new here- mom refuses to see doctor, could use some advice!

Hi- I am glad I found this site because I could really use some impartial advice about this situation with my mom. I'm 29 and she's in her early 60's. In a nutshell, I recently found out from my dad that she has not gone to a doctor-not for physicals, not for gyno appts, not anything, in over 30 years! She appears to be in good health and takes care of herself, but still! I had suspected this years ago when I still lived at home, and brought it up to her a couple times. Each time she would get so angry, and the last time I said anything she told me to never, ever bring the subject up again. So fast forward to now, when my suspicions were confirmed, but I was still surprised by just how long it's been. The main reasons this upsets me so much is because one, her parents both had a lot of health problems, and two, she's getting to the age where regular check ups and preventive care are pretty important. I subtly tried to talk to her about it last week, and once again she got really mad. And I have tried the route of telling her I care about her and that's why I worry, etc. I have never brought it up in an accusatory way.

So, I don't know what to do. I've asked a couple friends for advice and they tell me to make her go to a doctor! This response really makes me mad because how the heck do I do that? The bottom line is she's of sound mind, and I'm not her caretaker or guardian, so I CAN'T physically force her to go to a doctor. I think I just have to drop it and accept the consequences- I just don't know how. My dad is no help- he's kind of upset about it but he will never bring it up to her. They both kind of live in denial about things in general, and don't like to deal with stuff. I want to let it go, but I also feel really guilty. I feel like when something happens in the future it'll be at least partially my fault, for not trying harder. But if keep pestering her, I mess up our relationship and we have a good relationship. My opinion is I just have to drop it and accept her decision, as much as I hate it. Any thoughts?

Hi Lisette and welcome to PC!

I'd have to agree with you...unfortunatly there's no way to force a grown woman to go to the doctor unless something is wrong. While its hard to watch our loved ones doing something we think is unsafe, there's nothing we can do to control the situation. She'll probably go if something makes her think she should go. It seems to have worked well all these years for her. It's gonna be hard to accept it, but the more she feels forced, the more apt she'll be to refuse.

Maybe you could talk about another person's experience? Like a friend who's parent is sick.....and maybe she'll then want to do it for you? Reverse psychology so-to-speak?

Thats a hard situation. I'm glad you found us. =)

~Rayna

Hi Lisette

You mentioned in your thread that "...her parents both had a lot of health problems...", could going to the doctor and getting regular physicals...etc trigger sad or disturbing memories from her past? This could be a reason why your mother is hesitatant to going to see a doctor.

Take Care

Hey, thanks for the replies already! I agree that her parents' past health problems are playing a major role. She prefers to be in denial, and she does this in other areas of her life as well. I, on the other hand, am on the opposite end of the spectrum! I tend to worry things to death (which isn't good either!), so we don't see eye to eye on this subject at all. I work in healthcare, and when I attempted to bring up this subject last week, I relayed a similar story about a client I worked with. she saw right through it, however, and still got mad.

I just don't know how to get over the guilt. I know it's probably not rational, but I feel like if never bring it up again to her, then I become partially responsible if she gets diagnosed with something that could have been taken care of or prevented, had she seen a doctor sooner. It's like I'm guilty by association, because I knew she wasn't taking care of herself. Call it the "only daughter" complex- I have two younger brothers and I just feel like everything falls on me to deal with and take care of. I even wonder if my brothers would blame me in part for not trying harder to change her mind, should something happen to her. Ugh. I hate being in this position!!!

hi and welcome. have you thought of writing her a letter saying some of the things you have hear on this thread about you being worried and fearful and guilty and giving it to her? maybe tell her this is your last word on the subject but its really important to you that she read the whole thing?
good luck with this. i understand where you re coming from.
biiv