[Melissakay]

Hello, I am having a hard time right now and would like any advice on my situation. Im going to make this as short as possible while not leaving out anything. My husband and I met in Germany. I was 23 he was 22. I was single and he was separated from his wife and 3 year old daughter. They both have told me they wanted to divorce and only got married because of their child and pressure from family. we started seeing one another and I had an email from a guy I was talking to. I replied stating I didn't want to talk to him any longer because I was seeing someone. Brandon (my husband) read that and flipped, he because very controlling. couldn't talk to anyone, not even saying hi to another co worker. things went down hill fast. he left me right before I went home on vacation (we were in the army) the morning I was leaving he asked me to take him back so I did. But when I got home I said eff that and slept with my ex. When I came back I broke up with him and was mean to him. I even invited him to my room while sleeping with someone else. so 6 months went by and we got back together. he promised to be nice and I apologized for being so mean. we got married and were happy. but my husband would leave me home while pregnant and party with his friends and family almost daily, he wouldn't work except here and there. he was obsessed with getting back in the military. but wouldn't put the effort into doing it. he played video games all the time. finally he got back in the guard with a full time position and would go running with other woman and go out to eat all the time for lunch while the kids and I were stuck at home with roman noodles. he was on the verge of loosing his job so I lost weight and joined active army with the agreement that I would only have to serve a couple of years until he got his degree and rejoined as an officer. well while I was in training I had an emotional affair. not sex talk, never kisses but I just admired a man and wished my husband would have that kind of devotion. my husband found out and asked if I slept with him I said no and was instantly remorseful for what I did. I tried to show that but my husband didn't seem that hard up about it. so we moved on, but with even more insecurities and control. accused of cheating all the time, could have lunch when co workers would all go out ect. then I get medically discharged and he didn't even try to get his degree or become an officer in the military. I got medically discharged after a few surgeries on my feet. I thought things were great even when I look back and realize they weren't. so its been almost 9 years and two kids. My husband has had his dream job for about 8 months as a traveling recruiter for a college. good money and traveled mon-thurs on average sometimes less and sometimes more. I told him I didn't want to share a fb anymore because I thought we had been married long enough and we both finally had good jobs, our trust for one another should now follow and be that next step. I had been under a lot of stress for about 3 months. between family and my husband not doing simple stuff like helping with kids, trash yard work and always being gone. We were fighting all the time. then I go to suppress him at work for lunch and he wasn't there but his phone was. (I'm not the kid to go through his phone) but when I seen a text message saying ( how is work handsome?) I checked it and everything is falling apart. business trip, drunk, one night stand, regretted it but still sexed her for two weeks, she was talking about moving to oklahoma and he said (take it dork) he commented on her photos on fb now that he had his own (shake my head). he is sorry and remorseful and I love him so we are still trying to work it out. It has been about a month since I found out and two months since he did it. I can't decide to stay or go. I burned all his clothes that day. he says he cheated because I was unbearable and it had been three weeks since we had sex, and he thought we were getting divorced and this woman was saying all the things I didn't say to him. He then said that I cheated on him. I told him I never did. he said he believed me and that he always thought I did but he believes me now because there is no better time to admit it if I did then now. the pain I feel daily is awful. I dont see a point in going on with life sometimes. I thought we were happy just going through a hard time. my heart is broken and do I stay because I love him and he loves me and we are trying to work it out. he is desperately remorseful. But I just can shake the fact that he could do this to us. as soon as he get his own fb (because I wouldn't let him control mine) and a good job where he travels..... I hate him and love him and I am lost. our kids won't understand and could I even be with anyone else ever again mentally or physically? Im lost.

[kaliope]

hi melissakay
from what you have posted, it doesnt sound like it has been a very stable relationship from the beginning so i wonder what you are considering staying for? love is only one small component of a marriage. there is communication, fidelity, sex, finances, emotional attachment, compatibility, etc. i always find the best thing to do when making a big decision like this is to make a pro/con list on the benefits and drawbacks of the relationship. you have to put your emotions aside when you do this and just work with the facts. it will help you to see if the relationship is giving you more than it is taking. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[Melissakay]

Thank you. 😀

[sideblinded]

Melissakay

Wow. First thank you for your service. Welcome to PC. That relationship really sounds unhealthy and it is best to pick up the pieces and move on. You are still young so you will be ok.

The site has some great features to include a community calendar with weekly announcements. It also has a resource center. It takes a little while for your first 5 posts to appear as they are being evaluated. Browse the numerous forums and *social groups (*need to join) and post when and where you feel comfortable. If you need any help in navigating this site feel free to contact a community liaison or moderator. I hope that you find all of the answers that you are wishing for.

[Ruftin]

(((Melissakay))) Hello and welcome to Psych Central. Thanks to you and your husband for your service to this country!!!! I'm sorry you are having so much trouble in your marriage. I have to say you have invested a lot of time into it and I think some time needs to be invested as well in deciding whether or not you want to continue forward or leave the relationship. You also have children to consider. Is there any way your husband would go to marriage counseling? If you try that and it fails then you can at least say you tried. Best wishes and I look forward to seeing you around!!!!

[Melissakay]

Thank you everyone. We go to counseling on Wednesday but I have already told him I wanted a divorce. although I am afraid I might regret my choice later in life but the lack of respect and love he has to have for me, no matter how remorseful he is now, sickens me. I have to have more respect for my self.

[Azafadaza]

Melissakay: Just based on what you have written here, you both have a hard time with trust and boundaries, and respecting each other's boundaries. I would definitely suggest marital counseling as well as individual counseling.

I would also suggest that you move forward with your intention to divorce him and move forward. Time can heal a lot, and if, in the future, you have both gained some balance within yourselves and have learned self-care and self-respect that you can then pass on to others, there's always a possibility of future growth and learning together. But like kaliope said above, this relationship sounds like it has been unhealthy for a very long time, and for the time being, you need to take care of yourself and the kids. I truly think that a sanity break would be beneficial to everyone involved, a time apart to settle down, think, write, and try to learn new patterns.

Good luck! It will hurt, but there will be bright times, too, and more and more as time goes by.