[bellegirl10]

So I've never been diagnosed with any type of depression. It does run in the family. But I have this horrible self esteem issue that's been going on for years and my boyfriend is the only one that knows about it. Others have no idea. But now he's tired of hearing me complain so I just need someone else I don't know to listen to me and maybe help me (even though I don't think I ever can be)... This is going to be long since I've never opened up to anyone about how I feel.

I'm 23 and been self conscious about my body. Mainly my boobs. I've always told my boyfriend that I don't like them. They're too small. And now that I just had a baby I've been saying now they have stretch marks, one is bigger and saggier than the other.

Well knowing how self conscious I am... The other night I found out he was watching porn. He said at first it was only of me. Well I asked to see his internet history. Guess what pops up right as he opens it? He was trying to hide it. So not only was he making me feel bad but he was also lying to me.

I had the biggest anxiety attack. I was uncontrollably shaking, crying, couldn't breathe. All while my boyfriend is getting pissed off because I was "over reacting"/ saying sorry/ trying to help me even stand/ leaving he was so mad. I could tell he was torn in between all of those.

He kept telling me he loves me and my body especially after having our baby boy that he's even more attracted to me. But this isn't just making me depressed. It's like an obsession. Note I am usually not a crazy woman. But I am always thinking about it. Nonstop. So when I think about it I'm feeling the same way I was feeling the other night (minus the shaking).

Since then (maybe tmi) we got intimate many times. Even more pictures and videos (again maybe tmi) that he says that will be the only ones used. But I don't know if I believe that. Anyways, one night I asked him why he's been so sexual since that night and he told me because he loves me and it made him realize how much he really is attracted to me.

I felt... Self conscious, like I can't give him what he needs or be like who he wants to see online. If he thinks I'm so amazing, why watch porn and let me help? He said he did look at pictures of me that he has... So I felt like ok so if I started it, am I not good enough for you to finish? Yes, I helped start by making him aroused but my body isn't good enough for you to get your pleasure from because you can't finish unless it's someone else?

I have always been self conscious but I have been obsessed with it for almost a week. And it's just made it worse. I can't stop thinking about it. Ever. I'll go to sleep crying. I'll wake up in the middle of the night and cry.

I feel terrible and now reaching out for someone to listen to me. I've talked to him so many times he's getting mad because he doesn't want to hear about it anymore. Like I said above he always says he loves me, he loves my body, that he doesn't want me to get a boob job one day that I've always talked about. But I've told him that the boob job will make me happier but it still won't completely change how I feel about myself or change how I feel about porn. I want to be the only one, it makes me feel terrible.

He tells me he's sorry that he did it. But I don't know if he means it. I'm to the point... Even though he says it, I don't know if he really means it. I don't know if he's just saying it to shut me up. I don't know if I believe him anymore or if I should. I'm in so much doubt.

Over reacting?

[Travelinglady]

Hi, belle10, and welcome to Psych Central! I talked to my husband about this issue, so I'll share some of his thoughts, too. I think you are right that even if you had a boob job, then you would still not be comfortable with your body. Your boyfriend was attracted to you and what you perceive as your small breasts, so evidently breasts aren't a factor in his attraction. Otherwise, he would not have even gone out with you in the first place.

Did you go for a long time during your pregnancy without sex? Of course, you were supposed to wait at least six weeks after delivery to get back to sex, too. That could be a factor. Plus he might be getting used to you being the mother of his child as well as his lover. At least some men do have this issue.

Actually, he might have been into porn before your relationship, though. In this case, it's a strong habit for him. I do think he loves you.

[bellegirl10]

We did through out the pregnancy. And we waited until right at 6 weeks. Another tmi but I did whatever he wanted when he wanted it when I couldn't do anything. I'd tell him even before this that whenever he wants something I WANT to. I even offer all the time.

He did say "what do you think I did before we got together?" I said I didn't care what he did before we got together 7 years ago. It was that long ago so I don't care what he did before. But now my self conscious has gotten so much more within the past 5ish years but even more the past week because of it.

I'd like to talk to him more about it actually so maybe I could feel alittle better but he's tired of hearing about it. And I'm afraid he's just going to get pissed off and leave.

I know he loves me but I just find it hard to believe that he said he wouldn't watch porn again and just look at what we have...

[BDPpartner]

Hi bellegirl10

your partner loves you but it must be very hard and frustrating for him to try fighting the loosing battle against your lack of self confidence. It must also be a huge weight and pressure being the person responsible for a loved ones self esteem. I'm sorry to say this but his interest in porn doesn't reflect on how he feels about you

As others have said a boob job also isn't going to provide the quick fix you long for.

You've just had a baby your body and hormones are in overdrive so the crazy woman behaviour could just be a culminations of all this.

But what may help......

I think you need to seek out some therapy to help you address your feelings of inadequacy, for not only your sake but for your family.

[IrisBloom]

I agree with Travelling, I think he loves you and your body. And I think he is trying to make you feel better in his own way. But...porn can be a big problem in a relationship. It does objectify women, and it (and the fashion industry) can make us women feel very imperfect.

Therapy would help you with your self-esteem, anxiety, and maybe some post partum depression issues. BTW, it's normal to feel different after having a baby. Your whole life
has changed and his too. I hope you feel better about your body soon. (((hugs)))