monthly cycle, triggering, weird ****...

I'm not really sure where to put this, but I need to talk about it with someone, and my male t is not the person I want to talk about it with...

I have a history of sexual assault and sexual abuse prior to that. Lately, getting my period has been very triggering. I'm Not sure I'm comfortable saying how or what, but it makes me want to self-harm to rid myself of the body memoirs of the assaults. I feel like a freak. I know it's not normal, and certainly not healthy. I know if I self harm there it leads to more violation and triggering (and Pretty much a guaranteed hospital stay if I have to seek medical attention for it). But something about that is also comforting. I'm convinced it has to do with the childhood sexual abuse, because it was always done under the guise of *care*. I can't shake it tho. I know it was wrong then. I know it was not done out of any real caring, but a messed-up mind. I just still can't break that association. So even though I hate the feeling that comes with having to get help for the damage done, it also evokes that sense of being safe. How do you break that?
I'm trying to get back to the sa counseling center, but it's still something that's a ways away, and this is something I'm faced with struggling through right now... I hate it, and it's incredibly embarrassing. I don't know how to talk about it to a live person. And even having written it here, I want to delete my account... but at the same time I know I need to address it because it's ****ing up my life...

I don't see any reason for you to be embarrassed. This seems like a normal reaction to the things you have experienced.

I go back and forth about really needing to talk about this, only there's no one to talk to about it. I get into a que at a chat site, then the wait is too long and I lose my nerve. When I click away, I find I really need to talk about it, and it was just the anxiety that made me jump out of line. I've been doing this for the past 3 hours. Now all the chats are coming back busy. I'm trying not to give in to the si urges, but I'm not sure I care to avoid it right now. I would go to bed, only I'm not tired and my sleep meds don't help of late. It would just result in me laying awake without access to distractions... :/

Why not try the support room on pc's chat. Everybody who pops in to help others is always open minded and does not think anything is too weird or freakish. I think you are normal for feeling that way, or at least not abnormal...I think it's justified and you should not be embarrassed for it.if someone doesn't come you can hop into another room and ask if anyone can talk.

I SH as a teen. Though, not the same trigger, I feel I've something to add to this, that I may, actually identify with, not in the sh, aspect, but in the periods triggering some really intense emotions.

I went through many years, during my marriage, I'm now many years divorced, but every time I would get my period, I'd get really depressed and feel like a part of me was dying on the inside. I truly was beginning to worry about all kinds of things, such as pmdd, etc, etc. On this side of everything, after having had a couple years on an AD, having been divorced and really listening to my body. I realized what was triggering that.

My exh, seemed so in tune, as to when I was getting my period. That he was cold, mean, cruel, neglectful, on and on and on. That, it was literally breaking my heart and breaking my faith in my marriage. It seemed like he blamed me, for something beyond my control.

And so, after that was said, and done. And I was no longer married. No longer, on an AD. I realized, that was what was going on with me.

I really don't know, if that can help you out or not. But I wondered what you worried about sharing, and if anything, I somehow, seem to feel that I know what you mean, about not wanting to share the whys and hows of your own trigger. I'm so sorry, that he did that to you, hun,

He had no right, whatsoever!!

Thanks both. My phone refused to access the forums again last night when I was trying to respond, dad and more I don't remember what I was going to say. Thanks anyway tho. I'm hoping that place called back today... I wish there was another one locally, but it's the only one in the county :/ hopefully I did not screw that up.