Having a hard time making female friends, can anyone relate?

47......no female friends and can't seem to even get them to go shopping with me or even do girly things together. I give up. I do try. I hang out at the gym in a group and chat their chat. Someon suggested I come off as an alpha female and that keeps others at a distance. It could be an invisible wall I have up that puts out this vibe. Meet up groups are something my T suggested but anything I was interested in was 40 miles away like the small dog meet up.

I do not have this problem, but I want to comment on your general expectation of getting one-to-one friendships out of meetups.

There is a certain enclosed space created within a meetup. I enjoy conversing with women during the meetup and enjoy seeing them again next month (I go to a monthly meetup). In fact, I very much look forward to my next meetup and seeing the women there will sure brighten up my day (evening, to be exact). But I would not want to have a separate relationship with any of those women outside of the meetup.

It is possible that you are dealing with women who have the same expectations that I have - i.e. that a meetup is a meetup and it is great, but there is a boundary around it and I would not want Meetup bleeding into the rest of my life.

Hi! This is an interesting subject. I both can, and cannot, relate.

I had this problem a lot when I was a child. I was always a so-called "tomboy" (hate that term, it's gendered, while it's really more about different personality traits) who mostly had male friends all through kindergarten and my first years of elementary. They were more fun to be with, really. I got one good female friend from kindergarten, she was very different from me - more reserved and careful, but we are best friends to this day (I am 23 now) and now I would probably also say she handles a lot of social situations much better than me.

Things changed when I started wanting other things from a friendship. I still wasn't really all that interested in guys or make-up, but I was interested in having someone besides my mom to talk to about everything from menstruation and sex to feelings. These things I was not comfortable talking to most of my male friends about (feelings and sex are great subjects to talk with guys about, IMO, but not everything else) etc. I don't really know what changed, I entered puberty and probably started developing differently than I had, I must've changed a bit as a person I think. Either way I got some really good friends - mostly female - at upper elementary, or junior high as it is called in the US, and we grew from children to adolescents together and most of us are still great friends to this day. I joined in their conversations even though I knew nothing or cared nothing about it and I tried my best to understand how they thought and felt. That is key.

We are friends, I love them and trust them, I love meeting them, and I can talk to them about virtually everything. But we are still very different people, with different interests. For example: One girl is very much into horseback riding, she loves horses etc. I could not care less. Personally I have always cared very much for politics, which none of those friends really care about (I have another group of friends who do, because I eventually joined a political organization as a youth - wonderful decision, met many with similiar interests - and that best friend from kindergarten also happens to be interested in that and was a member of a different org., so we sort of have a group of friends in common now). And, I think, for a lot of people, that is the hardest to accept. That they are passionate about something their friends really don't have any interest for. The friend might be polite and ask, or they might go with you to some event to try to understand it because it means so much to you, but that doesn't mean they will feel what you do. We need to accept that friends are different, that it is hard to find a friend with exactly the same interests, etc.

Also, in my opinion, people have different definitions of friends - some people consider friends those they hang out with, for instance those they meet in social gatherings, those they meet in the pub or at dinner parties, even if they don't have a relationship outside of that. Simply the "someone to do stuff with"-definition.

Other consider friends those they can confide in. My experience is that the frustration and confusion you are describing often happens when those two clash, when one calls you a friend and means "someone who is fun to be with" and you call them the same and mean "someone I can trust and confide in". That means two people with very different definitions of friendship, which leads to different expectations. It also leads to some people being uncomfortable with being called someone's friend if they feel they do not really know them that well, for instance.

Lastly: I have always been a very social and outgoing person, but I still feel like I just don't get it and no one has exposed me for it yet. I still somehow end "out of the loop" in a lot of situations or don't understand double meanings in people's communication. I can push people away by bleing blunt and I can feel all alone in a room full of people - who are talking to me. But practice helps, you start to get it after a while. Even if you are a more direct person yourself.

And some of the women you've met, who are very dramatic, impolite or even bullies, seem like horrible people. There is no need to try to get friends with them.

As a footnote, it might be sad, but I honestly think we will always feel a bit alone. We will never really understand others or they us, completely. We will still sometimes feel a book or a stranger online is our most trusted companion, because we open ourselves to them in a different way. I think it is like this most of our lives. The trick is to find someone who understands that you feel that and show that they feel the same way, who are also nice to be with and who you can talk to about issues in your life.

I have been thinking about this more. I seem to have trouble making friends my own age. Most of the people I meet are older, often a good deal older, in their 60s (I am in my 30s). It's a combination of my interests and my schedule, I think. My retired friends are available to meet during the day, when I am. People my age are busy with families and careers.

It's starting to frustrate me, though. I just joined a social/volunteer group without researching it first and the next youngest person is in her 60s. Most of the others are in their 70s. I am just tired of socializing almost exclusively with people who are so much older.

I have had a hard time making women friends as well. I have just decided to put this on the back burner until my life straightens out. I'm a bit lonely but it can wait. I have financial issues (Can't go out/do things that friends do), Can't invite people over (Room mate is a hoarder)and I don't want to explain why, it's embarrassing and haven't found free meetup groups in the area I'm interested in. Lastly I get a lot of "looks" when people learn that I'm not just visiting this country I live here. The go home type looks. So I think in the future when things turn around I will try again but in maybe more urban areas and maybe contact other expats to meet up.

I have in the past had a few female friends but I too got the "let's hang out" the nothing. I think the worst thing is they tell you they will invite you to go to X movie and you wait and wait. Nothing. Then the next day at work you overhear them talking to your co-workers which were all invited sans you to see the movie with her. I've had people tell me to come over to their house for a craft day to hang out then the night before cancel saying their Cronic Fatigue Syndrome is acting up. (3 times this happened) then see people posting pictures on facebook a couple days later of her with 6 or so guests over, out at teahouses or at a party on the day she cancelled. I don't put too much energy towards relationships with women anymore. If they want to hang out, then fine, if not I wouldn't sit at home waiting by the phone anymore. To be clear I've had this happen with guys but only really immature ones. Something better came up so they cancelled.

I like the idea of having older friends though, even 60 year olds wouldn't bother me. I wouldn't want all 60's though.

I can identify with what you've said. I find that its quite difficult to cultivate female relationships. I like "girly" things, but I don't like doing them with other females, if that makes sense! I mean I wear makeup and such, but I'm not the kind of female who likes to talk about it with other females. I like to dress nicely and wear feminine clothes, but again, its not something I am really into in that I don't like to discuss fashion and shopping isn't all that fun for me. The list of typical female activities goes on and on.

I am single, but I wouldn't rule out being friends with a married woman who didn't have kids. Once a woman has kids, the topics of conversation tend to revolve around the kids, and it really does bore me.

Then again, I have additional baggage in that I was abused as a child by 2 different females, so the trust factor is pretty much shot. I am ok with being friends with only guys. Its so much easier for me to be friends with a guy as I don't have to deal with being triggered, and I oftentimes feel that guys are much more likely to have my back whereas the competitive nature of females means they rather stab me in the back!

One day I'll work on it more, but for now I'm ok where I'm at.

I was told by people that they couldn't be friends with me because "I didn't come from a good home," so I get punished by people who can't stand those who come from broken homes? I was told I come across as not approachable it's a people trust issue and still fighting with myself to be more open using more eye contact. I used to be approachable long ago then being abused at home made me into a turtle!

The problem I have is why do I have to be friends with women who have all of these kids? I don't mind if they're married with no kids, but I'd feel like a 3rd wheel - sounding like a guy but I am a woman! It's harder to meet people who have children wouldn't mind if their kids are grown but want friends in my age group too.

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That's great that you're willing to be friends with people who are so much older than you. Have you ever tried meetup? It's free to join. I think that I did talk to you about that once. What about taking some classes at a community college just for fun?

Yea, I have used meetup.com before made a friend and never heard back from her. I haven't been to any meetups in a long time. It seems like being abused is like an arrow pointing directly at me saying don't be friends with a broken person coming from a broken home. When I was a kid, I had this amazing ability to make friends easily and that changed when we moved to the point I was sheltered in the house not allowed to have friends.

It seems I still have some problems today at my age as I seem to speak to people and back off comes from a trust issue.