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#41
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Yeah, a lot of people don't like to hear about anything negative most of the time. Even after getting to know someone, you still have to be careful about complaining to much to often. It sucks that some people think that it's OK to talk about their own problems all the time and think nothing of it. Once you start to talk about your problems though, then they act like you're the one who's a drag, ugh! Maybe you're right about what you said in your last paragraph. Since we never really knew what healthy relationships were supposed to be like, we ended up being confused about knowing what's appropriate and what's not. Sometimes it takes years to learn those things on your own. Sorry for the slow response. I just wish that I had more people to talk to who don't mind listening to me when I'm down instead of trying to avoid me or change the topic back to themselves, ugh! It's like, give me a break, do you really expect me to be all smiley and happy all the time? I also don't get why some people have the constant need to pretend to be happy even when they're not. |
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Grand Magnate
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#42
Yeah, the people who pretend to be happy when they aren't kind of make me uncomfortable-- but at the same time, I envy them. I am thinking of one person I know who does this -- it was a coworker and we did not get along at all. She used to drive me crazy, always pretending to be happy. It was obvious that she was just trying to convince herself.
In hindsight, I think she had the right idea. I find myself wanting to do that, to change the negative thought stream that is constantly in my mind. Self-absorbed people are the worst. I always seem to be stuck with them, too. I think that it is in part because I tend to be negative myself. I've found that I really don't want to complain to people about my problems anymore in person -- it seems to drive away the 'normal' people and just leave me surrounded with other people that are complainers. It's like if you complain to someone once, you are pegged as a negative nancy and they feel free to unburden themselves to you forevermore. I agree with your cat signature line, lol I hope you can find some other people to talk with. It's really hard! |
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Poohbah
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#43
I can relate. I'm 40 and have only rarely had close female friends. Mainly in college, which was a long time ago. Women just seem more interested in their home lives than in friendships outside the home. Their husbands become their main friends.
I'm separated (for the past five years) but in a relationship and have two kids. If I want to go do something with someone other than my boyfriend, it's always one of the kids. There just isn't anyone else. All my therapists have told me that I need close female friends, but for the life of me I don't know where to find them! Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk |
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SeekerOfLife
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Poohbah
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#44
"Women just seem more interested in their home lives than in friendships outside the home. Their husbands become their main friends."
Agreed. I have seen that, although, he his her primary but a woman does need friendships besides her hubby. I need close female friends, close friendships all take time. I am 28 with no kids most people either in my age group and seen younger women with children - why do I have to settle for friends with kids? I didn't grow up with a lot of kids. If you got grown kids, not a problem for me. I want new friends don't care if they are married or not I am just very different, think like a man I just don't want the white picket fence lifestyle. My ex-therapist said that's selfish of me coming from a mom herself and told her how can I make friends who are like me? |
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#45
I'm the same too. The school gates are anxious periods for me because I'm usually on my own looking like a wet rag. I don't know why the other women join in and gossip with each other, to others I'm certain were new people in the area. They never chit chat with me and don't seem interested in talking to me.
The last time I had any female friends was at school. |
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#46
I can relate! But in my case as well as being introverted, I am also on the autistic spectrum; it's called Asperger's. I am also finding that it is harder to be friends with other women because they can be catty, cruel and excluding if they sense there is something different or offbeat about you. I have had friends but these friendships don't last. Either the person becomes engulfing, or I manage to annoy them or violate some hidden protocol in some way. I have just about given up on having women friends. Also being disabled limits my ability to go out and try to make friends. So yes, I can relate.
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Anonymous37868, Anonymous37893
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#47
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I wish that I could fake being happy, but I'm horrible at acting! lol! Yeah, self absorbed people suck! I try not to complain to much. The funny thing is when people complain about their problems, it's fine, but sometimes when I talk about my problems, some people think that I'm being negative. It sucks! The worst is when some people will use you as a sounding board, but then be MIA most of the time when you need them. Cats are better than most people, lol! I hope that you had a nice Thanksgiving! |
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#48
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It does seem like a lot of women either already have all the female friends that they want or need by now, or they would rather just spend most of their time with their b.f, husband, or family. Sorry to hear about your separation. Finding sincere female friends who you can trust to not be two faced, fake, gossipy, reliable, and caring can be tough to find at times. There are to many women out there who will ditch their friends for a guy according to my own personal experience. Have you tried going to a women's meetup group? It's free to join. I've met three female friends there. One is my best friend, the other a good friend, and the other is a former friend who I'll start a thread about soon. She really ruined my Thanksgiving. Ugh! |
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#49
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I'm married w/o any kids either. It seems like most women who have kids seem to only want to befriend other women with kids. I'm open to friendships with women with kids, but they never seem to have the time or interest in becomin friends with me most of the time. Your ex-therapist is an idiot. Not wanting to have kids does not make you a selfish person at all. It's your life, your body, and your choice after all, and no one else's. |
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#50
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School and work was like prison to me. I'm so glad that those days are over with! I've always had a hard time making friends and relating to other women too. I think that a lot of younger women face a great deal of pressure to conform, so they end up copying their peers to fit in. Guys do this too, but it's not quite as bad. Ever notice how some group of girls even dress alike? lol! Have you tried talking to other women who seem like they could use a friend too? What about joining some clubs at school? Sometimes you have to go up to people instead of waiting for someone to come up and talk to you. It's possible that people might think that you don't want to talk to them depending on your body language. Maybe you could try making small talk with someone and complimenting them on their outfit or something like that? It's worth a try. |
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#51
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Wow, you nailed what I have felt for a long time perfectly! I agree, a lot of women can be like that! Especially in groups! It's even harder to make friends when you're introverted and shy with social anxiety and depression! I know what Asperger's is. Sometimes I feel like I have it although I probably don't. I'm just a bit socially awkward. I often feel like most women don't even try to get to know me since I'm different too. I hate it when other women get annoyed at you and not tell you what the problem is. Why not just speak up instead of giving you the silent treatment or flat out stop talking to whoever "offended" them in some way? I'd give up too if I didn't need more friends. It sucks hardly having any friends! |
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janus2014
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Poohbah
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#52
I'm in therapy and told my T that I wasn't seeking more friendship or emotional closeness. She was alarmed and tries encouraging me to seek people out. But honestly one lunch or dinner date a week is plenty, not needing more.
I find women around my middle-age and younger are Stuck up or overly invested in hubby and children. I don't respect them. I can be blunt or sarcastic and that makes some women uncomfortable. I would make friends with men more easily if I were married but that's not happening. Gay men friends have been good. All this is to say it is NOT EASY making friends with women. They often use their so-called friends as a crutch for their insecurity when husband or kids are away. It's frankly insulting and shows lack of self respect. |
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#53
This is a great thread!
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Grand Magnate
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#54
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janus2014
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#55
Hi, I was reading through this thread because I have been struggling with women friendships. It seems like it is very difficult to have close women friends. I really appreciate what you all have had to say. When you ladies say you are shy, does that mean you hardly talk when in a group? Or you do talk, but it is difficult for you?
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#56
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Grand Magnate
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#57
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It seems like this stuff hits in waves for me - I have some friends and then all of a sudden I'm not close to any of them anymore - maybe because they moved or I got a new job or whatever. |
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#58
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#59
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Did you ever let your friends know that you need some personal space and it's not about them personally? Without direct communication, misunderstandings will eventually occur. If you're not sure if your friends understand this, then I'd definitely speak up! Sometimes some people just naturally assume that other people will understand what they want or need which is not always the case. |
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#60
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I find that most females in general don't really value their female friendships. It seems like there is very little in the way of loyalty with other females. To many women tend to ditch their friends once they get a b.f. I don't expect anyone to chose their b.f over me, but to ditch their friends completely and ignore them once they're in a relationship is ridiculous and pathetic! As for your question, I'm a lot shier in groups. I just hate having to compete with people for attention. The people in the group are always louder and more talkative. There is always one or two people who dominate the conversation. I don't like interupting people or trying to talk over them, so I don't. I just become invisible. I have never been good at talking to multiple people at once. It's annoying and exhausting! I'm much better with people one on one! |
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