Horrible at being "a woman"

I know the title of the thread is awful, but bear with me.

I have always hated gender roles, how society expects different things of me than of my brother, how I am seen as cruel if I make selfish decisions men can get away with, how women are portrayed in popular culture (although that is often sort of ridicolous, if you can see the humour in it). I am making a long story very short now.

Anways, I suck at being a woman. Doing typically women-things. I do wear make-up, most days. But a lot of times I do it because I feel it is expected of me, that I am seen as a "slacker" if I do not. I have, with the years, learned to engage in and even partly appreciate conversations I honestly feel are quite shallow, about people's homes, their dogs, shopping, the gym, whatever. I have always been good at small-talk and am genuinely interested in people's lives and their families, but I am not so interested in deals at a random store I've never heard of or whichever new perfume has been released (I am allergic anyways).

But, even so, it feels like I am a stranger, like I am someone trying to mimic others to fit in and be accepted. I like to wear dresses and sometimes jewellry, but I have never - and never will - understood why women use so incredibly much time on their looks, manicure, pedicure, all kind of hair styling, fake tanning etc. - and they don't even do it just to impress men, as I used to think (to be quite honest I was arrogant and saw this as a sign of a weak personality, someone obsessed with pleasing others instead of being themselves), a lot of women actually LIKE it! They think it's fun!

My problem is that I have never been particularly lady-like. I say what I want, when I want. I am afraid of very few things and think it is patethic and lazy when some women don't learn basic skills, like how to change a car tyre etc. I had mostly male friends up until around puberty, when it wasn't so easy anymore as hormones effed everything up, and I also got a need to have someone to talk to who understood what I was going through.

I can watch shows like Girls or Sex in the city, and they are entertaining, but I really don't always relate too much (I guess Veronica ofVeronica Mars and Dr. Brennan of Bones are the two female characters of popular culture I relate to the most, although I am in no way a scientist and is very in touch with my emotions). Often I feel like me and other women my age are on different planets in terms of thoughts and interests. I am somewhat of a "geek" who loves board games, RPG computer games, fantasy books and so forth. I love politics and discussing politics (I have learned to tolerate that not everyone else is interested in politics, even though it still annoys and even offends me a bit, that someone can be so disinterested in the society around them). I love stuff like bungee jumping or parachuting. I don't mind getting dirty. I love camping and being outdoors, couldn't care less about my hair or nails or my looks in those situations. I want to start doing stuff like fishing a lot more than I already have. I prefer beer to wine and I love making innuendos/sexual jokes. I have, at many times throughout my life, felt like I connect more with boys or share more interests with them, but at the same time I don't always really get them either (they annoy me to no end, but that is apparently normal/ how it is supposed to be). I never flirt and I haven't been on a date for as long as I can remember. I don't laugh at a man's jokes to boost his ego if they are bad, I don't know how to smile or what to do with my hair to make a guy fall for me. Frankly I am not even that interested in getting with a guy, I want to find someone I could get drunk with, someone I could discuss books and politics with and travel with and cook with and laugh with and go fishing with and have sex with and watch silly movies with and confide in and all that jazz, in short, a best friend who is also a lover, a life companion. But I am not really all that interested in dating per se.

I was told when I was younger by a lot of adults that I had to act more like this or that, that I shouldn't play war in mid-break but instead do whatever boring and mundane thing these adults felt girls are supposed to do, I have heard I have too much testosterone, that I don't "understand" or care about girl issues (tough love on that for my part, most of the time I just tell people to get a grip if they are fussing over something pointless) etc. I have gotten better, and I guess I have also become more "female" over the years, all my best friends are now girls (although I do also have a lot of great male friends) and feel like I connect to women much more than I used to do. But I still feel like I am bad at being a woman.

Why is this a problem, you say? Well, I have started to realize that to find love, I have to act more like a woman is supposed to do. Even though I don't want a guy who expects me to be stereotypically female, I have realized it's basically impossible to appear interesting or attractive to a guy if you seem like a buddy to them (even though I DO want to be a buddy, to whomever I eventually end up with), no matter how much you feel you have in common, and that guys are attracted to women for a reason, and thus you have to act more like a "traditional woman" for a while and the rest of the stuff can come later. I have to do things that go against my integrity, such as strengthening a man's ego for no reason by laughing at his stupid jokes (I really don't think most men - or women - need bigger egos, so I prefer not boosting it unless they actually need it - or deserve it. Women, don't fake orgasms, you just boosts a man's ego undeserved!). I already like wearing dresses and jewellry and nice shoes etc., but I have never done it to seem attracting to a guy, but because I like myself in those clothes or think they're cool.

Any advice? I don't want to stop being me, but the more I see of life, the more it seems that being yourself really doesn't get you the places people claim it will. It sometimes almost angers me because I feel like I am a reasonably good-looking, cool and fun woman whom guys SHOULD like, and I have lots of male friends who like hanging out with me, but still men rarely get interested in that way, instead falling for bimbos or uninteresting women. A lot of my friends whom I think are great, strong, cool women whom I would date if I were a guy are all single. It might be that we appear too independent, guys are a sucker for feeling that people are dependent of them (again, a male ego thing, not going to play along with that), or it could be that we're not beautiful or sexy enough because we really don't care if guys like what we put on, we do it for ourselves. I don't know, it makes me a bit disappointed in men sometimes but I still have hopes I will find a person resembling what I am looking for - but realizing I probably need to make some changes to get there. Any help is appreaciated.

gosh I have never thought about this before...... but I make a very bad woman too......lol

Oh my word, we'd be best friends. I totally get it. I never enjoyed wearing make up. I never really got the whole "being girly" thing. It took me years to realize that it's OK to wear pink... and that dresses could actually be kind of comfortable!
I found my husband by being me. I'm a musician and so is he. We met at a party and talked recording software and techniques for four hours. I never felt like I had to rope him in or impress him.
So honestly, keep being yourself. There's someone out there that's dying to go fishing with you!

I agree with Second. You will find a man who appreciates all of your qualities. If you know a man you would like to get to know better, you should give him a signal. (Sometimes you have to get a little bold, as they are good at missing signals. lol)

I am not a typical woman. I preferred playing with boys rather than girls, in fact, I loved to beat boys up. I have a lot of interests that women don't typically have. I'd rather be in the wood shop than the kitchen. I do have traditionally womanly interests too tho. I like sewing, cross stitch, crocheting, home decorating. I like feeling pretty, but make up is not always necessary for that.

You should always be you. I'm sure if you look in the right place you will find the perfect man for you.

Yeah, be yourself. I'm far less feminine than you are, and my husband loves the natural and tomboyish approach. You just have fewer people to choose from. As you say, you don't get the attention of most males. So be it.

Why are men like that, though...? I never believed in the "men are simple"-myth, but when I see what kind of girls they fall for, I sometimes wonder... :P And it truly annoys me when the same guys who fall head over heels for a bimbo each time complain about how women only fall for the "bad guys" or the jocks, and not for good guys like them... It's a sort of cosmic irony I assume. I guess I might just have to live in unplanned celibacy for a few years to actually find someone, people get less shallow with age.

We could be sisters except for the ocean between us.

I agree with the others. Be yourself. Changing yourself for another person is a recipe for problems in the future. You'll be unhappy because you are not able to be yourself. The other person won't be attracted to you. They'll be attracted to an image.

I felt much the same way. Except now that i look back on it, there was someone who once liked me very much. Actually more than one. But to move towards that person, i would have to move away from my family - these were not the men they would have chosen for me, altho they were suited to my real self.

So get on facebook and call those guys before they die, like mine did (im old and a slow learner!).

I think people just don't think about the future they might have with a person. A lot just get with whoever appeals to them at the time. They are shallow relationships and pretty selfish when the fascination wears off.

A lot of men are not all that interested in dependent shallow women either. Actually I share a lot in common with you and that is what my husband tells me makes me attractive and the reason he likes to be with me.Women do not have to behave shallow and stupid and put their brains out to lunch. Sometimes we threaten men who feel they have to dominate women. You are not alone

omg.. I swear that u represent me exactly I couldn't believe that ppl like me existed..i don't mean to be all selfish but im really glad to join ur club ..oh btw everyone says that im like that coz I was raised among guys and it took me a lot of effort to learn to act like a girl..somehow Im trying to do some of the things that u mentioned above like boosting a guys ego by laughing at his silly jokes or making every little small thing they do like a huge accomplishment.. I totally know how to make a man feel like he is superman but im trying to set things back in order and everyone thinks im being cold or mean when im just being honest...I want to thank u so much for opening my eyes on what is the right thing here..u came for help but u did a great help for me

Yeah, I've gotten that complaint from men, starting with my dad. He would tell me to be more lady-like. Whatever. I'm a low maintenance gal, easily entertained. Guys don't have to spend a lot of money on me. They don't have to be at my beck and call. They love that until they realize that low maintenance and independent means that I don't dress to the nines a lot and I don't want to spend all my spare time with them. I think I'm living in the wrong part of the country.

I have both tomboyish and girlish qualities, but none of them are put-ons for me. I think many who fit one stereotype quite squarely do so because they find comfort in identifying with a larger group, and that's okay. But I think it's a great credit to unique individuals such as yourself, being able to get on in life without adopting aspects of unnecessarily stereotypical gender identity that don't happen to feel like a good fit!

The most attractive quality in any person is true confidence, and the best way to have it is to be your real self! And any that don't appreciate that sort of thing, I can probably get on just as well without.

I've always been a tomboy. My parents joke that they had to wait until my brother was born to get a girl He likes to cook, clean, shop and couldn't do handy work if you threatened his life. I am just not a girly girl. I like to work with my hands. I have one dress and that's for funerals. I know it's hard to believe but there is some guy out there that is perfect for you.

I've been broken up with many times because dating me was like dating another dude That's their issue not mine. I never realized how manly I come off until I got married and EVERYONE at work was shocked to find out I married a guy. My hubby accepts me for me. He's not a classic macho man so we balance each other pretty well. Not to say that he doesn't have his testosterone moments where he gets a hair up his butt and has to be the manly man but I can handle that. It takes time but I truly believe everyone has a match somewhere.

Hello! We are very similar you and I down to the geekiness. My best advice is to be yourself! The right man will come along. My husband loves the way I am. He loves that I am handy with a hammer, can teach him things about his car, can beat and play with him on computer games, etc. etc. I rarely wear make up and although I don't mind wearing it I don't mainly for two reasons, it's costly and we are having money issues and I associate it with a routine. Right now I don't have a routine to go to a job so I am not wearing it.

Some guys always go for bimbos. But they won't last for long. Men's priorities are a bit different than ours. I was watching a video regarding dating websites. The top concern for women about meeting the men for the first time: They worry that they may be stalkers etc. Men worry that their date might be fat. Not that their date will turn into their girlfriend and go nuts stalking them or bashing out their car window... just worried they might be fat...UGH!

Anyway, I don't have much to say, just stay true to yourself. Love will come!

I wish I was more like you!! By all means, continue to be yourself and you'll come across someone on your path who is hopefully as special and unique as you are.

You sound terrific, I really don't know what the matter is with young fellows nowadays. But you must not expect too much from men, you are clearly an exceptional woman and by definition there are not that many exceptional men, but you will find one, or they will find you or some such thing.

Thanks for all the comments, people. Good to know there are others out there like me that have found someone! Lol. I don't know, I guess I am just feeling a bit down/lonely lately. And I know you are right, I won't be alone forever - although it feels that way sometimes...

I don't do hardly any traditional feminine things, but I'm also not a tomboy. I'm solidly that third gender known as 'geek artist'. Of course the girly-girls who spent hours on their looks got more attention, but I realized a long time ago that I can't change who I am and would never be happy with the type of people who are attracted to those superficial things anyway. I went through lots of times alone, but eventually ended up marrying another 'geek artist' type who likes me the way I am and is as bored by traditional gender roles as I am.

Of course, the problem with marrying someone with so many overlapping interests is you occasionally end up confounded by something. You should've seen this pair of geek-artist fantasy writers trying to figure out how to attach boards to a bed-frame. It was like something out of a sitcom and took hours, lol.