My beauty makes me hate myself

Hi there ladies.. please don't think I'm trying to show off.. it really bothers me.. and I need to vent!

I'm 26yo 5'8, 9.5 stones, 32DD-25-36, slender brunette.. done some modelling shoots. I obviously can't describe my personality, people say I'm quite eccentric and memorable. I've been always called hot, gorgeous, beautiful, etc.. always had too much attention from guys, who openly stare at me if I wear something less modest than a burka ha My male friends suddenly declared their endless love to me when I naively believed we are 'just friends'.. In my extended mate circle I'm known as 'our femme fatale', which, I won't lie, is pleasant but does it help me in the long run? Most girls (not all) don't like me, even though I never 'stole' anyone's boyfriend. All my male friends are (not so) secretly dreaming about getting in my pants.. I suppose it's enough for their gf's to hate me.
However, I never had much success with relationships.. 1 year there, 2 there.. always ends the same: I get bored and the guy gets mental.. Apart from my current relationship.. where everything is great, never been better.. apart from the lack of sex. With all my awesomeness my man doesn't want me. And I know for a fact that most of his friends would sell their last pair of pants for a chance with me.. but he doesn't want me. No sex in 7 months, and I'm in a relationship! Great! I can't even describe how damaging it is for my self-esteem..
Everyone I know is in a long-term relationship/getting married/having children.. and I'm still the same - trouble! I don't want to be 'the troubled kid' forever! Every time I break up with a guy, I get lectures from my parents who always say that I will end up alone.

You know how society is now.. how beauty pretty much equals success.. and where the hell is it? I have everything apart from happiness. I hate hearing "You are beautiful, intelligent, own your apartment, pursuing the career you want.. if I had all of that I won't be depressed" or "I wish I was as slim as you are, then I would..." If they got my life, I doubt they would enjoy it that much.

I'm not being vain.. Often I think about slashing my face or putting on 10 stones, so people stop referring to my appearance as something that should make me happy. Or so I stop thinking about why am I the way I am.. or that men stop paying me so much attention, so I don't blame myself for being so unlucky.. or making poor choices..
I purposely try to make myself look unappealing like getting haircuts that don't suit me or wearing baggy clothes.. it doesn't really work.
But then at other times my beauty is the only thing which makes me happy.. I will look at myself in the mirror and think 'you are damn hot girl', and it would make me smile.. but then something like "no matter how hot you are, your man still doesn't want you" crawls into my head.. gah

I know you will say I'm still young and I really hope its the case.. but it just seems like I'm stuck.. everything repeats and nothing works out in my personal life. Every time when it seems that maybe just maybe.. nah, it's not

p.s. it really took a lot to write that.

Hey Ms Beans,
I'm so sorry your going through all that S*it!
From one female to another. I think your great.
Okay on the men: They're dogs. I'll probably offend the men but its the truth.
I've been around the block and its the case. I've also been sexually harassed all through my younger adult days and it bothered me so much that its traumatized me!
Your man that left? HE has the problem not you. So just let him go then move on with your life.
Now here is what I've learned and it took many years. Speak up & be assertive about HOW your supposed to be treated! If you get the other female haters giving you the mad dog or mean mug stare just say to yourself "To Hell with them" and keep on doing what your doing. Ignore those .....B******'s .
You'll need to love yourself Beautiful & all! It's a blessing not a curse. Love, love yourself girlfriend. But refuse to be sexually objectified! Stand tall, shoulders back, head held high.
Try getting into activities that boost your self esteem.
If I were you my friend I'd learn some self defense ....IMMEDIATELY! Krav Maga, Karate, something. Having dealt with men they tend to be LESS THAN a gentlemen!
And don't ever let me hear that you want to damage your face! Oh Hell No!
I like beautiful women. Of course I'm a gay woman. I hate to say it most straight women have problems. If I were to address an auditorium of straight women I would say "ladies quit hating on each other" "Other women aren't the enemy, you are"
Unfortunately that's one of the 7 deadly sins ENVY always rears its ugly head doesn't it?
Make it a point every day you wake up that you are you & your not going to change for anyone! Be confident in who you are. You just have to be.
And perhaps you might try gay men friends they can be the best! I had some back in my going out days. Unfortunately I lost a good majority of them to disease, drug addiction, and most painfully suicide. One of many reasons I'm on here.
I hope what I said helps.
Hope your not pissed with me, but I wouldn't be doing you any service by not being forthright. I'm sure that there are some NICE men.....I guess. But be careful & selective and stand your ground. You need to put men that may have interest in you under the microscope! But be by yourself for awhile... maybe talk to a counselor about whats going on.
Alright that's it for now.
Let me know how your doing Sister!
Oh I'm American, what the heck is Stones? Does that equate to American pounds on the scale? Are you from the U.K.? I once remember catching that phrase on that British show Absolutely Fabulous.

I had your kind of beauty when I was your age (down to the same bra size - now after three children and weight gain caused by psych meds it is a little bigger, both in the band and in the cup , but it is OK and I do not mind), and, agreed, baggy clothes would not work. If you go to a potato farm, take one of those sacks that they use for potatoes, and start wearing it, you will be just as sexy as you would in French lingerie.

So stop wearing baggy clothes at least!

Get gorgeous girlfriends so that girls do not hate you. It is embarrassing and feels quite wrong to be in the presence of a girl who is plain and have guys purposefully pay all of their attention to you and totally overlook the presence of the girl who is plain. I have had it happen only a couple of times in my life and felt really bad - almost as if I had been benefiting from the contrast between the plain girls and me, whereas in reality I did not need any kind of background to shine against. Other than that, all my close girlfriends have been drop dead gorgeous (bff had naturally "dirty blonde" locks, great legs that were athletic but not too athletic (if you know what I mean), an extremely sensual full bust, full lips, and dreamy light color eyes). So in the presence of gorgeous girlfriends, you will not feel "icky". And they would not envy you.

In terms of relationships, just move on, and hopefully you will meet new people and be OK eventually. You are indeed young, are financially successful, educated, etc. etc. which are all great things - relationships will come along with time. And no, beauty has no bearing on relationship success - I have known a few women who were plain (not ugly, but plain and yet still charming) and yet were hugely successful in building lasting relationships with loving men.

To sum up, beauty is beauty, it does not guarantee success, on the one hand, but should not be a source of self-hatred, on the other hand.

hey thanks a lot for what you said!
I'm not scared of gay women, so don't worry=) The ones I met were among the coolest ladies I've met in my life. Sometimes I wish I was gay.. Crap where are those idiots who think it's a choice? maybe they can convince me it is haha jk
I was in love with a girl once.. but I never met anyone quite like her again. She was.. a very special girl.. maybe i'll meet another who can make me feel like that again

I'm not being harassed, don't worry! They quickly learn after being punched They just stare and drool teehee

I wish there were more ladies like you and hamster around here.. i have only 2 female friends, and one of them lives in Russia =( They are both amazing though!

I think a stone is about 14 pounds.. but I might be wrong

thanks hamster!

you are so reasonable and sensible and wise.. I wish I could be like that about myself ha

I'm really losing hopes of having a successful relationship.. maybe I should just concentrate on my academic stuff and leave all the love stuff for the lucky ones ey

I very much admire you for your post.

I like beautiful women even though I am not gay!

well, wisdom comes with age and it is hard to accelerate the process .

And luck should come your way, too.

Sorry your bf is being a total, and don't mind me if I'm out of line, wanker. Wow. At the end of the day, some intimacy would be nice. Too bad, when you try to dump these men, that don't treat you right, your family gives you grief.