[buzz bee]

Hubby is not one to complement anyone. When I look nice , he says nothing. On our wedding day, he said nothing. I work hard in the house, he says nothing. 20 years of nothing.

I worked 5 hours cleaning my couches today, guess what- he says nothing. I even had him look at the couches and said dont they look good? He says Uhuh...

Whats up with him? Does he think I will get a big head? I have been teaching my kids that praise is a good thing to give another person and give it to them as much as possible. (when they earn it) They do the same for me.

When we were newly weds he told me one day that if I expected flowers and gifts I will not get them. I will get them when I least expect it. Like Never.
I dont get birthday gifts, Christmas, Ann. mother's day (he says because Im not his mother- ****) When I had babies....Nothing.

Just hurts sometimes. I know Im suppose to forgive but I feel so frustrated.

[growlycat]

I am so sorry. That sounds terrible. And very selfish of him. Maybe if he had to acknowledge your contributions to the family, he'd have to make some of his own?

[TheWell]

Every holiday...every single one... Take some money and buy yourself something nice and totally frivolous. Not something for the house. Then wrap it and open it in front of him. Thank him profusely for thinking of you on the holiday.

It might not change anything but it will make you feel good!

[A Red Panda]

Have you read about Love Languages? There's 5 of them - Quality Time, Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, and Touch. It sounds like you're very much Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation.... and your husband is definitely not those, nor is he a Gift person. Does he show you that he cares through spending a lot of time with you, talking or just giving you his attention? Or is he physically affectionate?

If he doesn't show you any affection in any way... then perhaps going to couples counselling to help him learn that he is showing you every day that he doesn't care (when I'm sure that he does if he's been like this since you first got married!) and then to help him communicate better with you.

[buzz bee]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Have you read about Love Languages? There's 5 of them - Quality Time, Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, and Touch. It sounds like you're very much Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation.... and your husband is definitely not those, nor is he a Gift person. Does he show you that he cares through spending a lot of time with you, talking or just giving you his attention? Or is he physically affectionate?

If he doesn't show you any affection in any way... then perhaps going to couples counselling to help him learn that he is showing you every day that he doesn't care (when I'm sure that he does if he's been like this since you first got married!) and then to help him communicate better with you.

Touch is one of them he does off and on. I get quality time. Words of Affirmation is lacking.

I will buy myself flowers and sometimes when he gets home, I would say "Oh the flowers are so pretty. Its romantic that you did this." He normally says, "your welcome". If I need anything and most of the time want something he lets me get it. Thats if we can afford it.

When we were dating he was wonderful. He used to rub my feet and couldn't keep his hands off me. Its been 20 years and I still miss it. It does not surprise me that women look for other means to fill that void. Im not one to do that, but I understand. Women still crave that need.

[Pikku Myy]

buzz bee It is amazing how much even a small compliment, note, or simple flower can make you feel appreciated. Or a thank you! Because you will eventually feel like its all for "nothing", even if this is not true. Amazing, how quickly my ex started complaining when I let things slip Be sweet to yourself.

[buzz bee]

I've been working on getting my bipolar under control. I am doing so many positive changes in my body and soul. I asked him on the way home for Louisville if he even notices. He went on the attack and made me feel like **** in return. (***) He noticed that I was crying and said sorry. (whatever). When we got home he said that he did noticed the other night and didnt say anything because we went to bed and fell asleep. Thats suppose to make me feel better how?

The sad part is I often thing that if he doesnt treat me right I will find someone that will.

He is not such an *** all the time. He is a moody moody man. Mother in law says he has always been like that. He is PMSing I guess.

[A Red Panda]

When you said you "get quality time" do you mean from him, or that you just understand the idea of it?

Because if he shows you that he cares by spending a lot of time with you, then try to adjust yourself more to accepting that form of love. Encourage him with the physical acts of affection that you like - like massages or holding your hand or whatever it is that he does that you like. Encourage him to do that more often, and do more of that yourself for him if you don't initiate often!

And explain to him that while those things make you feel cared about... they don't make you feel as cared about as simply being told "hey, the kitchen looks great!" It's clearly an effort for him to do, but he can surely start putting some more effort in to show you that he notices the things you do for him!

Maybe make him read about love languages

[buzz bee]

We hold hands all the time. We go to fun dates when we have the money. We try to go out together alone, even if its to the store.

He's pretty good. For the most part.

Its just I dont feel that he views me as pretty. He has never called me pretty, just nice looking. It all just hits me sometimes and it hits hard. Its like if he says anything positive about me I will get a big head.

I tell him often how wonderful he is and tell him how much I love him.

I have more of a sense of humor and happy go lucky to a point people wonder how we managed to be together.

I guess I just get tired of it every so often.

[A Red Panda]

I hear you! I get worried when I don't have verbal confirmation of things too, even if I have a lot of other things to show me that someone cares.

Like... my boyfriend (we've only been together for 3 months, so it's new, but it's by far the healthiest relationship I've been in) doesn't seem to do verbal affirmation often (he's much better than your husband though... he has in fact told me that I looked really nice, and when I say something to him like telling him I missed him, he's said it back and will tell me things that makes me feel wanted.. but it's usually in response to something I've said!).

That said, he always holds my hand, he'll give me a neck rub, he gets my drinks, pays for dinner, runs errands with me, gives up time out with his friends to spend time with me, etc. Without him saying things.... I know that he cares about me a great deal. So anytime I get silly (because I do! haha, I'm ridiculously insecure) and worry why he doesn't just say anything on his own (or contact me on his own... I'm always the initiator with texting!) I just list off all the things he's done in the last few days that prove my sorry butt wrong.

And hey, if he didn't think you were pretty he wouldn't want to touch you all the time. It's a great signal while out in public that you're a pair and that he's proud and happy to have you as his wife. And that he likes to go out on dates with you - again, it's a public way of going "hey, this is my wife!"

I'm sorry that he ignores the fact that you've expressed that verbal compliments are important to you. Is there any chance that he's just so dense that he doesn't get it at all??

[buzz bee]

I'm sorry that he ignores the fact that you've expressed that verbal compliments are important to you. Is there any chance that he's just so dense that he doesn't get it at all??[/quote]

He is stubborn and selfish a lot.

I grew up where my family goes out of the way to say nice things to each other. My dad was and is wonderful about that, I think because his parents were and so on. When you come from that into the situation like Im in how its hard. Even 20 plus years its still hard and I crave it.

I dont know I guess I should take what I can get and be lucky to have it. Thanks for being so awesome and helping me through this.

[healingme4me]

It was rather devaluing of yourself, to say, guess you should take what you can get.

I've heard marriage changes people, but sounds like he pulled the big bait and switch.

Can't give a woman, his woman, a compliment for fear she'll get a big head?

Is he chauvinistic, by chance?

[healingme4me]

Of course, if you're from that part of the country, compliments may roll forth from the tongue quite awkwardly. Are there other ways, that you can catch him, admiring you?

[AliceinWonderland7]

Originally Posted by buzz bee

Hubby is not one to complement anyone. When I look nice , he says nothing. On our wedding day, he said nothing. I work hard in the house, he says nothing. 20 years of nothing.

I worked 5 hours cleaning my couches today, guess what- he says nothing. I even had him look at the couches and said dont they look good? He says Uhuh...

Whats up with him? Does he think I will get a big head? I have been teaching my kids that praise is a good thing to give another person and give it to them as much as possible. (when they earn it) They do the same for me.

When we were newly weds he told me one day that if I expected flowers and gifts I will not get them. I will get them when I least expect it. Like Never.
I dont get birthday gifts, Christmas, Ann. mother's day (he says because Im not his mother- ****) When I had babies....Nothing.

Just hurts sometimes. I know Im suppose to forgive but I feel so frustrated.

I have no idea why you're married to him. Seriously. He sounds horrible.

[buzz bee]

Originally Posted by AliceinWonderland7

I have no idea why you're married to him. Seriously. He sounds horrible.

He was not like this when we were dating. I guess he has other values that I admire. It just really gets to me and this is an on going thing. I should be numb to it.

[buzz bee]

So I should be ashamed, but the other day he thawed the freezer out and "wiped" it done. I went in there to look at it. I opened it up and it was dirty. I walked into the living room and told everyone not to put the any food in there until I had to chance to clean it. Hubby hit the roof. He said he cleaned it and it was fine. Then went into the kitchen and took a look. I guess he realized he did a ****** job. He was in there cleaning for 30 minute.

When he was done I said no thank you, no good jobs, nothing. It was really hard for me because Im not like that. But I did it and now Im gloating. Bad me.