[gostryter]

<font color="red"> this post includes some fairly graphic self injury descriptions - please do not read any further if you are upset by self injury!! or if you are under 18 please do not read....</font>

i'm posting here....because it's really a female anatomy type question....i've never had sex....i know that typically the body will adapt on the inside for a man's part....and i don't think a woman's insides can get hurt....

<font color="red"> warning!!! here's the self injury part </font>

i apologize if this is too offensive but i really need to know and i've got no one i can ask!!!!

along with cutting my breasts....i've been hurting myself down there...this is really humiliating!! i was hoping it'd be just a one or two time thing but i've been compelled to hurt down there for several days multiple times a day....

i'm putting something long & hard inside me....i can't help but want it to hurt....i'm getting NO pleasure from this....i push really hard until i really don't feel i can go any further in (about 4 1/2 inches)....but sometimes i'll push a little more...can i break through anything in there???

i push till it hurts....but do you think i would know if i go too far? maybe a small injury vs. accidentally pushing through and creating a huge emergency??

PLEASE, PLEASE forgive the vulgar nature of this post....but for now i can't seem to stop

(i am starting therapy to deal with my SI behavors and other stuff....)

[nothemama8]

please be very careful you could rupture something, if you need to SI do it to other areas, if you tear something down below you may bleed, please ,please call someone before it's too late
Angie

[okiedokie]

Yes, you can seriously and permanently injure yourself if you continue to do what you're doing.

Please go back to the hospital where you were just discharged and tell them that you need to be readmitted.
Take care,
Okie

[gostryter]

thank you for your replies

i can't bring myself to go back to the hospital...all we have locally is a crisis stabalization unit...nothing long term....although i guess i'm a walking talking crisis right now....

i got out of the hospital earlier this week and i'm going back to work tomorrow...i'm so stressed...i know i won't sleep...maybe i wll call a crisis line...

i do see a psychiatrist tomorrow afternoon - set up by the hospital....maybe i'll see what he says...i don't think i can tell him everything....maybe that i'm just not doing well and SI-ing....

gawd - i'm such a mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sorry i'm such a basket case...

please, please don't do that anymore. you can bruise your cervix, cause bleeding or perhaps rupture the lining of your vagina. all of this will call for medical attention. xoxox pat

[okiedokie]

Hi there,
I'm worried about you! Please tell the pdoc what's up. If you don't tell 'em, they can't help you. You told us and we're not freaking out. Your pdoc has heard everything anyway. He/she won't freak out either. They will work with you to come up with a plan to keep you safe.

It doesn't sound as if you're quite ready to return to work. Perhaps ask the pdoc for a note giving you more time, to give to your employer. You can't get fired for being sick! We all get sick...

Please don't apologize for sharing your feelings. That is what we do here!

Do take care and please let us know how you're doing. We care!
Best,
Okie

[gostryter]

okie - thank you for checking back with me!

i almost made it through the night but eventually caved...then was able to sleep a little bit....i think i feel ok down there....i don't think i've hurt anything...

but i can't go on like this, i know. everyone has been so supportive and everyone's concern for my safety has made me realize how much danger i may be in!!

i do have to go to work this morning...God help me!! but i will really really try to have the nerve to tell my pdoc this afternoon how badly i am struggling and what i am doing...

i don't think i'm ready for work either!! not only the stress from working but i'm scared to death to face my boss!!! i don't think there's too much she can do to me monday morning?? we have staff meetings, etc.....

i will try very hard to tell pdoc today & you're right everyone has been very supportive and not made me feel bad for what i'm doing!

i do definitely need a plan to keep me safe....i'm not feeling very safe right now....i know i can't do this on my own....i know now that i can't wait to tell about what i'm doing to myself because its dangerous...i'm just so tired and scared...

assuming i'm not back in the hospital i'll post this afternoon after my pdoc visit....

thank you everyone for being so caring!! you are helping me through this and i couldn't face all this without your loving support!!

[Busysdizzy]

this is something you must stop. You could puncture your vagina and bleed to death! or, if not that, then intoduce infectious organisms then since thie inmfection can go unnoticed for a while.... you get the idea. Stop and re seek help!

[gostryter]

i went to my pdoc today...whatever

...the office had a very short history form to fill out.
(1) What brings you here? work stress and self injury
(2) Treatment history? lots off and on for years - hospitalized three times - last hospitalized last week
(3) Medications? Zoloft & Welbutrin

he ended up asking me the typical checklist of questions...sleeping, eating, etc. and never even asked about my hospitalization, my work stress or my self injury!!

i know he's not a therapist and that he's there to provide medicinal relief - but geez....

also he said my primary care doc could just continue writing my perscriptions so i don't have to see that pdoc again since he's about 45 min away (that's just where the hospital could get an appt, i guess)

i needless to say didn't say anything about my little issue to the pdoc...i hate my vagina and i hate me!

you all have been so loving and compassionate - i feel like i betray you by not stopping! i say i'll try and i DO mean it....i just fail....

i tried making it through last night but gave in and gave in this morning and just gave in again.....it hurts a little now all the time but i think i have a UTI cause it stings...that may've been from the catheter in the hospital or this, i guess....

i'm thinking of going to my primary care doc's office. my only concern is saying why i need to be checked out down there...what will they do if i say i'm si-ing there!!!....baker act me again!

i don't want to go back into the hospital - for what....72-hours and then i'm doing the same things only worse....before i went in last week i was only cutting and burning myself on the arms and stomach. now i'm hurting my privates and cutting my breast!!! call me crazy - but i'm thinking i'm worse now than i was before!!!!

also went to work today - my boss illuded to she and the president having to make a decision about me (i.e. to fire me) she did mention our short-term disability....maybe a little relief from the work stress....



sorry for rambling on.... might be time to give up on me!!!

no one here is going to give up on you. we're going to continue insisting that you get help asap and support you........you're in real danger of permanently injuring yourself. an infection (such as staph) can get ugly really fast and you could end up in a life threatening situation.

i don't know what you are using to SI but it has bacteria on it. trust me, it has germs on it. where those germs stick, could be the deciding factor on whether or not you get an infection. if you've got the least teensy abrasion, voila, an opening for the germs. when it gets into your bloodstream, you're up the creek without a paddle. staph can turn into something that can't be killed off with antibiotics........

please go to a primary care doctor and have a pelvic exam. going back to a hospital may save your life. xoxox pat

[gostryter]

i'm sorry for causing people to worry about me! i'll be ok

[nothemama8]

sweetheart you are very worthy of our support and caring, you need to get your primary care doc to get you in to see a T,
{{{{{{ }}}}}}}} if wanted

[gostryter]

(((((((((((((((notthemama8)))))))))))))))))) i have an appt w/ a T on thrusday!! and i went to my primary and had a pelvic exam done!! and i'm OK!!! (have a wicked UTI, but no harm from the SI down there!!)

Thank you for your support!!!!!

[nothemama8]