alone.

I'm 23, turning 24 in august. I have never had a boyfriend. I know I'm not alone on that one because a lot of girls wait to get in relationships. I have had a lot of abusive things happen so I am plagued with wanting those abusive memories to be replaced with a healthy, loving relationship. I grew up the "independent woman." when other middle school girls were talking about boys, I was thinking about setting career goals! -even that young. I feel like I have no value. I feel unwanted- so many girls get multiple requests to be in a relationship and I can't get one! I grew up not really caring about whether or not I was in a relationship and now, all of a sudden, it's killing me to be alone! I hate it! I feel so sad deep inside, unattractive, and wonder what about me is of less worth. I hate being in a place like this, which is why I have always strived not to be- I rarely ever comment or complain about not being in a relationship- while friend after friend complains about their boyfriend or was in a relationship and has only been single for like 3 or 4 months... well, they'll complain and I'm just like... how about you try 23 years of single? no, I sit quiet... don't say a word...and let them vent out. Yet, I'm here alone and always will be. I hate feeling any sort of slight desperation because I've always prided myself on the fact that I am a woman who can stand my own ground and be my own person but, I can't seem to keep up this strength anymore... I just feel like a worthless piece of crap that no one wants.

maybe, I thought a woman forum would understand this... idk...

I am relating to everything you just said, I'm getting closer to 26 and the prospect of a relationship isn't in the foreseeable future. I am single because of the same reason as you, I have been surrounded by jerks, abusers and terrible relationships. Now, the only guys that like me a weird, drunk, or have major issues. I feel disgusting, I can't picture me being with someone because even I am repulsed by myself, so I can only imagine what I come across as to men.
I pretend to joke about it, and sometimes I lie and say I'm happy alone, but it's not true. I'm so unbelievably lonely it seems to be slowly driving me crazy.

Oh, wow, you sweet girls are breaking my heart! Love has literally nothing to do with what you look like, so keys get that out of the way because you know in your heart how beautiful you are.

YOur mental health is anouther story. Seek help, every day, be persistent until you get help. Don't let anything stand in your way because the world will seem to conspore against your efforts. You will struggle getting insurance, you will thwart ignorant doctors and missunderstanding friends. You will need to turn into a warrior for your life. Its going to be harder than you can imagine, wrong meds, wrong diagnosis, but you know there's something wrong, so fight for yourself! Do it now while your young. Its even harder when you're young to judge your psyche, but there is no doubt your situation is very very serious and you need to keep reminding everyone that your situation is serious and you are asking, pleading, for help. Not on forums, but in a doctorate office. I believe in going to the emergency room and getting yourself admitted. They can observe you and your medication. Just don't get site up in the fear of stigmitizaton. Get a diagnosis, get a doctor, keep trying meds till you are on one that you really like and don't let anyone stand in your way.

I've been seeing doctors for about one and a half decades, and I've been on numerous medications. I know what disorders I have, and I have been getting them treated. A few years ago I could barely be alone in a room with a lot of guys, and that has changed significantly. And feeling unattractive and repulsive doesn't just refer to looks, though I know what I see in a mirror and I am disgusted by it.
I just don't attract men. Except for the odd ones.

Can you describe the oddities of the men whom you do attract?