[quote_the_raven]

I need some advice. Or maybe I just need to get it all out.

I have been married for almost 10 years. For the most part, our marriage has been a happy one. I have made more than my share of mistakes (talking to other guys in a sexual manner) and he's found out. He has made similar mistakes, though not quite as bad or as many. We got into a big fight over a guy messaging me (this time I was only talking as a friend, the guy wasn't) about 2 years ago. My husband literally ran away for the night. We talked through it and it took some time, but we moved past it.

Since then, I have been bettering myself. Trying to be a better wife, a better person. I know the mistakes I made and the hurt they caused. I live with the guilt and force myself to look at it often, so I don't repeat those mistakes.

Last week, my husband left his email logged in on our computer. I haven't tried looking through his phone or email for years, trying to build trust. For whatever reason, I looked. I found that he had posted an ad on craigslist under casual encounters. 'Seeking friendship and maybe more. Looking for a hot lady to chat and exchange pics with' He had a response with a pic. There was a response with a location. This ad and messages were a month old. Also looked like he signed up on a few sex sites.

I didn't say anything to him, and waited. He's been off of work here and there, and yesterday when I got home from work, I checked again. He had posted a new ad. This one asking for nude photo exchange. I still didn't say anything.

Of course, I feel like karma is punching me. Of course, I feel like it's my fault. Logically, I know it's not. Or that that's the advice anyways.

Lately, when we have sex, he has performance issues. Even after I found all this stuff, I still was/am trying to be the dutiful wife. 'What can I do to help?, it's ok, maybe we've been too routine, what can we do to make it more exciting...etc, etc' Of course, he says it's not my fault, yes he still lusts after me, he thinks he's lost sensation in that area, maybe we can try new stuff. This discussion happened via text 2 hours prior to him posting the last ad.

I still didn't say anything. We had talked about having sex in the car (we haven't done that in years). This also was planned via text the same day. We went out last night with friends, afterwards found a spot and had sex in the car. He performed just fine.

I don't even know what my question is really. For the past week, my insides have been shaking. Trying to let it go. But I just feel so lost.

Note: I am 30, he is 28. We have an 8 year old.

Personally, f I let this go, I would resent it forever.

My tough-love, no nonsense answer is that you need to let it all out in front of a councilor.

[LiteraryLark]

I think not speaking up isn't going to help this situation. It will only make matters work if you choose to ignore it.

[hannabee]

Without communication you will not find out what he thinks is missing from your marriage, as it does seem that something is missing! He is out looking for something, whether it is sex or an emotional connection. I don't think you can just bury your head in the sand, it will come back to haunt you. This uncertainty in your marriage will also affect your child. Please get some help.

[JLarissaDragon]

Really a touchy situation. Perhaps You could talk with him about sex in general first and discuss his needs/expectations as well as yours. I am afraid that if you confront him out of anger all you will get is resistance and denial. Never the less you do need to talk, maybe after you have had sex. Ultimately getting things out on the table is the best policy

[hvert]

Can you just tell him that you saw his ads and ask him what's up? I can't imagine finding something like that and being able to keep it secret.

Just because you flirted with some guys years ago doesn't mean that he has the right to secretly solicit sex with strangers. They are two separate situations.