Heartbroken. Why did he do this?

Hello. I'm currently working through a situation that has me feeling very lost, rejected, and sad. I'm not going to get into every detail but I'll give the basics- I met a guy from an online dating site a few months ago. He initiated contact and pursued me. The first time we met we really hit it off. We had so much in common and got a long really well. We saw each other pretty regularly for the first few weeks. We had a lot of fun together. Things progressed and we became intimate. I really felt like he liked me and cared about me and I had strong feelings for him so I thought that it was okay. After that he became distant and although we texted on and off, I didn't see him for 3 weeks. We then planned to hang out but he tried to break plans with me the day of, giving me a lame excuse that was obviously a lie. I sort of called him out on it and we ended up seeing each other that night, he acted very affectionate towards me and again (now regrettably ) we became intimate. After that he didn't call me for a few days and I was in a really bad place emotionally. I ended up crying to a friend who told me that she saw him out with another girl (kind of a long story.) I also noticed that he had posted a picture online and tagged this same girl in it. I finally built up the nerve to confront him. He admitted that he is also seeing that other girl, that he had met a little before me. I told him that I didn't want to be the "back up girl" and he told me that he really liked me but decided that it's best for him if we just remain friends so that no one would get hurt. (too late.) I really trusted this guy at the beginning and let myself fall for him. Now things have ended and I'm having a really hard time.

Why did he do this? What was the point in pursuing me if he was seeing someone else before me? What was the point? Ugh. This really sucks.

Hi lostreverie

I see this is your first post. Welcome to PC! I read your story and I am sorry that this happened to you. There are a lot of red flags that come up. The fact that you met this guy online and the short length of time before you got to know him play into your outcome. Do you usually fall so fast for guys and do you give in most of the time in other situations as well? Just food for thought. You might be setting yourself up for disappointment if you have high expectations too fast. If I sound judgmental, I am not. I am just lending a non professional view of this situation. I really hope you can move on and find someone who will appreciate you. Just go a lot slower and see if that will help.

Thanks sideblinded,
I actually never fall for someone this quickly. This was a unique situation where I really felt like I met my "soulmate." We had so much in common that it was kind of scary, and the attraction was really intense. I have definitely learned my lesson in getting in too deep too quickly, but he really led me into thinking this was something real.

I'm trying to move on, but I just really wonder what his motives were for pursuing me when he was already seeing someone else?

I hate to over-generalize, but sometimes, people can be real jerks. That is why it's important to truly get to know a person before becoming intimately involved. {Not that I've never been in a similar position. Just sharing what I have learned.} While we may chat daily & talk on the phone frequently, it still takes time to build a healthy relationship.

I am sorry that you're hurting. Very best wishes to you!

Thanks Shezbut, it's true. I guess I'm just over thinking the situation and trying to psychoanalyze him to figure out his motives....which is probably useless at this point.

Until you both agree , there is no written rule that says you can't date other people .

Definitely. What I'm upset about is the fact that he lied about it....and led me into thinking the situation was different than it was. I also just don't really get the point of dating more than one person at once.

The reason for dating more then one person is to find out who is " The One " I know you said you felt he was the one but clearly he was not .

Have you dated guys much ?
It takes a few bad ones to know the good ones .

I personally dated a few guys at one time in the past , but I was not intimate with any of them, until I decided to date only guy X and even then I was in no hurry to become intimate. In fact my pretty much true test of whether he was looking possible long term was when he would agree we both were tested for std's" If the guy is unwilling to do so , then he got kicked to the curb.

I think its easy to "fall for someone" but it really takes time to know a person and have trust and respect from both parties.

You will never really understand "why" he did this to you. I would advise that the next guy you date that you take it slow and keep careful watch on your emotions early on... You can go out and feel very connected to someone, But leave it at that a "connection". connection doesn't mean "love" ... It takes time to actually know a person and that can't be done in a handful of dates.

Be kind to yourself ......Welcome to PC

I've only been in one real relationship, which didn't last long. I've been trying to date but it's hard to meet people and I have this anxiety about online dating. Thanks for the advice. Sometimes it really just is a 'connection' and nothing more and it truly does take time to know someone before jumping into a relationship. I think that's where I ultimately failed in my last one. I opened up way too much only to get hurt in the end.

Coming out of my first real relationship and by other responses, I agree that it does take a lot of time to learn and get to know another person. Falling is easy but staying in love is special. Take your time, move slow and enjoy the other person's company.

I have to agree with previous comments Sometimes we come across as too despirate looking for love. Take your time... I know its hard. Hugs

My t told me not to waste my time trying to understand why people do what they do. Could be many reasons and people do bizarre stuff that I will never understand

Maybe he is:
Emotionally unhealthy not able to commit so he sees more than one girl as he can't commit to one

Feels low about himself so in order to feel better he had to be admired by more than one girl

Has low moral values or perhaps was raised that way

It doesn't even matter what matters is what you do and how you live not how he lives.

Hugs

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hi, I'm quite new here, and I hope you don't mind me offering you some advice. I had exactly the same experience as you describe - being totally misled by someone who already had a girlfriend. I am still here, with my heartbreaking SIX YEARS down the line.

You are worth more. Don't do what I did and sit waiting and wondering what happened. AS HARD AS IT IS, you must let this go. Please please don't let what has happened to me, happen to you. HAPPY people in relationships do NOT pursue others. The problem lies with him.

I wish you lots of love.