Or is it because you are more than twelve weeks into?

Did you get to ask your OB about whether s/he'd be okay with some Zoloft or something? Do you have a t or pdoc?

Hang in there. You can get through this.

EJ

I did have an appointment with my pdoc and she wants my ob to suggest a medication. But I can't see my ob until the 26th, and I won't get anything until I see my pdoc again on July 2nd. So I just have to tough it till then. =/

QUOTE=it's ster-bamster;3100668dee a pagan signature. Do you have religious objections to terminating a pregnancy? I am asking because your situation is not really conducive to having a baby now, ffor a whole host of reasons.

I am not familiar with how wiccan people view. Abortions, so that is why I am asking. Had you prefaced your op with why you do not question the plan to go on with the pregnancy, ddespite all the factors that are quite negative, it would be easier to see where you are coming from.

Or is it because you are more than twelve weeks into?[/QUOTE]



I am more than 12 weeks. ithink it's less the pregnancy that's causing the depression, and just my being off meds.

I am more than 12 weeks. ithink it's less the pregnancy that's causing the depression, and just my being off meds.[/QUOTE]

Got it. Hopefully your mood will improve in the third trimester.

Have you been able to find a way to exercise? In my first pregnancy, when I was in grad school, I did yoga and swimming on campus literally until the last day, and it really helped both with the mood and with losing all the pregnancy-induced weight afterwards - I quickly lost more weight than I gained during pregnancy. With the subsequent two children, I was in really tough financial circumstances, so even paying YMCA to go swim there was out of the question, and I was 1) in a worse mood during pregnancy, 2) not recovering my shape after the pregnancy. All three kids during my 20s, so not much age-related difference - it must be that exercise helped so much.

That sucks.

From experience, let me tell you what your OB will say, "what does your pdoc say?" It seems like both specialists want to defer to the other and not take responsibility. For that reason, you need to advocate for yourself and have an idea of what you'd like.

If you get too desperate, ask them to talk over the phone with each other and call something in. You might have to be "assertive." A month is a long time when you are suffering.

Take care,
EJ

I had a feeling that would happen. But because I have an easier time talking to my ob, I think he'll be a better shot for me. I'm hoping that starting college on the 17th will help distract me. I love learning, so I can' t see it stressing me out much.