My dad hit my mum for the first time

I'm a 28 year old only child and my parents have been married for 30 years, both in their 60s.

They have had a satisfactory marriage but have always bickered on a daily basis. My dad has a short temper and verbally abuses my mum on a daily basis (as he did with me when I lived at home), which has over the years crippled her self-esteem that was already damaged due to her experience with severe mental illness in her earlier years (she's still on medication for bipolar today).

Today we all went out for lunch and when he was in the bathroom mum confided in me that he hit her last week, hard, in the forehead and that she felt "funny" for a few days after. When I was growing up dad would sometimes throw plates of food at her, or give her a small slap, but never a hard knock like she described today. She said it was the first time he's hit her and that it really hurt, she suspected she had mild concussion but was too embarrassed to go to hospital. It scared me to hear her say that because she's tough when it comes to pain, so when she says something hurts, it HURTS. She said she was going to call me but didn't want to "overreact" and that he offered to drive her to hospital straight away but she refused. I wanted to confront my dad but she insisted that I not say anything to him because she "didn't want an argument". I told her if it happens again to phone me straight away and I'll come pick her up and bring her to my house. I was alarmed that she left it until a week later to tell me what happened as we speak several times a day on the phone and are quite close.

She promised to tell me if it happens again but I fear that she'll keep it to herself after seeing how saddened I was to hear that she'd been hurt. They both see the same psychiatrist and I suggested that she, he or both of them tell their shrink about this, she shrugged this off and said she doesn't want to make a big deal of it. In her head it was an isolated incident that will not occur again yet it seems neither of them are taking the appropriate steps (eg: counseling, anger management) to ensure he keeps his temper under control.

Should I be worried that this will develop into a pattern of abuse? I've heard the saying "if he hits you once he'll hit you again" but is this always the case? He seems to be growing moodier with age but at the same time can see her point that it's been the only violent incident in 30 years of marriage. He also hit his mother when he was in his 20s which worries me too.

If anyone could give me some advice that would be much appreciated. Thanks!

From my experience violence escalates. If he has hit her once, chances are he may hit her again. After all, there was no consequences to his actions. Of course, she will become even more careful of what she says and does. I think you have every right to be worried. I would offer to go with her to her doctor's appointment and go over it with him. She will probably not want that but I would try to insist. Of course, your dad has to be willing to change and that will be the hard part because he may not see he has a problem.
Good luck
Gayle

She needs to see a neurologist, since head trauma was involved. There might be bad consequences.

It's very hard to help her when she seems to hesitant to do anything about it. She's seeing her psychiatrist tomorrow and I begged her to talk to him about it, but she refused. I am worried it will escalate because there have been no consequences the first time. He is 60 years old and I am perplexed as to why in over thirty years of marriage there has not been a physical incident until now. Do men often become violent as they age? As my mum is very protective of me, it's a fine line between expressing my concern for her and encouraging her to seek help, and having her hide anything that happens in the future for fear of worrying me (she already said she shouldn't have told me because she didn't want me to be upset). It makes me feel so sick inside that this has happened to my mum and I wish there was something more I could do. I'm seriously considering ringing up their psychiatrist and telling him myself, but I think mum would view that as a betrayal and at the moment I want to do things that make her comfortable in confiding in me. When a family member has been abused is it best to let them to decide for themselves what they want to do, or take a more interventionist approach and do things against their will that ultimately may help? As an adult who feels responsible for her wellbeing it is very hard to know how to handle this situation as she wants to go on as though nothing happened but for me it's very hard to do this especially as I fear it will happen again.

I think you should ring the psychiatrist and tell him yourself.

Your dad may have earlier onset of dementia that can make him aggressive. He needs to have psychiatric/neurological specialists look into his behavior.

I'm really sorry to hear about what has been happening. I apologise for saying something that may be painful to hear, but I'm afraid it sounds like your mum has got into the habit of minimising things because this isn't really the first time he's hit her, and it's already a pattern of abuse - slapping is hitting and throwing plates is violent.

However, I think that's not a conversation to have with your mum because it's good that she's told someone - though very difficult given you're her child and now you're being put in the middle of it. I think it's worth emphasising that she's not overreacting by getting checked out, that's really important to do. I would tell her that she did the right thing saying something.

People like this don't change without proper professional help and unfortunately a couples therapist is not the person to provide that.

I think you do need to let your mum decide for herself what to do, but provide her with the tools to make that decision - does that make sense? I would give her the number for a women's charity, as you say mum not mom I wonder if you're in the UK, in which case Women's Aid - the key national charity working to end domestic violence against women and children are extremely helpful. They will listen, can help advise her and will not judge or push her to do anything. I would also recommend the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.

Sounds to me like it was already a pattern of abuse, if he was throwing food at her, slapping her and verbally abusing her. (By the way--slapping is hitting.)And if all that was already happening, the marriage could not have been "satisfactory."

I know that it's hard to hear this, but it sounds as though your father has been abusing your mother for a long time. Throwing things at her and slapping is physical abuse. And those are only the things that you saw (or remember seeing).

I'm sure that it's a tough thing to face, but it's better now than never! Please check out the following link for a full description, as well as what to do when abuse is discovered.
Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

Please get some help for your mom. Gentle hugs sent your way.

I agree with those who said your father has been abusing your mother for a long time, and this is prolly not the first time he hit her hard, just the first time she told u about it. I hate guys that beat on women, specially in front of children. If you are in a position to stand up to him, you should do it. Let him no in no uncertain terms you will NOT tolerate any further abuse from him to your mother. If you are uncomfortable with that and or are not in a position to stand up to him because he may simply be stronger then don't challenge him in a physical way where he feels threatened, but let him know you are aware of this and you are concerned for your mother and will be watching out for her and if you have to will report him. If you feel uncomfortable with any of this then don't say any thing but be there for your mother any way you can with support and guidance! Good luck!